Trouble saying no

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Does anyone else have difficulties with telling people no, not wanting to disappoint them or feeling like you "should" do it?

A friend told me he liked me and kept pushing, even though I told him I wasn't interested. I eventually ended up in bed with him because, well, I figured since he wanted it I ought to give it a try. I knew all the time that it wasn't a good idea, and that I didn't really want it, but it didn't help. It's like I'm so eager to please people and make them like me that I just follow along, not taking in the consequences.

It's called people-pleasing and if you don't stop it, it's bad for your own sense of self-worth because you've made yourself entirely dependent on pleasing other people.

Other people will pick up on this and a skilled manipulator will push you further and further along.

You'd be best off doing a lot of Googling on the subject but the main way of stopping this happening is by taking firm and healthy boundaries and sticking to them.

Thank you.

I'm a people pleaser

I've done similar before. Unfortunately the guy then decided he loved me and I ended up hurting him worse than if I'd just said "no" in the first place.

You're not pleasing me at all .

But I am boo, not people *sigh*.

good advice here.

i had the same problems, OP. i would sleep with people because they wanted to, not because i wanted to. i did it to be a friend, and also because i did not think my own wants or desires were as important as other people's. i thought they deserved to have that from me.

a lot of the guys i spent time with were virgins, so i thought maybe i could "help them out". over time i didn't feel so proud anymore though, as they would sometimes get attached to me and so it ended up being messy on both sides.

i still have issues creating appropriate boundaries, and i sometimes don't protect myself (physically/emotionally) as well as i should. i am still learning how to do this. since i am single now (sorta), it is too easy for me to fall into the trap of seeing myself as a sex toy again. i have been doing therapy, which helps a lot.

It`s always so hard for me to say no because I don`t wanna disappoint anyone and have them hate me, when most of the time I wanna say no!

Thank you.



They were lucky bas-- sorry, where was I again?



No, I understand what you mean perfectly. The only problem was that as you say, that these guys would want more and more from you. I can see this in myself too, more than you might think.



Were you or were you not the one who owned up to a kind of 'virgin fetish'? So you might have been getting something out of it after all? I would never sleep with anyone as a first time that I didn't feel very comfortable with.

If in doubt, say 'no'. Which is the main reason why I'm a virgin at 23, probably. Because I say 'no' so much and I'm not a very personable guy in the first place, plus I weigh more than the heaviest man in the world with an ice cream in his hand. Result? No sex for you!



So were you attracted to these guys in the first place or not? Were they normal guys or not? WP material?



Is there anything we can do to help with this? Aside from not perving on you so much, which we know you take with a good heart anyway? None of us mean you any harm and if it becomes not-fun here, stop.



Try the single word that speaks so much truth. It may be more difficult for a woman but it's always kept me in loyal stead: NO!

yeah, i liked that aspect - that i was there for them at an important time in their lives. there is only one "first time". but in the end it did a number on my soul. i don't think it was helpful for them either. some thought they were in love.


i liked them as people - they were often my friends. i enjoyed being around them. they were nice looking. i didn't have a burning need to be with them really... if i didn't have sex with them, i would not have minded.

some guys were WP material i think, and some NT.


you do me such a kindness by asking. thanks for that! no, i can handle perving - i am a first-clas perv, myself.

it's real life situations i mostly need to work on.


no doesn't always mean no if you get yourself into a stupid situation. i am getting better with avoiding the situations to begin with.

Most people will take advantage of others if others let them. Not necessarily because they have the intention to do so, but because they have no reason to believe they are crossing a person's boundaries if the person does not clearly indicate this to them.

It's not fair of you not to clearly define your boundaries to others, and it's not fair to yourself to let people violate those boundaries just because you want to please them. Why should you have more of an obligation to please others than they have to please you and why do you want to please those who don't respect you?

People are actually more likely to like those who can say no, define their boundaries clearly and stand up to them.

