How do I deal with his rudeness?

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Sorry, I know I sound a bit 'moany' ...... but my aspie boyf has just text to say he is not so well, so I phoned him to see what was wrong. He hates talking on the phone with a passion. Wrong move!
We had a minute of talking about painkillers, and then I dared to ask about his day and a few other stuff.... I could tell he was uncomfortable speaking on the phone, but I wanted to hear his voice for a bit longer.

He then mentioned his car was playing up. He has a very large car, which he used to use for his job but no longer does that job anymore and has metioned about getting a smaller car for running around town in. When I said about him possibly changing it, he said

Him "why you talking about me changing my car"
Me "well just making conversation, you have mentioned changing it before"
Him "but you rung to talk about me taking some pills for my pain"
Me "i know but you mentioned your car so asking about it"
Him "I dont understand you, you phone me about pills and then practically ORDER me to change my car"
Me "do you realise how rude you are to me... I don't deserve it"
Him "well you started it........

and so it goes on until I hang up on him.

I am hurt, and waiting for an apology that will never come. He finds it extremely hard to say the word -sorry - he wont apologise for his rudeness, but next time he sees me will have forgotten about the hurt he has caused and will be affronted if I bring it up. He will tell me I am over-sensitive.

A few weeks ago he mislaid his wallet, and he said to me "well it was in the kitchen yesterday, and theres only you and me here so you must have taken it"
I was really hurt and when I went upstairs I found his wallet in his bedside cabinet. When i pointed it out, he refused to apologise and just laughed at my sensitivity.

What am I doing wrong.... should I keep telling him when he is downright rude, should I make him apologise everytime - not sure what to do, but fed up of trying to get him to be accountable for his behaviour. I try really hard to be gentle and kind with him all the time, but it is getting harder.

We were due to see each other tomorrow (we adore each other in the main) but now I dont feel like showing up.

Please advise me - thanks very much

His Anti-Gold Diggers Alarm System is over-functioning, he needs to tune it down...a lot.

Btw...


Me ---------------------------------------------------------->What exactly you said here?
Him "why you talking about me changing my car"
Me "well just making conversation, you have mentioned changing it before"
Him "but you rung to talk about me taking some pills for my pain"
Me "i know but you mentioned your car so asking about it"
Him "I dont understand you, you phone me about pills and then practically ORDER me to change my car"
Me "do you realise how rude you are to me... I don't deserve it"
Him "well you started it........

My advice (I often hate talking on the phone too, had the same problem in my last relationship - I wanted to send written messages, he wanted to call - it got to the point where he'd call and I'd just hang up on him without answering) - if he sends a text saying he is unwell then respond in kind - with a text. I love getting written messages from people because it's zero stress, whereas talking on the phone can be stressful and unpleasant. If he is unwell then this is likely to be doubly so, plus he will have less patience/tolerance to deal with it if it happens.

What happened on the phone was very straightforward. You called, he tried really hard to be pleasant while counting down the seconds until you'd hang up and the torment would stop (imagine your loved one asked you to stand on hot coals because it made them feel good - you'd stand there as long as you could take it because you love them and want to make them feel good, but eventually the pain would be unbearable and you'd have to jump off). So he is holding on while you ask him about his meds. But THEN you change the topic completely to talk about his car, indicating that you are settling in for a long conversation, plus you are talking about an irrelevant topic that doesn't really need to be discussed for your sake (it is not something about you - it is for his sake) so he is still going through the pain but it doesn't make you feel good (directly) so it's like he's standing on hot coals, in searing pain, while you chat aimlessly about the weather while ignoring his suffering. Of course, he snaps, flips out, and the conversation ends in an argument. On the other hand, just the indication that you are drawing out the conversation needlessly would have been enough. He'll take however much he has to take at need to please you, but needless suffering would make anybody mad.

With the money thing, either he was just completely out of line, or he actually seriously thought he was just making a funny joke. I am inclined, after reading his "sensitivity" response, to believe the latter. Laughing at your sensitivity is VERY typical Asperger's behaviour - he does not experience instinctive empathy the way a normal person would (this doesn't mean he has no empathy, it just means that it's not instinctual or automatically triggered by non-verbal cues). He literally would not have realized you were actually really hurt, OR realized that his sensitivity joke would be hurtful to you. With the sensitivity thing, I tend to do the same thing all the time to my mum - she actually gets really upset about something, I don't realize how upset she actually is, and crack jokes about her being oversensitive. I am certain he wouldn't have been being intentionally hurtful.

I don't think he was rude. He may have shocked you, but I think it was just a misunderstanding; he doesn't understand Small Talk. I think he sees phone calls as tools, not as experiences, so he thought that you were calling for a specific purpose and got annoyed when you started prolonging an activity he hated for no reason he could see.

I think you are a little too sensitive, but I think he should also make an effort to be more careful around you. Maybe you can make a deal with him so that you will try to be less sensitive and he will try to at least apologize when he crosses the line. It may be just the people I know and me, but I think people with Asperger's Syndrome usually respond well to deals they see as fair.

Also, remember that he's probably not trying to be mean to you. In his mind, he's probably acting like a reasonable person. Like sunshower said, he doesn't instinctively realize you're feeling bad due to nonverbal cues. Maybe it would help him if you told him when he was hurting your feelings. It could also help him if, ahead of time, you gave him examples of what would hurt your feelings and what you act like when his feelings are hurt. Maybe you could even write them down if he needs that. From what I've seen of myself and others, Aspies don't generally respond well to generalizations; we need specific examples--I've learned this the hard way!

Hopefully you will feel better and you will both be able to not bother each other so much.

The first instance wasn't really rudeness. You called him, knowing that he dislikes the phone, when he was unwell and thus even less able to deal with it. Did you really expect a good reaction? When you are sick, do you appreciate it if people pull you into activities that you find stressful?

thank you all or your brilliant replies. It has given me food for thought.
Dollie x

I am sure mine tasted like chocolate.