How is this possible in college?

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Been a while since I posted here, but I think this is necessary.

I've been down a crazy road since I was involved in a breakup in March. Of course, everybody cries on the first breakup, that's normal. I used to walk around with that spineless mentality that I was a "nice guy" and that I was taken advantage of.

There is no such thing as a nice guy, in my opinion. You can treat a woman with respect, but a relationship that doesn't argue or test each other fails in the end.

Since then, a lot has changed. Getting out of high school, going to college, meeting new people, etc. That part of accepting the change, academically, was fine. Socially, I'm back to square one.

Don't get me wrong, I can meet people, but it takes a very long time to do it.

What has been irking me, and what has brought me back to WP was the fact that when it comes to women, I always end up in the same dilemma: I cannot talk to SINGLE women. I end up talking to the women that have been in relationships. When I walk through the halls in between classes, I see a couple making out and suddenly something snaps. I get frustrated and walk faster. When I see it again, something just ticks off in my head. What adds salt to those wounds is when I see the guy that is more of a geek than I am, holding hands with a very good-looking woman.

I never thought it would become this bad. I've been trying to figure out why people do these things and how do they build up so much damn confidence to speak to women and have them hang around with them.

I don't feel comfortable going out and partying all the time or going to social clubs; it ain't me.

I feel like a robot walking through those halls, as if people just see another person and keep walking.

I understand that something like this takes a lot of time; I'm a very patient man.

I don't want to be in my 40s trying to set myself out in the world and end up another 40-year-old virgin.

This is a problem that I can't solve.

Dating is not a meritocracy. You have to remember that. That guy with the girl in the hall is NOT better than you. He just had a different set of circumstances that allowed him to meet that girl. Just like you will, in time.

It's been my experience that guys who easily talk to girls are also guys who easily talk to ANYONE. Guys, girls, young old, black, white, whomever. And the way they meet these girls is the way everyone tells you to get a good job after college: Networking. Ask any guy who has a girlfriend how he met her, and more often than not, she was somebody's friend/sister/classmate/coworker/roommate and they have that person or place in common. Sure, some guys can just approach a girl in a bar they've never met and go home with her number, but that's not how most couples meet.

In other words, go where the people are and talk to the ones you like. Guy, married girl, old professor, whoever. Because they all know somebody who knows somebody. And in time you'll know that somebody too. And she'll be single.

The whole idea that a healthty reationship inclodes aurgeing is very true. however just becouse a alleged nise guy man is aurgeing with his girl and thiere a little aurging back in forth. does not make him a jerk. as aliitle aurging is healthy.

specking to your qustsion it sounds like you want to date women whose never been in realtionships or maybe miss worded that staement.

you should not feel up set about seeing other couples with each other. you will get your chance but dont rush into dating or feel you need to date becouse every ones doing it.

its more likey couples know each other from friend groups before they started dating, so they were friends alroudy before dating and it less akword to ask a friend that you got to know and love well out. then to ask a and befriend stanger just with th purpose of dating and this can happen but not as often becouse it can seem much more okword and more likey to mess up.


instade of dating on your mind find some frinends. join a club at your school and talk to people with same interst in the cafes at school and might meet someone but dont gain girls as friends with the puoprose of dating. dating is kind of secoundery at college. injoy your stay and expore.

There is no such thing as a "nice guy," even an alleged one.

I'd just like to meet women that aren't already taken when I meet them. I always ended up with this dilemma in high school, and I am REALLY trying to avoid a repeat in history.

I've tried to enter social clubs, but it does absolutely nothing for me, socially. If it has to deal with work or academics, I keep a workaholic mindset. Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't give me enough time to meet people and slow down.

