Standards men and women expect of each other

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While looking around the forum today, I saw two threads made by men who were declaring that they didn't need women and would practice abstinence in order to be happy. Having made a similar thread myself not too long ago, I reflected on the idea and thought about how it basically was derived from the idea that the person can't possibly meet women's standards so "to heck with them all" kind of thing.

In my case, at least, I can declare this to be a little bit wishful thinking on my part. The drive to seek a partner is a natural instinct that you can't just cure yourself of, and I'm never going to give up completely. However, the standards that are expected of a man who seeks a woman do seem intimidating. PUA material and other such guides declare that confidence and a charming sense of humour are key, and this is supported by anecdotal evidence (I've seen posts by women who agree that confidence in a man is very appealing). I also believe there is scientific research that supports this, but I don't have a source I can list off the top of my head.

Anyway, one thing about these expectations is that they are intimidating to men who feel afraid that they can't live up to them, and this leaves some of them (myself included) afraid of the idea of dating and intimacy because of the performance that is required. It is not uncommon to here the claim that women have it far easier, as the "TFL" movement claims.

Thinking about it, though, women are very strongly judged by their looks by men seeking a woman. It's far from the only crucial factor, but it's known that men are more visually affected by a woman's appearance that vice versa. So, women who are largely built, or who have small breasts, or strange looking faces will certainly feel like they are unable to meet a physical standard men expect of them-something that could lead to bitterness in those who are unhappy with their appearance.

On the whole, it seems that we are remarkably hard on one another. There must be members of both sexes who feel like they aren't worthy of love and a relationship, and who harbour fears of ever coming in close contact with a member of the opposite sex. The fundamental fear is that they will be put to shame and shown to be undeserving of another's love and affection, instead of becoming happily united with a compatible person, due to their inability to perform as demanded.

How should we think of ourselves and our value as partners in light of the fact that we often feel very inadequate indeed for a relationship? Denying our natural desire for companionship isn't the answer, I think. It reinforces a sense of bitter defiance-not that a loveable partner we can be with just doesn't happen to be part of our lives yet, but that we must deny the happiness that love could potentially bring into our lives and declare it irrelevant.

For example, if I should be judged as deserving of no more than friendship by women, should I be bitter about this? Or should I struggle to adopt a more exciting persona, that goes against how I feel naturally inclined to act?

I don't think so. I might not fit the standard that excites and attracts women. But that changes nothing about my worth as a person. If there is no one that is willing to meet my needs in a relationship, then only nature is to blame. And, despite this, I'll continue to seek out someone around whom I could have a happy and comfortable relationship-regardless of whether I fail to meet the "norm" of confident and charming that is so desired.

I'll still take into account the classic rules, at least for men-to use humour, flirt effectively with body language, don't be too shy or hesitant-but rules are meant to be bent a little, not followed strictly in every situation. If you feel the standards the opposite sex apparently demands of you are too high, give yourself some slack and allow yourself to strive only as high as you can go!

You might be still be single for a long time, but at least you won't be unhappy-or afraid to take a chance when the time does come.

Here here!
Well said!

Good post! And don't forget that the wrong relationship isn't better than no relationship at all. Take it from a 30-something divorced lady who has little trouble attracting the opposite sex, more trouble in finding the right person. The right person is worth waiting for as one goes about bettering themselves and living a productive, fruitful life.
To thine own self be true.
No point in "false advertising" in pretending to be anything other than your best, true self. If you are looking for long term commitment, you are only fencing yourself into a bad situation by trying to mess with who you are at your core.

For the record I have been my true self all of my adult life, and realize this is a uniqe treasure I posess. My exes and others I've known have been less fortunate and wrangled themselves into a life they can't walk out... b/c it was never who they really were. It was more who they wanted to be or what they thought they had to be to be in relationship.