Sorry, I was on the drink last night, so you'll have to forgive the slightly leering comments that you've ignored.

In what sense? That you were just a receptacle or that you felt you were serving others? Or was it really just down to the fact that you didn't love these men?



Yes, I can see how this happens and I'd probably be vulnerable to this very same trap.



I see.



Ah, OK. Do you hang about with them still? I note the past tense in what you are saying. Is this recent?



So they were just random guys you knew and liked?



OK, gorgeous.

We look after our friends but we still perv on them at the same time.



Likewise.



Are these situations where the drink is involved?

i guess because i was putting my needs as secondary. in many cases, they were not people i would have chosen to date or sleep with - not because there was anything wrong with them, but just because they were not people i cared for in a romantic way. some of them wanted to offer something more in terms of a relationship, but i didn't want that and it hurt them. so i felt like it was a bad situation from every angle.

i was kind of treating my body like a tool, as though it was separate from my emotional self, and for me it really wasn't. and i was treating the men the same way!

but i usually still do prefer men of less experience as opposed to men of more experience, in most cases. in fact i have never slept with a man who had more experience than me, except for my first partner. oh, and except possibly for the 40-year-old man i "dated" when i was 17. i never asked him.


it can be messy in that way.


i've never really kept a friend for more than 2 years, so it wouldn't be likely. i don't talk to anyone from those days anymore.

some of these guys ended up sort of bitter or angry. i didn't want to settle down but they thought maybe i would settle down for *them*. i was pretty cold to them, i think. we sometimes stayed friends for a while anyways.


hahaha thanks for that! never stop the perving!


no, it's situations where i was alone with a man. ok not THAT bad, but i didn't really understand any reasons why i should refuse, and the one time i tried that, "no" didn't really work (it wasn't so bad as it could have been). that situation woke me up, finally. still working on the implementation of my new understanding though.

I have to agree with Tequila which I normally don't do. Yes there have been times where I didn't want come off rude or say no but never to that extent. I had to take class and learn skills on being assertive...not aggressive there is a difference. This pleasing people to the point of sleeping with them will only worsen the problem. The guy will want a relationship and may take advantage of you depending on if he knows or not. There is a reason why certain women attract this type of behavior. He is testing the boundaries and I'll lay you odds he probably knows you don't like it. If he doesn't then you are also taking advantage of him. Once he finds out you aren't interested and been lying the whole time, think how it will affect him and how much time he was wasting.

Why's that then? It couldn't be because I'm a fat, tub-thumping bigoted oaf can it? Couldn't possibly be that?

(BURP)



And this is it. People will only take what you allow them to. If you don't want to do something with someone like that, you have to say so for your own self-esteem. It isn't about pleasing other people; in that kind of situation the only person you need to please is yourself.



Not necessarily that the guy will want a relationship - he may just carry on asking you to do more and more things that you find unacceptable but feel obliged to please. Anal? Urophilia? Taking photos of you engaging in sex or sexual poses? Other men (gangbangs)? Other, more overtly abusive behaviour? Like I say, that probably wouldn't happen for quite a length of time so he can get you bedded in and used to the idea of not having a voice.

You do have a voice and if you're unhappy with something, set boundaries and stick to them.



Indeed. And as guys we can tell.

This type of person will go as far as you 'let' him. He probably knows you don't like it but will carry on testing you until you tell him to get lost. How much of your own self-worth and dignity do you want to sacrifice before this happens?

I have alot of problems with boundaries like this untill I just decided that I was not going to have sex with anyone...period. I have to say it gives me a peace of mind in some aspect.

It is easier to say no to all than no to some and yes to others. It makes things clearer and less confusing to me as far as what my feelings are.

I know at some level this is not a healthy aproach, but it is healthier for my mind.

After a few years of being celibate,..its like the sexual side of me became numb anyway. I dated a guy who presured me all the time for sex. I really did not want to do it because he was so selfish about it and after I left him, I never had sex again, 11 years ago.