Friends with benefits?

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I'm looking for advice on how to approach the idea of a 'friends with benefits' situation with a friend.
I know he doesn't feel ready for a relationship, and TBH I don't feel ready for one either, having just split from a three year serious one. We have had drunken night together, but haven't really mentioned anything about it since. He's also an aspie, and doesn't talk about his emotions etc an awful lot. Also he's one of the shyest guys I know.

I'm just kinda looking for advice on how to approach him without scaring him off. It's not like if he said no I'd be heartbroken. Just because of past abuse, I need to feel like I know the person before I feel comfortable with them touching me. I've already reached this barrier with him. Plus he's very cute

i wouldnt mind one of thosee. but i dont even have any suitable candidates. there was a few years ago but i had no idea how he'd react so kept schtum. plus he liked me quite a lot so it may have been inappropraite
i imagine it's usually one of those things that develops naturally rather than from a serious discussion of the matter. which probably doesn't help us much. i dunno

Write him a letter, perhaps?

Also, be sure you want this - and wherever it might lead - before you embark on it.

Oh, and you is hot.

Last edited by Tequila on 31 Oct 2011, 5:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ask him how he feels about your drunken night and take it from there. Maybe suggest that you wouldn't mind if it happened again. I agree that it should progress naturally; just see how he reacts.

From my experience it can end bably but it's a good thing I have a great girlfreind in my life.

^This but maybe suggest next time sober

Invite him over, and watch the movie "friends with benefits" together

A friend of mine offered that to me recently.

Hello! Given your past abuse, I would consider all the ramifications of entering into such a liaison. Please allow me to raise the following concerns:

(1) Are you able to separate the emotional from the physical aspects of being intimate? In short, what is the likelihood that either you or he would become emotionally attached/involved (meaning wanting more than a fwb arrangement)?
(2) Are you still rebounding from your recent breakup? As a follow up to question #1, are you emotionally available in the event that either of you two might want to elevate to a try at a relationship?
(3) Is the short term benefits of being intimate in a fwb arrangement worth the potential long term risk of losing a worthwhile friend if either of you winds up wanting more?

I hope this helps. My sincere hope is that you weigh the potential risks and rewards very seriously so as to avoid potential emotional trauma for either of you!

Best of luck and please keep us posted!

Make it very clear to him that it's what you want and only engage with him if you're positively sure that you both have a very genuine and mutual understanding of your limits and what you both want from it. Personally I wouldn't advise it because as it has been said, It can end badly and it can ruin for a perfectly good friendship if you're not careful.

Was your friend dropping hints about becoming a friend with bennyfit?

I think so, the message is quite clear.

I reckon it should probably happen naturally... maybe suggest an open relationship? i guess its kinda the same thing as "friends with benefits" just sounds a bit more intimate... In my mind it would be weird discuss if it didnt just happen naturally over time... Discussing as in considering variables and the possible outcomes and whatnot... but if someone kinda just suggested it after a bit of chemistry then i would be all for it... And im sure most other guys younger guys would be as well... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Just an update to those interested-
I've not felt confident enough to just blurt it outright yet. I really want to, but I'm scared of scaring him away so am putting more time into the decision.
I am 90% over the guy from the previous relationship, as he betrayed me with one of my best mates. I think that's why I'm hurting, and I just cannot be bothered with all the drama and stress a relationship brings. Also going to have to work at trusting men yet again, as I don't want my next relationship to be hindered by jealousy. This hurting and distrust I class as the 10% that's not gone, as he''s still affecting new relationships.
I do not do one night stands. Therefore the only way to satisfy my physical needs would be regular sex from a person with no commitments. I would much rather do this with someone I already know and have the basis of trust/friendship (not sure the best word to describe it) than with someone I hardly knew. My option is try and find a new friendship, which can take months to develop, or try with this guy who I already like, know and find attractive. Obviously the latter is easier.

The guy on the receiving end is a lucky bastard.



See my first reply.

Have you thought about writing a letter or sending an e-mail or would that be too much for him? Also, what sort of person are you? If you do it in person he might find it a bit intense or be scared off? Just something to think about.

The more you wait and try to sugar coat it the more chances for failure there are. I say plan a meeting with him and have some small talk, avoiding talking about your ex, then tell him what youve told us here about not being for one night stands and wanting someone you trut for a physical need only.

Thanks for the update - because we are a family of sorts here - and family takes care of their own!

Here's my take:
(1) Your decision to say and do nothing until you are certain about your feelings is definitely the way to go. Not a one of us can take back things we have said or done without thinking. And we have to live with those consequences.
(2) Even though you are 90% over the betrayal of your ex - the 10% still lingers resulting in your still hurting and having trust issues. And that is to be expected given the trauma you have suffered.
(3) Does the 10% render you emotionally available to enter into a new relationship so that you can give a fair shot to the new guy? By emotionally available I mean, can you be objective and not automatically mistrust the new guy due to the past betrayal inflicted on you?
(4) My reason for asking questions #3 is that I think rebound relationships never work if you still have lingering emotions (can be positive or negative) left over from a previous relationship. I did a rebound relationship once in my life when I was in my 20s and I botched it up horribly. End of the day, I lost a great guy because I got involved romantically too soon when I was not over my ex!

Whatever you do - please weigh all your options carefully so as to take good care of you and your friend!

Please keep us posted!