The non-pursuer type.

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I noticed that the pursuing behavior is common in males, like when a guy likes a certain girl and he keeps trying to approach as much as possible, smartly "bumping" into her whenever she is, trying to talk her/ call her/ text her /message her at every opportunity in an attempt to make her interested in him, he stays persistent for days and weeks till he gets the right moment to achieve his first-phase goal (to ask her out). Those guys usually don't give up at the first sign of the girls' disinterest, but they would try tactically to again her attention by trying something else or by more adapting to her way of thinking.

While the guy following a such behavior might get an ugly backfire if the girl isn't interested in him, I witnessed plenty of relationships flourished out of this.

I, profoundly, lack this willingness of pursuing, I can get a passion toward some particular girl (and even that rarely happens) for few days, I plan to ask her out ( and sometimes I do ask her out but just directly after few days, not much of pursuing phase ), but :
-if it happens that for some reason, I couldn't ask her out as was planned (happened few times)
-If the girl in question I am not bumping into her much.
-or if I did ask her out but she said "I can't this ___ , maybe another time" (happened few times)
-or she did accept yet flaked out one day before (happened 3 times)


Then I automatically lose all passion and willingness to keep pursuing her hence I do not try harder, note that neither of those cases stated above are rejections (or at least direct rejections), guys in such situations usually keep trying till either get a clear "no" or yes, their passion is not easily turned off.

Even worse, sometimes I get a passion to approach a particular, and for non reason, I just lose the passion and hence the willingness. In such cases, I unconsciously have "meh, if she won't make her part of pursuing, then forget it" attitude and go on, yet I am totally aware it's an extremely unhealthy attitude because girls usually don't do any pursuing, I must never expect them , consciously or unconsciously, to act on it.


So any other non-"pursuer" male here? Or is it just me?

Not a single instance in my life I have seriously thought about pursuing any girl. I just don't understand how this thing is supposed to work, and I seldom see anybody more than once.

I'm not a pursuer.

I know, you're often the pursued.

I once did the pursuing. It was not really a good move (it was more like stalking anyway). Now I just don't do it anymore. I'm really crappy at it.

I'm definitely not a pursuer.

I abandon all efforts at the first sign of disinterest, and I wouldn't have even gotten that far if she hadn't shown some interest (real or imagined) in me first.

One unreturned email/text/phone call or declined lunch invitation and I am gone...

That sounds just like me. I think the problem, for me at least, is that it takes me a long, long time to like someone enough to actually make a move, but on the rare occasion a woman makes a move on me I usually just figure that I "might as well see where it goes". So I usually go in expecting not to be interested, which probably isn't the best way to start off.

Hehe, ditto. Though I'm a girl so I guess I am not supposed to do the pursuing.

Yeah this is me except i am a gal.

Also if i do the littlest thing which could be embarrassing, i can never face the person again.

When I was younger, I never actually went out and tried to get a date. If I remember right, even the only real girlfriend I ever loved opened up to me first. Now, however, I am a bit more active to trying to find someone. I don't go as far as being the pursuer in your scenario. I understand when a girl says no it means no, and I would rather not risk the friendship by continuing to go after her.

There's a fine line between pursuing and stalking

I used to be obsessive in my younger years....and then I went through the phase where your friends tell you 'don't try so hard, and love will come naturally'. Well, for an Aspie, that is poor advice. I don't blame them as neither they nor I knew of my AS at the time. But it was a lost decade for me with regard to romance, as 'don't try so hard' just means my AS made me invisible.

But things turned around when I began pursuing again, but in a more honest way. Putting myself out there, working on my issues, growing as a person, finding the right sort of women for me to pursue.

Now don't get me wrong, this is all relative...when I say things turned around, I mean I went from like 4 or 5 potential interests over ten years to meeting 5 in one year. And that change wasn't because I followed the mantra of 'don't try so hard'.

Maybe like me. When I count the attempts that I tried to seduce a girl or woman and the attempts that a woman or girl tried to seduce me, it is the latter (women trying to seduce me) which is higher. But I often don't see or recognize they were seducing me. I am too scared to seduce a woman myself, because she might see me as a creep. Recently I had a negative experience in which women did see me as a creep (but none of my female collagues, about 40 AFAIK, saw me like that).

This matter is still very hard and very frustrating and there is no obvious solution to it. But there are other ways to meet my sexual desires, if most of the women see me as inferior, where my thoughts and feelings are irrelevant for them.


I am much like you. One little sign of desinterest, even if it is something the women is not aware of herself, and I am gone... out of her sight. If she is interested (that is if I am mistaken with thinking she has no interest) she must go to me and talk with me, and say she is interested. Not only mush she say she's interested, her behaviour must be in accordance with what she was saying, or I won't believe her and get out of her sight again.

Hey, where did you obtain that video footage of me from?

Wait....if you just approached a girl ONCE and she said no (or pulled out the pepper spray...whatever), does that count as pursuing? Or do you have to be more persistent than that for it to count as pursuing?

If so, I guess I've only truly pursued a girl one time over ten years ago.

In your locker, did you forget our time...in the locker?

you should take me to dinner.