"You are so cold!"

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone!

This is my first post but I've been lurking on this site for ages. I figured this would be the best place to ask this question.

I have lost count of how many times I've been told by former girlfriends' of how cold and heartless I am. They say I take them for granted but they never end the relationship even though they feel this way. I have ADD and mild AS but I don't think I should pin everything that goes wrong in my life on these two conditions.

Now I know I'm not that good at communicating but I try my best, even typing this was a bit hard for me. Every relationship I've had has been tagged as 'different' in comparison to relationships they may have had before me. Sometimes I really want to disclose to whomever I'm dating that I have AS & ADD but it's taboo around here (Africa). Even my parents are in denial about this whole thing.

My life has always been an uphill battle. When I was young I could handle the ill-treatment I received from boys in my neighbourhood but I never thought girls would also behave this way towards me because apparently I'm 'weird'.

I'm only 23 and I don't think I can take anymore of this bashing I get from my community especially when I do nothing but mind my own business.

Can anyone else relate to this ongoing struggle and how do you cope on a day-to-day basis?

Indeed.

They lack reason.

You are better off without them.

Keep looking.

That is all.

Fnord

Welcome. They feel that you are cold, and they don't know why they feel that way. They are expecting some signs that you are not showing. It has helped me that I have told anyone I was beginning a relationship with right away about my AS, and that there is nothing between the lines in my communication.

The main point is, it shouldn't be taboo. It's not something to be ashamed of.

However, that is meaningless in a lot of places because of lack of understanding. If you don't feel like you can advocate for yourself and educate people, then maybe you can at least try with your girlfriend and those closest to you who may be more understanding.

I'm really glad that has helped you but it has not helped me. I've told women about my AS & how I'm direct, straightforward & things & they claimed they liked guys who are that way but they'd tell me they only like me as a friend & then they latter got mad at me because I wasn't acting like I was interested in them romantically or when I would make a comment about trying to find someone or something. They were playing that hard-to-get cr@p with me after I told em about AS & how I don't understand indirectness. NT women are incapable of understanding it

It seems like you're having trouble with people who are too needy for your social style.
Try to find someone who doesn't think they need a relationship and convince that person to include you.
Then you two can neglect each other equally.

That is unless you are looking for a deep bond romantic relationship. In that case, you have a long road of self improvement ahead.

I've only been told that once, and she was the only needy person I ever dated. I'm not insecure enough to be warm 24/7.

Maybe these women are just "too" needy. You may do better with girls who are busy with med or law school and just need to go out once and awhile for a good time. The only problem here is that if you end up getting married to one and they decide to leave their career for a bit, they'll start getting "too" needy and you won't be able to deliver. Kids are very needy too so you might want to pass on having them. You may do better with very "low maintenance" people.

Erm, I'm not so sure that accusing these women of being needy is the kind of help the op needs.

It would seem to me that in general a woman wants to have a relationship with someone whom she feels cares about her. You may have adored these women, however, they were not seeing or feeling evidence of your affection.

It can be a simple, semingly insignificant thing which can make a woman feel adored. I like it when i catch the guy i like looking at me and i can see the affection in his eyes. It could be touching her hand lightly, or holding hands. Give her a hug when you see her. Text her out of the blue and ask her how her day went. Write her a love letter and post it to her, she gets a nice surprise in the mail. Ok now i'm getting into the realms of a bit over the top.

What you really need to do is be there when she needs you. If she wants some help with something, be there, dont forget. Make arrangements to spend time with her, dont let it always be her who has to make the effort to arrange to get together. Listen to her when she wants to tell you something, even if its boring, dignify her by letting her see that what she had to say and her presence is important to you. All you have to do is listen, hold her from time to time, sit with her with your arm around her.

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate the responses, they shed some light on certain things that I also need to work on. Thanks again