wow.....can't believe that hell

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.....wow at times like I really f*****g hate myself and just want to die.

So I went to the school gym just now, and there were alot of attractive fit girls. All of the sudden my confidence just plummets 95% percent and I start to feel like s**t. I can't approach them, I can't say anything. I look like s**t, under-eye bags are poofy and I look a weirdo.

f**k this feeling just washes over me like Im some weirdo creep I can barely make eye contact with anyone, and then all of the sudden every girl is looking at me like im some f*****g creep, and then I try not to look at them so they don't think im staring at them. And then it gets too me...........

f**k I just don't know what is happening to me, and now I feel really paranoid all the time like somebody is always watching me.

I just can't believe how repressed I am.........so f*****g unreal

Most of these girls are even barely 18-19.......im 24 wtf is wrong with me I feel like a 12 year old little boy.......

How do I get past this? Someone please tell me? This is the worst f*****g feeling. I would rather be in intense physical pain getting beat up then have to feel this. Please someone who knows tell me?

I am goin to the gym 3+ times a week plus I started martial arts MMA training, and I am tryin to start a band, but f**k im just afraid thats not enough.

This feeling has been with me my whole life since I was 11, and it really f*****g sinks me. It really feels like Im never going to get past it, and I f*****g hate myself for lying to myself and ignoring this problem in the past thinking I would get over it and things would "naturally" happen, like my dad seemed to think..........well f**k no it didnt happen. Nothing ever f*****g ever f*****g came "naturally" to me my whole life.

f**k how did I become this messed up?

Afraid it's not enough for what? To work through your anxieties? To cope with AS?

To get through that feeling I am describing.......that feeling makes me want to kill myself

That's the feeling I was afraid you were getting at. My friend, you need to seek help from a professional. I'm serious. Seek out a psychotherapist. I've done this myself, and it changed my life.

I'v seen and paid alot of money for therapists before. It hasn't really made that much of a difference. Those people can't help me. They just don't understand what I am feeling, and I am at a loss of words on how to explain it.

I'm not really going to kill myself, but f**k I feel so small, so repressed, so frustrated and hopeless.

I can't explain my anxiety, I can't explain my AS, I can't explain my social phobia, but everything about me, my absolute zero in life so far, my wasted years, my extreme frustration everything just slapped me just right now when I was at the gym, and it was the lowest sinking feeling........

Dude, I've been right where you're at. You're not alone. This may seem simplistic, but it does get better. You're at the gym...that's good. Physical exercise does wonders. Focus on your dreams, your goals in life. Don't rely on others to supply happiness and joy in your life -- find those things yourself (hobbies, etc).

Try reading "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rilke. That helped me before I made it into therapy.

And lastly, I know you've said you've tried professional help...but you really need to keep at it until you find someone. I was lucky, and my first therapist was pretty astute. But I also promised myself that I would stick to it because I KNEW that f*****g horrible things were going to come out, and that my psyche would try to sabotage me. When I felt myself contriving reasons to leave my therapist, I knew that I was breaking ground and succeeding in sorting my s**t out.

Also, I wanted to add that the advice your dad gave you about things happening 'naturally'.? Yeah, not so much. You're correct I think...'naturally' doesn't work for many with AS simply because 'naturally' refers to a process that unfolds for NTs...not those with AS. We have difficulty picking up on the cues that would allow 'natural' things to happen in our lives, like picking up on subtle flirtations from interested potential partners. An NT in that situation would perhaps feel the vibe and ask out the person 'naturally', whereas for the old me the flirtation goes over my head and I continue copying D&D character sheets on company time.

@lightening020, sounds like you were on the verge of a panic attack. Sorry that you had such a bad experience, but it can get better. Probably didn't help that the attractive girls were there. It's possible that they sensed your discomfort which only added fuel to your fire.

Keep trying, don't let your anxiety win. You can get passed this...it just takes time & patience.

Well I'd say, the defense response to clam up and avert yourself just makes things worse. Only way out may be to keep putting yourself thru situations like that but concentrate on telling yourself their judgment doesn't matter; experience in the first degree, may be the only way. Course it doesn't come naturally. All these things people base their reactions on are petty and insignificant. If you want to deal with them anyway you'll have to teach yourself their ways, if only to come off as weird or eccentric rather than creepy. But hell. I bet you can do that. Just takes lots of awkward and painful trial and error. Worth it tho.

Is it really possible though? Can it be done?

Do I just dive right in awkwardly and trudge along? I mean I am really considering it....will it lead somewhere or will I end up keep embarrassing myself enough so that I clam up again?

Yes, it's possible and can be done. I was painfully and insanely shy all the way through my 20s, it wasn't until I was 32 or so that I got over (most) of the shyness in public situations. I still don't know how to end a conversation :S but when I hit my mid 30s, it was like the door opened and all of a sudden I was one of the cool kids. Most of my friendly aquaintainces are in their early 20s, and I relate to them more than people my age. People my age tend to be jealous of my "youth and vitality," which annoys me because they have NO IDEA how hard I worked to mature that much.

Atticus' advice to keep putting yourself through it is solid advice. "progressive exposure," the technique is called. Works best to start small and then work your way up. Like so: trying to talk to someone you have a crush on is going to be agonizingly difficult, but making small talk with some random stranger at the bus stop will eventually help you tackle the shyness issues.

I know "be patient" advice is annoying, at best. Crap, I didn't learn patience until I was 31 or so.

"Shoot for the stars, and you'll hit the roof."

Shoot for the stars, and if you miss, you'll land on the moon.

That sounds a lot like me, but I'm in my mid-40s...

Better late than never, I suppose...