So a girl likes me and damned if I know what to do

Post Reply New Topic

To make it short, I met a girl through online means, and we've hung out twice now. The second time ended with a kiss. I can tell she likes me, and I like her. Now she messaged me a short while ago wanting to meet again this weekend. Great, right? What the hell is wrong with that you ask?

Well, I'm scared and not sure what to do, how to handle things! For one, I've never been in a relationship before, never even dated before, never gotten past the first date even, never before been liked in a more than a friend way by the opposite sex. So it's all new for me and I'm feeling lost and a little panicked. I'm afraid, I think, of going too fast for one thing. We last hung out on Tuesday, and if we met on Saturday, it'd be four days in between.

And moreover, I don't know what I want, because since I've never done this before, I've got no baseline. And she's such a great girl, that I don't want to mislead or lead her on unintentionally, if she's looking for something more than what I'm ready for. And I don't know at what point we have a talk about what we see going forward, or if I tell her about myself and my aspieness. I'm afraid she'll think I'm lying or leading her on, when what it comes down to is I'm just so damn inexperienced at this that in some ways I'm like a high schooler, and need to take it slow, keep it casual. If she's feeling it's more serious, I don't want to invest more into this thing than might be called for now, but will it sound like I'm feeding her a line.

I worry if I'm a committmentphobe. I don't think I am, since I've never done this before, so I'm just not sure I'm ready and maybe I'm overthinking. But how do I handle this? I like hanging out with her, but I want to keep the specialianess, and not wear things out so quickly if we hang out all the time, because I'm probably not ready to far. What do you all think?

This sounds a lot like how I felt at the beginning of my current relationship.

I think you're definitely overthinking things. I wouldn't worry about how many days it's been since meeting. If you want to see her then do. If you don't then don't. If you both like eachother then there aren't set rules about how often you should do things. You've got to work out for yourselves what you're both happy and comfortable with.

If you're worried about leading her on then talk to her about it. Tell her that you don't know what you want yet. That's ok as long as you're honest about it. When my relationship began neither of us were sure if we wanted something serious so we agreed to take it one step at a time and just relax and have fun, because as long as you're both having fun it's all good.

I can't give you specific advice on what to tell her, how much to tell her, or where this will all go. Many times it depends on the woman in question. If you're both mutually fond of one another, I'd say just let it play out naturally, live in the moment, without thought to the future or where it will lead.

I think it is important, though others may disagree, to tell her about your AS sooner rather than later. What this does, in my opinion, is set a context for discussions about the Aspie's muted ability to read subtlety, innuendo, body language. These are important ways of communicating early on in relationships when each of you is timid in communicating deeper feelings. If you miss these cues, you may never reach the ideal intimacy level to tell her you have AS as she has long ago left you.

But again, not sure when that ideal time to tell her that would be...it depends again on her. For me, I'm at a confidence point where I tell someone almost right away. Heck, I even mentioned that I had AS in a recent online dating profile, and I still got two dates from really nice women.

That's been my experience anyway. Take from it what you will! haha.

I agree with karenina and AsteroidNap.
Our greatest problem is that we worry too much about what will be instead of enjoying the moment. Don't think too much, don't worry too much. Everyone in this situation is scared, that's normal. I bet she's scared a bit as well.
I also agree with AsteroidNap about telling her about AS soon. It would explain her a lot and would help to avoid misunderstandings between you both.
You said: she's such a great girl... I think that answered everything : )

I am the least-qualified to give advice on the subject, but congratulations!

Seems like some of the Aspie guys here are on a roll lately...

I guess I'm afraid that sooner or later she's going to learn about the real me...because when we're out in public no one is really themselves, but their public representations. I've tried hard to be as outgoing, smiling, inquisitive, and all that, but eventually she'll have to learn that I'm an introvert, that I care deeply about my work and when I'm not working, either I'm exercising (I'm a competitive runner) or I'm staying in, because I'm just not one who mingles in crowds, who goes out at night, really, unless it's to movies. She's going to discover I'm a person of habit, that I have routines and patterns and my fridge and cabinets aren't full because I don't require much variety...just a few basic things and I'm good to go until the Rapture. I'm afraid she'll wonder why I don't introduce her to my friends, and then she'll learn it's because i don't really have many friends, at least, ones I hang out with that frequently, for the reasons above, and because, again, I value my privacy and my time to myself.

I'm afraid that it will all be too much for her, and that she'll see I'm damaged goods. I in some way regard myself as such, and I have this feeling that, the very fact she likes me means I've mislead her, because anyone who REALLY knows me knows there isn't someone there who is worth being a romantic partner. And because I care about her, I feel inclined to say, "Here's who I am...so if you want to back out now, I don't blame you."

You know, she might like you, because she has resonance with you, because of how you are you. So quit being so hard on yourself! Who knows maybe she has some Aspie traits herself.

Just hang out with her and get to know her and she will get to know you. You met online? In a MMPOG? Or a chatboard? I mean did you already have some mutual interests?

I actually would wait before any kind of disclosure. As in just roll with it, if she bumps up against any of your habits and it upsets her, then it might be time to do a little explaining.

How men live on their own is usually pretty appalling to most women anyhow. I have visited some male abodes and been aghast at the state of their kitchen and bathroom, as in completely filthy and who knows when they last cleaned either of those locations.

And 'where it lays is where it stays' was my former BF's motto. And clean laundry? My brother's criteria, when he lived alone was, if it is wrinkly it must be clean and if it is flat it must be dirty.

Best of luck, relax and go with the flow...get to know her better and let her get to know you. True confessions come later on down the line IMHO.

Well done.

Just try to enjoy it without looking around corners. Perhaps it would help if you just thought of her as a friend to calm your nerves?

Over thinking can lead to disaster. Just let things happen naturally. Don't try and think of her as the one. At the worst she will be a learning experience.

You said you met her online. Perhaps in future put more about your true self on your profile. I think you're too hard on yourself too. The REAL you, probably isn't much different from the real anyone. A lot of NTs have social problems. You know you're never seeing the REAL them out, either.