Falling in love with a friend

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kingtut3
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11 Nov 2011, 5:09 pm

I'm starting to fall in love with a friend. What sort of tips could you give me for such a situation?



Radiofixr
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11 Nov 2011, 5:19 pm

Be careful-hopefully they feel the same way about you-I had that recently happen to me and it was another aspie-didnt feel the same way about me and told me it wasn't because of an age difference-it was really because of my looks and personality-and this after a year and 3 months of hanging out and doing things together-slept with another person after the first date.


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SoftlyStepping
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11 Nov 2011, 5:24 pm

Sounds like a good idea to me. A bit of romance is good for the soul.

Your life situation, dating experience, and hopes for the future will guide your interactions down the road.

It starts really simple though. Good friends, friends with benefits, then an exclusive relationship.

That's the cognitive structure, but we're describing an emotional interaction.

Tell her you like her. Make goo goo eyes. Flirt. Easy transition when you're confident enough to move it along.



autismthinker21
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14 Nov 2011, 5:54 pm

Radiofixr wrote:
Be careful-hopefully they feel the same way about you-I had that recently happen to me and it was another aspie-didnt feel the same way about me and told me it wasn't because of an age difference-it was really because of my looks and personality-and this after a year and 3 months of hanging out and doing things together-slept with another person after the first date.



wow that sucks.



Concretebadger
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14 Nov 2011, 6:07 pm

It really does depend on the friend, so I'm reluctant to offer any blanket statement; it's one of those case-by-case things in which one course of action works in one situation but not another. Generally though, honesty is the best policy in friendships so I'd say telling the person your true feelings for them is the better plan in the majority of cases. If your friendship is genuine it shouldn't do any lasting damage (unless one or both of you are in relationships with other people, which is a different matter entirely...). I actually experienced this dilemma myself once, so perhaps that's of more help to you.

My closest friend at uni was possibly the only person I could talk to about anything - I've never got along so well with anyone. This was back when I started university, so my social skills were pretty bad. She had to put up with a lot of misunderstandings and showed infinite patience. Like I said, a real friend.

The feelings I had for her kinda crept up gradually and in the end I felt it was the sensible thing to do in telling her. Perhaps *because* we were such good friends the confession went smoothly and she took it well. Oddly, our platonic relationship didn't change: I felt I had nothing to hide any more, and it didn't seem to bother her that I looked at her in a different way to how she looked at me.

Without knowing more details, I'm not sure how I can help. Feel free to ask about my experience though - it doesn't really upset me these days and I'm OK with discussing it (leaving out names, obviously) if it makes the process easier for someone else!



Radiofixr
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14 Nov 2011, 7:09 pm

Concretebadger wrote:
It really does depend on the friend, so I'm reluctant to offer any blanket statement; it's one of those case-by-case things in which one course of action works in one situation but not another. Generally though, honesty is the best policy in friendships so I'd say telling the person your true feelings for them is the better plan in the majority of cases. If your friendship is genuine it shouldn't do any lasting damage (unless one or both of you are in relationships with other people, which is a different matter entirely...). I actually experienced this dilemma myself once, so perhaps that's of more help to you.

My closest friend at uni was possibly the only person I could talk to about anything - I've never got along so well with anyone. This was back when I started university, so my social skills were pretty bad. She had to put up with a lot of misunderstandings and showed infinite patience. Like I said, a real friend.

The feelings I had for her kinda crept up gradually and in the end I felt it was the sensible thing to do in telling her. Perhaps *because* we were such good friends the confession went smoothly and she took it well. Oddly, our platonic relationship didn't change: I felt I had nothing to hide any more, and it didn't seem to bother her that I looked at her in a different way to how she looked at me.

Without knowing more details, I'm not sure how I can help. Feel free to ask about my experience though - it doesn't really upset me these days and I'm OK with discussing it (leaving out names, obviously) if it makes the process easier for someone else!

but some of us on the spectrum have a problem with expressing feelings and when I wanted to say something the age difference thing would somehow come up and stop me in my tracks about saying something. It is very difficult for me to express my feelings-I am pathetic and just cant win.


