Love and Relationships? Hardest thing for an Aspie?

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I was just wondering to what extent people on here find that love, relationships and dating are the hardest obstacle to overcome for us Aspies? I mean it relies so heavily on certain instincts and inherent social abilities that we have trouble acquiring and using. There's also the issue of the mental drain attempting the more socially accepted routes of courtship would bring. Opinions? Thoughts? Discuss.

yes its a very difficult thing to do as I have recently been hurt by another aspie whom I had feelings for who did not have feelings for me and its quite complex because the reason I was led to believe all along wasnt the real reason it was due to other reasons and it took a year to find this out.

Ouch, yeah, I can relate to that sort of thing. It seems even finding out how much of a feeling there is between the two parties is one of the biggest hurdles.

Easily the biggest challenge in my life, everything else is almost trivially easy in comparison.

I may have to finally accept that it is one challenge I may never overcome - but that is completely contrary to my nature...

You have to make a conscious effort to study and adopt behavioural patterns that are supposed to be natural and instinctual for most normal people, and in general neurotypicals aren't tolerant of you failing to make the right moves, even if they do like you. It's up to you to work on improving how you relate to the opposite sex.

So yes, while it is challenging, once you've mastered the correct attitudes and behaviours I'd imagine it's just like anything else-try and try again. A big reason why Aspies tend to be unsuccessful, in love as well as other areas of their lives, is because they are undiagnosed and aren't getting the help they need to succeed.

A good point, but having to learn those behaviours is much harder than learning the more basic social stuff, even for one, such as myself, diagnosed at an early age. Although of course, you never quite perfect the basics either.

I think that's true, but I've never been able to get past the feelings of falseness that would entail. I guess I'm talking about "come hither" maneuvers. But my relationship issues go much deeper than that. For myself it's more a fear of losing my solitude.

I think it is definitely hard.

Awesome avatar BTW, J-snukk.

Those are a vital and necessary part of the process. Love is a competition for scarce resources. You can't afford to be squeamish about flirting or you'll be overlooked for more self-assured individuals.

GET OUT OF MY MIND!! !

Psychologically bonding with someone is the hardest for me. When I can't do that because I'm not compatible with a lot of people, it also destroys my sex drive. Orgasms are very psychological for a lot of women.

Last edited by Angel_ryan on 31 Oct 2011, 11:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've never found it exceedingly-difficult, I think because I devote so much energy to cultivating relationships- they've always been and continue to be the single most important thing in my life.

I wish I had an answer as to why it is so difficult and frightening for some to have relationships, while others run to relationships and readily embrace them. I've been "comminicating/involved" with a man with aspergers for a year and a half now and he refuses to even see me most of the time. Sometimes he goes a month or two without seeing me at all. So often while we're having the best time communicating either talking or texting, right in the middle of the conversation he suddenly without warning, needs to go. He usually doesn't even pick back up at a later time where the subject abruptly ended; and sometimes I won't even hear from him after that for a day or two. I truly wish I understood what prompts this "out of left field" retreating that makes me feel so rejected or as if I've done something wrong.

Then he has the nerve to say "Gosh, I didn't get a text from you or hear anything from you for the past 3 or 4 days!" When I ask him about why he does this and remind him he was the one who left the conversation and never returned he doesn't even respond with an explanation. It's just so odd and hurtful to do so well and then continuously regress back so far. Does anyone have any answers as to why he does this disappearing and retreating thing? He has had 5 or six relationships end without warning and he honestly doesn't even understand why? He's so clueless about how hurtful he is and I don't know if I will ever be able to make him see how damaging and hurtful his actions are. He does the same things repeatedly and seems completely insensitive to his partners feelings when he makes these out of no where exits. Do you think he feels overwhelmed with getting to close or is it common for people with AS to get easily distracted and forget about you, or even odder could this be a constant ploy to see if I will keep chasing him. After he darts on me sometimes I will send one or two texts or messages but after that the ball is in his court. Thanks so much to anyone who's listening. It's a relief to get this off my chest.

I used to do this when I felt I'd said too much, or had embarassed myself. I think this may often be the case with Aspies and the fairer sex, you never quite know what to say. So, maybe it is the same for him, and he wants to talk to you, but doesn't want to appear too clingy or something like that, a misinterpretation of NT courtship rituals, if you ask me. Of course, that isn't the only possiblity, I''ve done this to people when they have offended me too, but that doesn't sound like what is going on here. Also, sometimes the drive for solitude can be quite powerful among us, so that needs to be taken account of. Best thing I can suggest is that you talk to him bluntly, but calmy about it, don't say anything that would hurt him, as he wouldn't understand why you would, but do tell him how it feels and why, simple, logical statements and offer simple solutions. I hope everything works out for the best

Agree with everything here, especially the comment on the (v. cool) avatar.

If I may suggest -- you're 18, are you going to university? Shetland's got an exceptionally low population density and as such you might find that dating in a very small community would be difficult for you. University is a whole different ba' game.

Good luck.

Heh, thanks for the avatar comments guys. Yeah, I am going to uni, problem is I'm going to UHI which is one those remote, video conferencing deals, I hear those are more popular in Scandinavia.