I can handle college, academically. But socially, it seems as if history is starting to repeat itself, and it's coming extremely fast.

if you are friends with them when they are taken, you will be friends with them when they are single again. not many women marry their college boyfriends - it's usually a lot of serial monogamy. not to say that you should be friends with them for that reason, but being a good friend has many benefits, including increasing your potential dating pool in future.

on another note... have you considered that you may be especially drawn to women who are already in relationships? perhaps it is their cheerful flirtiness you notice, or they way they are smiling all the time. instead of noticing those women, turn to other women - the ones who are quieter, more sombre, maybe all alone. perhaps there is a less popular girl who craves your attention, but you are distracted by the outgoing ones.

there are many single women on campus, but maybe you need to think why you have not noticed them or interacted with them yet.

i think a lot of your frustration comes from 'if them, why not me!'

and why not you?!

you can have a girlfriend too. yes, it will be hard. yes you'll have to work at it, but its possible, and thats all thats important.

suck at talking to girls? talk to 1 girl a day from now on. even if its just 'hi, how are you today?' or something short and sweet like that, with someone you arent even interested in, or someone much older than you, etc.

the point is reps. repetitions. keep at and you'll get better and better. sooner or later you'll 'snap', but in a GOOD way, and think 'i COULD be nervous, i COULD be all up in my head, but instead i'll just go say "Hi" and smile.'

it's easy to just say to do something, a lot harder to actually do it.

I'm the worst when I meet people. Trying to just say "hi" causes me to just stop talking and freeze up, I get nervous as hell and everything in my head just shuts down. I don't know what the problem is, but i've always had this problem all of my life, trying to talk to people. I always tense up and can only get a few words out before i can't think of what i'm trying to say.

I find that the only way I can meet someone is through being involved in something like volunteering or some other organization (clubs, drama,music,sports,festivals) where there is a common interest. In these situations I am more comfortable ...in my zone...so to speak and can actually carry a conversation. Otherwise, in most social situations (parties, luncheons, etc), I stumble on my words, say the wrong word, switch words around, lose interest in small talk , and find nothing to say...that sucks.

Heres what you need to do:

Talk to them, and act like you don't care. Because you shouldn't care. You shouldn't care at all if the girl you're talking to is going to hook up with you or not. You should just talk to lots of girls and see what happens. Just join conversations with kids in your classes or dorms or wherever everybody chills, talk to lots of girls, and talk to lots of guys too. Basically just try to be part of their crowd. That's how girls get to know you and start to feel comfortable around you. As long as they know who you are and you put yourself out there.

Do you guys take breaks in your classes? If so, thats a good time to get to know your classmates. Just chat with them. Be confident, be casual, be funny, and relate to people. Don't just talk about you and things you love, join conversations and add funny things to conversation.

You should also try to pick up a special talent that women think is cool. I play guitar and I skateboard, and girls in my dorm seem to think that's pretty cool. Some girls have started conversations with me just because I was chilling outside my dorm with my board, asking me to show them tricks.

Also, you need to basically convince yourself that you're this super cool dude who women love. You need to keep telling yourself that until you actually believe it, and then it becomes true. I always pictured myself as being like Hyde from That 70s Show. this really cool rocker dude who smokes, drinks, hates authority, and has mad swag.

I'm gonna speak from my own experience here: I went to community college for 4 years. My first 3 years were my most awkward years, and my 4th year was what I call my "transition year". During my first 3 years, I had really bad style, and I was afraid to talk to girls. There were really pretty girls I'd see in my classes, and sometimes I'd talk to briefly, but I had no idea how to get them to want to hang out with me. My 4th year, I began to develop my "swag". What you need to do is picture yourself as this really cool dude. Picture yourself as what you want to be, and keep telling yourself that you're that guy until you begin to believe it. I used to picture myself as being like Hyde from That 70s Show. This really cool rocker dude who smokes and drinks, hates authority, and is super cool with the ladies. I feel like during my last year at community college, I pretty much became Hyde...I also tried to teach myself not to care so much about what girls think of me. That takes the edge off a lot. Don't worry if they'll be your girlfriend or not, just talk to them because they're there. They're people to talk to. It may feel awkward at first and you might make a fool out of yourself the first few times, but it's all part of the learning experience. You'll talk to more girls and you'll get better at it. Believe me, when I started growing confidence, I probably made a fool out of myself sometimes, and I probably made a fool out of myself a few times. And I know for a fact that I got stuck in the friend-zone MANY times because I'd talk to girls and hang out with them, but I'd be too damn nervous to make a move. But having female friends is okay! Because you'll learn more about how females work if you associate with lots of them, even if it's platonic.

