Should Aspies marry Aspies?

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Thinking back over my undiagnosed life and the involvements I had (I'm gay so there were no official marraiges) I now see that the people I felt closest to were the ones I can now see where somewhere on the spectrum. My current partner is Aspie in many ways - the most of anyone I have been with, although she is not interested in categorizing herself. And she is much better in social situations and talking to people than I am. But it seems like us Aspies would be happiest with other Aspies or people who are close to Aspie but maybe just over the line into NT. I also read a lot of posts here, mostly by lonely Aspie guys and keep thinking they would have more sucess finding a relationship if they gave up trying with NTs and went for the Aspie gals or guys. Any thoughts?

(Disclaimer: All of this is my opinion.)
In many ways, having an NT can be great support and complement to an AS.
They can help you in social situations and reassure you when certain things happen.
You just have to find someone who accepts you for who you are, regardless of whether they are AS or NT, though.

Me personally: I've found an NT who accepts my AS and loves me all the same. As far as I can see, as long as you have enough in common with your partner, and you get along well, it probably won't matter whether or not they are on the spectrum.

I don't think being on the spectrum means you'll necessarily get along either.

Aspies should marry who they want to marry just like everyone else.

AS/AS relationships definitely can work well, but don't innately work because of both people being on the spectrum. AS/NT relationships also can work and don't innately fail. Sometimes NTs are right for people with ASDs, sometimes others with ASDs are. It really depends on the individual and cannot just be simplified like that.

I know of both successful AS/NT and AS/AS relationships.

I would think twice about having a child with another aspie out of fear of creating another autistic child. I would not want the kid to go through what I had to endure growing up. The only way I would have a child with another aspie is if I had an extremely good paying job and could afford a good private school along with boxing and martial arts training. I know bullying can happen at a private school but at least the kid would get proper education. I went to a working poor school and was bullied everyday and left with only a sub-standard education to show for it.

My plan is having children who are likely autistic but homeschool them. Homeschooling when done well works out really well for kids (including autistic ones)

I personally don't think being afraid of having autistic children is a good reason to avoid marrying someone else on the spectrum.

I think they should marry whoever they want. I have heard that lot of AS/AS relationships fail due to the traits of it like "lack of empathy" and the rigidness, the inflexibility.

I didn't marry someone on the spectrum and one out of my 3 kids has AS. She's a bright, interesting kid and yeah, she has some difficulties with school and other people, but there isn't a moment that I'm not glad she's here. So, (1) no one should get freaked about having a kid on the spectrum and (2) marrying an NT doesn't guarantee that you'll have NT kids.

As far as the OP's question, I sometimes wonder if I'd have had an easier time with someone else on the spectrum. I've been married a long time and sometimes he doesn't "get it" about things that happen with me because of the AS. But, OTOH, being more NT than I am (he has ADHD, so he's not 100% NT) gives him a way that he can help me out with interpreting situations. In short, I don't really think it matters whether one's partner is NT or AS, but rather whether he or she is willing to try and work things out when things get difficult.

~Kate

Honestly, I think the only person who would want to marry me would be autistic.

Opposites attract though and I seem to attract the most social butterflies.

Totally depends on the person. People who have similar perspectives do tend to like each other more, but that doesn't have to come from Asperger's. There's more to a person than autism, after all; and that means there's more than autism about them that might make them a good match for someone else.

Autistic/autistic marriages might be more likely than just random chance, but I think it'd be silly to limit yourself to other autistics only. There are plenty of interesting people in the other 99% of the world.

I think I gravitate to non-NT people more, and it's not different with relating to the opposite gender. I'm sure my first and only lasting relationship happened with a girl who has at least one mental category specified in the DSM herself. She's not diagnosed actually, but she should have been, I'm sure about it. Sadly, I would have had the chance to stay beside her if she had.

Just looking around and guessing about people I see around me (relatives, acquaintances, my friend, my parents) I would say most couples are like this: one person has more autistic traits (or autistic-like traits), while the other has less. Sometimes they just have different, mostly complementing personalities.

So, eventually, I think the best bet would be a girl (guy) who is an NT with only some autistic traits (BAP) or a (generally) milder/different disorder (like ADD/ADHD).

Im not quite sure. I mean many aspies like to think they should be with other aspies. I think it can work out in some circumstances. But I can imagine many instances were things can go wrong for the essential reason...we're both aspie. Like different sensory problems? Or extreme stubborness on both sides. You cant agree on a matter to save your lives and neither partner will give in.

I personally am not interested in an aspie unless he's really got his life together. I am interested in guys with some AS characteristics but I want them to responsible and a fully function-able adult. Not the naive, disorganized, bad executive functioning levels that many aspies seem to have.

Nobody should marry. Going on 20 years with the same person and no inclination to marry. I cannot fathom the purpose.

I just go for the person, not what neurology they have. The man I have a major crush on now might turn around and say he's an Aspie one day. I doubt he is, but you never know. I would still continue fancying him.

Maybe not for you, but there's plenty of reason for the people who do marry.

Marriage allows people to have a convenient legal way to pool resources and declare ownership of property and custody of children after one or the other dies. It also gives them medical and financial power of attorney over each other when one or the other becomes incapacitated. If they are not married, they have to hire lawyers to do all this stuff separately. (And I hope you have. My mom and her boyfriend had this problem: She was not allowed to make medical decisions for him when he was unconscious and dying, because they were not married.)

It formalizes their commitment to each other.

It allows for a public ceremony that lets them tell the whole world they now consider themselves a family.

It serves as a rite of passage in our culture, initiating the couple into full adulthood.

Okay, maybe you're not into marriage; but there really are plenty of reasons for it. If you want to study further, I suggest you look up some sites talking about the issue of gay marriage, especially in the US where the debate is particularly hard-fought. Reading about the people who want to be married, and can't be, might give you a good picture of why marriage is so important to so many people.

Should? No idea.

My experience.

I married an NT and from another culture too and I attribute both of those factors to the fact that we are still married - 20+ years on.

I don't think I could have endured living with someone like me for more than a few months

Aspergers is challenging enough for me and I can't imagine having to cope with (or assist with helping with) someone else's Autism. I imagine it would be one enormous anxiety vortex.

Looking back, it's clear that my wife has been my seeing eye dog for things 'social' and she has far more patience than is typical of women from my birth culture.

I think that aspies should marry whoever they want.