My girlfriend just dumped me.

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This is an edited version of another reply. I am too emotionally tired to think.

If anyone wonders about my user name, here's a pretty good illustration. Some other people here wil understand. That is why I consider this board my home.

I thought I had found my soul mate a few months ago. She said she was very different as well. Whenever she was in a group of people they lost interest in her, that she could not connect with anyone. We seemed to share so much in common, She was also highly intelligent and had similar interests. Or as similar as I could ever hpe for.

I searched all the major dating sites for someone like her. I searched the whole country. Literally. All the dating site profiles. Night after night looking for clues. For anyone who might not run away. I dated some other people,but they all dumped me - we didn't have anything in common. Then I met her. She was the only person in the whole country who looked like she was even a tiny bit like me.

She said she was very lonely. She said she adored me. She was not needy. Just intelligent and different.

She then came up for a weekend. She got to know me. We talked and chatted for the next month. She got to know me better and better. Then for the next month the emails became less frequent. A gap of a week. Then three weeks.

In 43 years I had never met anyone like her. So warm. So beautiful. So intelligent.




One hour ago she dumped me.

Said she had tried and tried to have feelings for me, but she would rather be alone than be with someone she could not love.







I need to learn to hate her, or I will go crazy. But I can't do it.


I am not a bad person. That is the problem: I have spent my whole life finding solutions to global poverty, and consequently see the world very differently from anyone else. I see everything differently, and I don't share the assumptions and desires and experiences. Nobody can connect with me. I try desparately to connect with others, but it is such hard work. Any random person from a pub can connect with woman, even the women I am talking about, better than I can.

She cares about global issues. But I was where she is now twenty years ago. I want to take the conversation further and deeper, and challenge and explore. Nobody wants to do that. if you question people's ideas, even in a neutral way, they see you as an enemy.

I am not ugly or very obese. I am tall. I do wash. I try to tell jokes, I buy gifts, I listen, I listen some more, I write books and design games, I have run my own business, and been to two universities. I don't drink, I always compliment, never stalk, I have superb kids (from a loveless marriage) and I never argue. Whatever a woman asks, I will do. Do I come across as desperate? Does a fish come across as needing water? Helping someone be happy is poison to women. Probably to men to. I have never dated men, or wanted to. Maybe I should.

I am just different. So different that very few men have ever grasped what I am trying to do. It impresses them deeply, but they are very, very rare. I am so different that there can never be a connection with any woman. To know me is to want to get away. I can make friendships easily, as long as I am fake. I have worked in customer facing jobs, and customers say they really like me. I am good at being fake.


If love is not reciprocated then it is better to have never loved. The torment is unbearable. I though she loved me She acted like she did. She was more affectionate than anybody I have ever met. And more intelligent. And more beautiful. And more moral. Everything I ever wanted and thought I could never have. And I was right.

When I once asked if there was anything between us she said she "adored" me but she never said she loved me. I asked if we were in a relationship, and she would never say we were. And now I know why.

Loving and losing is like a dying man in a desert having the most delicious cool drink given to him, and just as his lips touch the glass it is snatched away. Does that make the man feel better? If I may borrow medieval imagery, to never have known about love is like being in limbo. To have loved and lost is purgatory. But to think you are loved, and then lose it, that is a torment reserved for hell.

You want to now why I call myself trapped in hell? This is one of the reasons.

Would you rather she spend her entire life with you even though she doesn't love you? That doesn't seem very fair. If you want her to be happy, let her go.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had someone dump me just over a year ago, who I thought loved and cared for me. I agree with you that it's better not to have loved at all if it's not reciprocated (especially if you think someone loved you and found out you were wrong). I've also tried to hate the person (at least for cutting off contact the way he did) because I want to move past this so badly, but it hasn't worked. It sucks, and I hate to hear about it happening to someone else.

I also relate to what you write about being fake. I too am good at being fake, "pretending to be normal", as it were. But it's very unrewarding and when you find someone you think loves and accepts you as you are, then they throw you away, it hurts twice as much.

I don't have any extremely wise words or sage advice. If I did, I'd be using it myself. But know that I hear you and understand where you're coming from.

