Let's do this once and for all

Post Reply New Topic

Okay the truth is that I don't have a single friend that's a girl in my life. High school didn't help me as I was an "outcast" and I became confined to a shell. Now it's been 2 years since and I've had a few failures at college. I never got to know a couple of girls really well and even though I made conversation to them about school, it never became more personal.

Then there was the girl in my Stats class that sat next to me and I joked with often, she seemed to like me so I asked if she wanted to go to an outside burger joint that's the town's popular place during spring/summer.

That turned out horribly with a bunch of her friends showing up when I expected just us 2 where I could finally get to know someone and maybe have a relationship. When I saw her kissing another guy that was there, that completely messed that up and then she moved as well and I haven't talked to her since (ignored me so I forgot it after a couple weeks.)

So my point is I'm starting college next week at a different school. I want to be more outgoing...I'm painfully shy and I really don't have much confidence in making friends. I'm also not good at conversation and just wish it was a tad bit easier to break the ice.

Now I'm hoping there are some girls in the small classes I will be in but besides that how would I approach/meet someone that isn't in my class...much like how I haven't met anyone over the summer cause there isn't a place that I can really meet new people. Approaching is just so awkward and difficult, and it seems creepy.

I don't know but all I do know is that I want to make some friends that are girls and maybe even have a relationship with someone. I'm tired of not having success and thinking how I'm almost 20 and have never kissed a girl or like I said befriended one to the point where we hangout, text, etc... I also want to put to rest the homosexual feelings my parents and family have flat out questioned me on (not that there's an issue if I was).

The one regret I have with Undergrad and Grad school is that I never got involved with University life...namely through clubs...as much as I should have. Universities have dozens of clubs dealing with all interests. Join one or four. Pick one in line with your current hobbies, and then challenge yourself to join one that you might have had a passing interest in but were always afraid to try. The one club I did join at Uni, and then promptly quit, was skydiving. Way outside my comfort zone, haha. But I did jump twice! That's when I got bored and quit.

Also, if you're really good at a particular subject you're studying, offer services as a tutor. Put flyers up. Don't put too much pressure on these tutoring relationships...just use them to practice your conversation skills.

If the Uni doesn't have a club you're interested in...trying forming one. A graduate friend of mine did this after he realized there weren't any good networking (as in industry people meeting) opportunities. He made a club specifically for meeting industry types in his (our) chosen field of study.

Join a toastmasters forum...I never did this, but another friend swears by it. They teach you how to effectively speak in public.

Do you like music...join the college radio station.

Inter-mural sports is another good one, specially if it's co-ed. There's all sorts of casual ones to pick from. And exercise is good!

Oh, and one of the best things you can do...at some point before you leave University, join a study abroad program! Take a semester (or a year depending) and study/travel with 20 of your classmates to another country. It's worth every penny of your tuition, trust me. I traveled to Kiev and stayed there for 6 months. It was actually one of the key experiences that broke the cycle of despair and hopelessness I had been suffering through in my 20s.

Most colleges have many groups and clubs you can become a member of, that will give you an opportunity to meet people.

Concerning girls, you did the right thing by asking that girl out. It didn't turn out how you wanted but that's ok. You had the courage to ask her out and that's what is important. This should highlight something about girls though. Just because they are nice to you does not mean they are romantically interested in you. I'm not sure the issue is with girls not being able to find middle ground or guys being able to perceive it, but a girl will be equally nice to an acquaintance, friend, best friend, boyfriend, and sometimes even a stranger, because the only other option is to be a b!tch. Or maybe they do have different degrees of nice-ness that guys and people with AS just can't perceive.

Either way, being nice does not mean she like you romantically. Nor does her smiling at you. I've heard girls/women generally try to keep their appearance up around a guy she likes, for example, she might brush her hair or retouch her makeup before she sees him or if she thinks he's going to be around, but I'm not sure how true this is.

That being said, I think the only way to know if a girl likes you for sure is for you to ask her out or reveal to her in some socially appropriate way that you like her.

I tried joining clubs in college. One of them turned out to be very elitist, composed entirely of people who lived on campus. I was a commuter. I lost all sincerity pretty quickly, and only stayed a member so I could, essentially, fleece them for free event tickets, in exchange for doing the required minimum. The other organization was a little bit better. Dating was still out of the question, since I was the only commuter in there, but at least the people were a lot friendlier.

I did try asking a girl out, my freshman year of college. Much to my surprise and excitement, she said yes! We went out to an tourist area in my city. Hug at the end. Then when I tried to ask her out again, she was always "busy". I took it literally, of course. But two months later, there was a dance at my college, and when I asked her to go, she said yes. So we went. But when a slow song came on, she stepped backwards when I tried to take her into an embrace. It then dawned on me: she didn't like me!

After that, I abandoned the "ask her out test", which was even given to me by a therapist I saw in my early teens. I replaced it with a "French kiss test", which is self-explanatory. Ironically, later in my college life, when I went to parties at other schools, I had girls make out with me just minutes after they started dancing with me.

So that girl from my class didn't want to dance close after knowing me for two months, while total strangers made out with me after knowing me for two minutes. Oh, the contradictions!

Yeah, I remember that time of my life well. Mine was a little younger, but we all go through that phase of 'Oh my gosh all this downstairs stuff works and THEY look really happy about it, I gotta get in on it!' where we feel like we need to start having relationships.

And we do. We're humans. But there are writings the world over about how to go looking. What I've found to be most successful is just have a full life. What do you like to do? Join a club because you want to, and if there are interesting people there get to know them, and maybe they have other friends or a hot sister and...

Just don't shut any doors. Pry them open if you must. Live a full, active, happy life and people will gravitate towards you.

And don't only make friends with people that interest you in that way. That's the hard part of social networking. Just be all around open and available to other people, and they'll eventually begin to include you in different circles.

And one day, a cute girl (Or boy, if you get all that sorted out) will pop into the equation without you even realizing.

Don't feel bad yet. I'm in the exact same situation and I'm 32. No one in my family has mentioned anything to me about thinking I'm gay or anything, which, I must say I find surprising considering I have 2 homosexual cousins.