I'm sick of being told 'you're better off alone"

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I am tired of older women treating me like i'm an idiot and telling me I don't know what i'm wishing for etc and how much happier I am alone.

I just want to be normal,

I'm seeing this on here too lately. It's natural to want to pair up with someone, stop treating people like they want something insane and repugnant.

Word.

What's hilarious is that the nimrods that say this are never single themselves.

Someday I'm going to reply, "I can't wait to tell your girlfriend/boyfriend that you said that..."

While it's natural to want to pair up, it's also natural not to. I think both sides tend to forget this.

"I just want to be normal"

Just so you know, "normal" is being in a relationship. "Normal" is also NOT being in a relationship.

If having a relationship is something that you desire - I respect this. However, if you find it difficult to establish a relationship or maintain a relationship - I would also want to assure you that being alone is "normal" too and can have some distinct advantages.

I am an "older woman" too. However, I did not establish a solid long term relationship until I was in my mid-thirties. I had a lot of "alone time" in my young adulthood (my twenties). I understand the pressures, advantages and disadvantages of being a single adult and being a married adult.

Whether you are a single person or a person in a relationship - I would encourage you to appreciate the advantages of whichever relationship status you are in.

Being single is not better than being in a relationship. Being in a relationship is not better than being single. They are just different. Both are "normal" and good.

I've been told by people who have *had* relationships (and are not currently in any) that I'm not missing anything. I tend to believe them.

You shouldn't. Every relationship is determined by those in it. Just because they got nothing out of theirs doesn't mean you wouldn't if you found the right person.

Well, to be fair, the stresses I've heard from other people about relationships and what they have to do in them makes them seem like it's not worth it to me.

And it's not like there's anyone in the local or semi-local area that I could even know well enough for anything to develop. If it happens at all it will pretty much have to be someone that has lived far away but made it into the local area.

Also mid 30s and single here... I also think there are advantages and disadvantages. When I was younger I preferred being single, but now I am not so sure. Anyway I dont want to date someone incompatible as it will be too hard when the relationship falls apart. I tend to become attached whether it is a good relationship or not. So I am being picky now.

Yeah weighing the tradeoffs can be timeconsuming and confusing.

What do you mean by tradeoffs?

there are books, such as Marry Him, by Lori Gottlieb

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/arc ... -him/6651/

which state we women in our 30s need to stop being so picky, dammit!

But I think we should actually be more selective than we were in our 20s, not less. We are looking for a companion to take us into middle age, then older age... why would we suddenly want to settle? Yes there is the having kids thing I guess. But still...

Last edited by zen_mistress on 30 Oct 2011, 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Be happy with whatever decisions you make. Enjoy being single and during that time learn about yourself, find new friends, or just enjoy some alone time doing things that you want to do. Sometimes its good to explore new hobbies or just figure out what you want/do not want in your next relationship. Its often times in these moments when you will meet someone worthwhile.

I also think its ridiculous to argue what is considered "normal" or not. After all, this is completely based on perspective.

As a woman now in my 40's I would not stop "being picky" - however I might also not be constrained by traditional expectations of relationships.

If something was to happen to my relationship with my husband (I became a widow or we divorced) - I may not want to get married again. I might be perfectly satisfied enjoying dating and casual sex. I would have my own home, my own finances and he would have his own home and own finances. I would have platonic friends which I would also maintain. I would take courses, join clubs and have fun. I would be my own person - not necessarily a half of a couple.

There is actually something rather liberating about this.

My husband shared with me about one of his grandmothers. She was a widow. She ended up marrying some guy because she did not want to be alone (and she probably had needs for physical intimacy). The thing is - she was from a culture which mandated that she must be MARRIED to enjoy physical intimacy with someone. She ended up in an emotionally abusive marriage.

So, "lowering one's expectations" may not be such a good idea.

Tradeoffs are counterpoints; they are two halves that you can only have one half of in each of the two given situations and never both halves in the same situation, because it's a physical or logistical impossibility.

For example:

If you're single, you don't have to worry about pleasing that other person, but you cannot have sex (unless you do a FWB or random1nightstand).

If you're in a relationship, there is chances of arguments and disagreements. If you're single that never happens. But if you're single, you don't get the affection of that other person along with the disagreements. So you have to basically choose between affection and some disagreements, or no disagreements period and also no affection.

also haha, I've never had the CHANCE to be 'picky', as there was no-one to reject (there was also nobody to approach). It just never happened. So if anyone's picky it is the guys, in my case.

Perhaps they pre-emptively sensed something deeply unsuitable. Maybe they're right, I dunno.

So, to borrow a term from DOTA Allstars, unless I really luck out I'm going to be solo mid.

And I am one of those people who feels this way. I would gladly erase all of my past relationships from my personal history, if there was a viable way to accomplish this.

Also, don't entirely discount older women either for friendship and a bit of fun.