I'm afraid of another relationship

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There are so many unknown variables to a new relationship. We're talking about a totally new person with different ideas and thoughts and preferences. He'd have different cologne, different clothes, different laundry soap, different habits. I was used to my exhusband. The thought of having to prepare myself for someone new and adjust to their body and life is just too much. It was easy to go from living with someone to living alone besides the crushing devastation of heartbreak because I finally got to have everything the way that I wanted it without my stuff being moved or valued as less than his stuff. It was actually nice to have that control, put my bracelet on the front table and find it again on the front table in the morning before I leave. Before it would be moved to the kitchen counter, knocked onto the floor or buried under the mail. This is big.

I don't know what someone new would do. My exhusband was really nice in the beginning but the more he saw that I was not going to change to become the ideal party woman he wanted me to be, the less he liked me and the more awful he treated me. Sometimes he treated me like furniture, just THERE in the room, not to be looked at or spoken to. I read some of the things said by men in here and I get very discouraged. Is this what I have to choose from? Men who pretend to be nice but really think I'm a cheap whatever wanting to steal their money and run off with biker dudes? This makes me think that my exhusband NEVER respected or liked me but just got tired of pretending when I wouldn't change my whole world to accommodate him and that he actually expected that I would become everything he wanted at the expense of who I am. That he wanted that from the beginning. I mean, is this what goes through the head of the average man? Aren't you supposed to consider a woman as your intellectual and emotional equal? Isn't that the only way you'll get to have a rewarding relationship based on respect?

I don't know if I ever want to have another relationship now. My fears keep getting confirmed. I'd rather stay alone than go through the process of adjusting to someone who won't even love me. Been there Done that!


EDIT: I am sorry if this is not appropriate for this section of the forum or if my words are offensive. I tried to express my fears as delicately and honestly as possible but may have easily failed.

I wouldn't take anything SadAspy says as fact. There are men out there who are nice to women without hidden expectations and intentions. You just have to find them.

I did not want to call out but unless the one person is running several different usernames, there have been several guys who have shared sentiments that have been picking at my brain while I'm trying to figure out if I'm ready to start dating again. I guess I'm not.

Can I just point out that you had the strength and courage to realize how horrible your ex is? Be thankful of that insight. So many men and women never reach those conclusions, or even worse, reach those conclusions but are unable to extricate themselves from abusive relationships.

You did good! I know that may not help now.

I'd also like to caution against falling into the same trap that the men you paraphrase do; namely, painting the opposite gender with one broad stroke. It's not right for them to do it, nor should anyone else. Yeah, there are horrible guys, charlatans, chameleons. But not all men are like that.

Lastly, you certainly should take time for yourself. You don't need anyone's permission, least of all mine. Not saying you're like this, but I've never found it particularly endearing those women who have to go from relationship to relationship, and can't seem to manage a few months alone without a bf. I think there's something to be said for alone time to figure oneself out, figure out the core of who we are. That helps us in the future find someone we're more compatible with.

There are an awful lot of young men posting here who have extremely misogynistic attitudes due to their personal difficulties in socializing, and tend to simultaneously blame both women and AS for their failure to spontaneously achieve the dream relationship they pine for, without ever making a realistic effort to meet and connect with real, living human beings. Its youthful impatience, frustration and poor self image. Don't take it too seriously.

Frankly, I don't recommend you even spend time in the WP 'Love and Dating' forums, because the vast majority of the talk is negative, petty and depressing. Talking to people who wallow in their negative self esteem issues will only reinforce your own insecurities and drag you down.

Give yourself time. The experts say it takes an average of two years after a divorce for a person to regain their psychological equilibrium and begin to be ready for another serious relationship. My experience bears that out, I'd say that's the minimum average. It does sound like you and your ex were not suited by personality type to be long term partners, so now you know what you DON'T want in a relationship and that's always helpful knowledge.

You're right, starting a new relationship can seem a bit overwhelming, though usually that's offset by the excitement of meeting someone that you genuinely connect with. Like so many things with Aspies, it helps to adjust to new situations when its something you really WANT. Personally, I've found that while having someone in my life to share things with and to have a partner through difficult situations is very important, ultimately, I'm happier without the complication of LIVING in the same house. It took many years and a lot of mistakes to come to that conclusion; like anyone else I thought I wanted the type of relationship that's considered the normal ideal. After trying that several times over, I realized that because my brain isn't quite like the norm, I needed to modify my expectations to find a method I COULD cope with.

And of course, that also requires finding a partner who understands those special needs and is willing to adjust to them. As if just finding someone we get along with consistently wasn't challenging enough. But, as with any relationship, the right person will want to understand what you need and vice versa. It'll work out. Life runs in cycles.

+1000 extremely well said

OP: please don't take any of the single male posters here too seriously, especially Grisha - he's been an emo b*tch lately...

I concur completely.

OP: The good news is that there really are men out there who want a loving relationship based on equality and respect, but you do need to search to find them. It sounds like you are reasonably happy now by yourself. That's great. When you are ready, start again. Hopefully, this time you will know what to avoid.