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SoftlyStepping
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14 Nov 2011, 7:38 pm

Radiofixr wrote:
but some of us on the spectrum have a problem with expressing feelings and when I wanted to say something the age difference thing would somehow come up and stop me in my tracks about saying something. It is very difficult for me to express my feelings-I am pathetic and just cant win.


I'd work on expressing feelings. Open an online dating account and say "I love you" to five women. Then start expressing more feelings to more women. Less than a paragraph each.

It's like free-form poetry.

You'll get ignored, slapped, and complimented.

Yet the key is your personal development. Express how you feel, until you get really good at it, and can romance a woman that you are compatible with.

Practice makes perfect.



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15 Nov 2011, 4:06 am

Prepare for the worst and pray for the best. Might as well tell your friend how you feel, though, there's no sense in not bothering to do anything.

I fell in love with my best friend and she didn't feel the same way, it was painful (and not in the good way :P) but today we're still best friends just like before, I didn't lose anything and I don't regret telling her at all.



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15 Nov 2011, 8:29 am

It depends on what kinda "friend" she is. If she's one of those "dump all my problems on you and never let you get a word in edgewise" type people, then I'd say admitting your feelings is a bad idea.

If she's one of those ones who know that there's supposed to be give and take coming from both sides, then I'd say that's a more favorable situation to be in. If she wants to go out with you, great! At the same time, if she doesn't, then at least you still have a good chance at staying friends.


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15 Nov 2011, 11:36 am

It's possible to approach the topic it gently. If you flirt and she flirts back, keep flirting and build the romance. Talk with her more. Invite her to do things with you, and only you.

Dating is fun.



dragonbean
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16 Nov 2011, 9:51 pm

I'm in your exact position. And the awkwardness and the unsure-ness sucks.
And I wish i had an answer D:



TeaEarlGreyHot
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16 Nov 2011, 10:03 pm

My advice... be upfront about how you're feeling, as best you can. The way I see it, if you're good friends they deserve to know you two may no longer be on the same page.

Be prepared to be shot down, too. It may not happen, but there's a chance.

Whatever you do, do your best not to try to avoid them if you choose (for whatever reason) to ignore your feelings. Made that mistake and it blew up in my face. :oops:


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kingtut3
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17 Nov 2011, 12:54 pm

I gave her a compliment about her personality. She gave me a hug. <3 :wink:



biostructure
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17 Nov 2011, 2:33 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
Whatever you do, do your best not to try to avoid them if you choose (for whatever reason) to ignore your feelings. Made that mistake and it blew up in my face. :oops:


Try to avoid your feelings? or try to avoid seeing the person? When rejected by someone after having admitted my feelings, I almost have to avoid the person for a while, for the sake of my sanity--or else I become not only depressed but pushy. I've always been annoyed when this has led to even less interest from their side, but at least I haven't been put into radiofixr's position (at least knowingly).

It takes a certain level of "non-fixatedness" to do what Asp-Z proposed, to be able to remain friends and not have a meltdown every time you see the person and are upset that he/she rejected you romantically/sexually. This tendency to fixate, I'm realizing, is something that varies greatly from person to person, and affects much more than rejection by potential lovers. If you are one of those people, like me, who struggles with this, I feel that dating is likely to be a source of frustration unless we can find partners who really go out of their way to like us, who see no reason to "test" or fish for reasons to reject, and in fact err on the side of accepting a lover they may later regret.

I would suggest you admit your feelings, but try and do it in as natural a way as possible. Some people have suggested to me that asking TOO early can make the other person feel pushed to make a decision as to whether they like you as more than a friend, which can make it more likely their answer is "no".



TeaEarlGreyHot
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17 Nov 2011, 2:53 pm

Both, really.


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