~Kate

I was destroyed when my exhusband left me. It felt out of the blue and sudden even though we'd been having problems and obviously he was never going to be happy with me because I'm completely different than the kind of person he wants (AND TOLD ME SO). Yet I was shocked when he left! I kept waiting all through the divorce for him to change his mind, call it all off, apologize for causing such problems and want to come back home. I would have apologized but I didn't know what I was apologizing for. I was just me the whole time. I can't change that. I don't know what's wrong with me to change for him. So he never showed up at the door wanting to come back home, he didn't even show up the day in court when the judge finalized our divorce agreement. I shared that moment with my lawyer and his lawyer. Very personal experience. We haven't spoken a word since. I called him last year on our anniversary and left a voicemail message. I didn't hear anything back.

But how long am I really going to let this overshadow every moment of my life? He didn't want me. Okay. He pretended he did and gave it a shot but really he didn't so he left and it's over. It's my part now to move on. I don't hate him. I'm confused by him. I don't know why he's like the way he is. I don't understand how you can want to be with someone who is a certain way and then put so much energy into trying to love someone who is completely different from that. Why put me through that? He's the crazy one, isn't he? Hating your exgirlfriend won't make you feel better and it won't make getting over her any easier. I think it makes it harder because you focus so hard on keeping this person in your life as a negative presence instead of just understanding that you shared time with them for a while and now it's over.

She's an unstable, self-absorbed, suicidal, feckin' nutter! You got all undone because she was the only one in years who payed you the kind of attention you wanted. Get over it!! Try to meet more women and then pre-maturely dump them...believe me...you'll get more respect. Some guy tried to pull that "suicidal" s**t with me when I was a young girl (I'm 50) and I learned that it was just still another way this damned prick was controlling me and hurting me.
Busy yourself by giving of yourself to charitable services, volunteer your time at an old folks home or something. You have a lot of love to give. You just may have to give it through another channel - and that's charitable, loving , Christ-like works. Don't mean to get religious but that's another kind of love. It can be VERY satisfying to help those around you. Forget that girl regardless of the time and mileage you invested! She will be the death of you. Be grateful she's far away from you now. That stupid, bloody, pathetic cow. You should have taken a right piss in her beverage! Now you know why she's so A-L-O-N-E. You don't have to be. 5 minutes with her and I'd have to SLAP her. You must have nerves of steel...or balls of iron!! Good grief man!! !

When people talk in generalization about women, it makes me sick. You will never get women because you think women are all the same, cheap tramp who only wants to be treated poorly by rich idiots. I think it is just that these men who perpetuate these myths about "what women want" really just want to be rich idiots who treat people poorly and the women who'll stay are superficial and lacking self-esteem. Like these guys are all white rappers from the 1990's or something. All posers. Forget it. If you want a real woman, you have to be a real man. There is nothing else to know about that.

I felt the EXACT same way after my Ex cheated on me and we split up - we had been together for nearly 2 years, and even though she knew i had Autism (she has it as well) i felt like that she would understand the way i am, but when we broke up i was heart broken, i never loved anyone as much as i loved her and even now 8months later - i still some times think about her

But of course now, i hope that the person she is with breaks her heart and she ends up alone so she knows how it made me feel. But would i want to still be with her even if she didnt love me? I would have to say no,

Its better to be with someone that loves you rather be with someone that just doesnt, Move on and find someone that will love you as much as you love them

I know what you are going through. Except I realize that he tried to care but couldn't. It was just not in him. He is an aspie too. He was the one who showed me why I have felt so different all these years. Lately I have just been calling myself a nerd.
I had fallen in Love with him and never told him. He thought we were just friends w/benefits. What he didn't know was I am not wired that way. He did tell me that he gets too attached when he has sex so I thought this would facilitate our relatiopnship. It didn't.

So now I have to get over him. I told him we could be friends in 3 months. Now I wait.

Sorry for the ramble, my point is that she might have tried. It sounds like she tried hard. If you can remember before you met her, if someone had asked you "What if you met a woman you could love and she would die within months?" Would you have still wanted to go through it? Chances are you would have rather had that than nothing at all.

I hear the saying "there is a reason for everything" and I have found it to be true. You just don't know the reason yet. I think it was a learning experience, maybe preparation for the true love you are seeking. I would think of it as, you came close, remember the good things and hope the best for her. Forgive yourself for falling for her even though she was not right for you. But now you know more than you did. And you are better prepared for the right one. Consider your time with her a detour on your quest for the right girl.

@trappedinhell: you sound like a real nice guy and a very interesting person. You sound like the kind of person I would love to meet (except maybe for the world domination part) and have a really good conversation with. I am sorry you've had so bad experiences in the romantic field. Finding someone to love (and that loves you back) is very difficult. Just be patient. I am sure the right person will arrive (obviously she was not the one), and you will be very happy. I wish you all the best.