I went to a wedding this afternoon. I was asked to be the usher. I put a lot of pressure on myself not to be rude. I felt totally inadequate for the job. The usher part went okay. It was after the wedding that made me feel bad. I didn't want to be there, but I didn't want to be rude either, so I stayed for a while waiting for the right time to leave. My ex-girlfriend from a long time ago was there. This was the closest I have ever come to a long-term relationship. My good friend and his wife was there. It was a wedding, so of course the bride and groom were there. I was thinking, I can't do this. I can't get married. I'll never get married because of my AS. I wouldn't even be able to get through the marriage ceremony or the reception...too much social interaction. I saw a lot of people who were friendly to me and genuinely seemed to like me, but I thought this is as far as I will ever go socially. No woman is going to like me sexually or want marry me. I feel like my social difficulties are too much for a traditional dating relationship to work.
I can't tell the future, but this is how I feel. I am so used to getting rejected, that I don't even try anymore. When a woman shows interest, I don't know what to say, so I try to ignore her. That way I won't get my hopes up and then ruin things with my AS. Normally, I am not this depressed about it, but going to that wedding really made me feel bad. How come these people can have this and I can't? Social stuff seems to easy to them. I know I will never get it, at least not to the point where I will be fluent in social interactions and not come across as weird or rude.
I know other people here know what I am talking about. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.
27 Aug 2011, 7:43 pm