After I left community college, I started my first year at art school, and I started meeting even more girls. By this point, I feel like my "swag" had really developed. Nobody I met even suspected that I had aspergers. I would sometimes tell people, and they wouldn't believe me, because I had tried so hard in that 1 year to gain some social confidence and it worked. My luck with the ladies still wasn't too good. I made lots of female friends, but I never hooked up or dated anyone. But I became part of the in-crowd there pretty quickly. I became friends with lots of people in the dorms, and started going to parties regularly. Now I'm in my second year of community college, and my luck with the girls has gotten way better. I've already cuddled with one girl, fooled around with another, and I'm currently kinda dating this other smoking hot blonde girl. I mean, I still have my faults, and I still have awkward moments around girls, but I don't care because it's all part of the learning experience.

That's how you gotta look at it - like a learning experience. Just keep talking to girls and learn more about them, and meet more and more of them.

Agreed but I dont see the harm on talking about yourself IN MODERATION(keep the bolded part in mind at all times).

For two years I made every attempt I could to approach the cool people in my class and they just ignored me because I was clingy, pushy...

This year I no longer care about this kind of thing, Im happy by myself and if someone feels like talking to me fine but if not its not the end of the world.

It turns out that this people that avoided me in the past are now approaching me trying to talk between classes and Im the one that ends the conversation most of the time because I´d rather talk to other people than those that used to avoid me in the past.

Truth. Everything is good in moderation. Tell people about yourself but don't brag overtly or repeat yourself.

It's better to let people ask questions about you, rather than for you to just come straight out and tell people about yourself. Ask other people questions and let them ask questions back.

Talking is my biggest problem. I'm not shy, I just need something to talk about. When it comes to meeting women, it's very hard because I never have anything viable to talk about. Things that I'm interested in and enjoy talking about aren't typically things you'll want to talk with women about. After a simple greeting, I'm lost. I don't know what any of her interests are so I don't know what to ask or comment about. I also can't bring myself to talk for the sake of talking. For example a buddy of mine and I were walking my dog and we saw a woman there walking her dog. He told me I should ask her what kind of dog she had. I told him that it was a boxer. He smiled and said he knew that, but I should ask anyway as a means of breaking the ice. This kind of thing just baffles me. If I already know the answer, I can't bring myself to ask the question.

Sacrip,

Excellent post! It's all about hanging in there and sooner or later - your turn comes!

MetalAspie,

Methinks you have a lot of tenacity as well as your "swag." Tenacity - almost always - wins in the long run!

Great post - thanks!

ok, so don't ask that question. instead...

"oh, a boxer!" followed by:


"did you get him/her from a breeder?"
"how old?"
"i always heard boxers are quite trainable. what's your experience?"
"what do you call this coat, brindle? did you know that guinea pigs can have brindle coats?"
"is s/he friendly?"
"i've thought about getting a boxer but i don't have the space. how do you deal with that in the city?"
"i'm mostly a fan of GSDs but i make an exception for boxers. do you have any other pets?"
"that's an awesome collar/leash/coat, do you buy your gear locally?"
"wow what a great shiny coat. did s/he just come from the groomer's?"
"my dog and i want to say hello, hope you don't mind. is s/he friendly?"
"boxers seem to be getting more popular lately. what's your experience with handling their quirks?"


it's not about what you say, it's about getting her to talk. just say something and over time you'll build up better skills. find a tangent and take it boldly. be as creative as you want to be because you literally have nothing to lose: if you do not talk to her then you'll never see her again, and if you mess it up you'll also never see her again. sure, your pride will sting but you'll have regret anyways if you don't try.

Its pretty rare for people to continue a relationship after college.