"Being too nice"

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Since there are quite a few threads on the subject of "niceness" I thought I´d share my experience with a extremely "nice" classmate and how people acted around him.

A couple of years ago I switched schools. One of the first days there I met Joseph who was also a new guy there.

Joseph seemed cool, he was funny and he everyone seemed to like him.

For a while I believed this facade. I mean why would anyone pretend to like someone, right?.

Then I started being approached by classmates that didnt speak to me just so they could avoid him(one of them said theres no need to talk or anything I just want him to think we are talking and he wont interrupt us) and whenever I asked anyone to switch seats with me they told me to just take their seat but they didnt want to sit next to my partner(him).

So I did my bit of research and I got to know him a little better. It turned out that he was the possessive clingy kind of "nice" he would come with me when I went to the bathroom, he´d tell me who I could speak and who I couldnt speak to... but he still claimed he was just a misunderstood nice guy.

One day we were on the bus to a school trip and I was taking two spaces because I didnt feel like talking to anyone, he was sitting next to me with an empty seat behind him so I was a bit surprised when his"close friend" asked me if she could sit beside me.
What did he do?, he moved to the seat that was next to us and tried to eavesdrop what we were saying,Yet if you asked him he´d probably say that this event was just a reflection of how much females love bad guys.

Theres nothing wrong with being genuinely nice to others but this guy just wouldnt take a no for an answer and wuld b***h about you for ages if you refused to accept his help.

Exactly, sounds like a typical passive aggressive case who tries to use his niceness to manipulate others in the same way an abusive person would use hatred or spite to manipulate someone. Sounds to me as if he was very needy because he needed self approval from people and this put him in a vulnerable position, a position to be judged.

I think the difficulty with guys like him is that when they act "too nice", people distance themselves, and then he feels more of a need to cling because he is being ignored. It seems what he needs is for some girl (or even guy) to cling to him back as tightly as he does to others, so that not only does he feel sure he won't be ignored by her, he also has a chance to experience what it's like being around someone like himself.

It seems, from my limited experience, a lot of "character flaws" are like that--they prompt behavior in others that either directly reinforces the trait, or else leaves the person perplexed as to others' actions, which prompts the person to display the trait even more aggressively.

Interesting. I think I have this flaw.

I cant speak for your offline persona but if it does have this flaw you sure manage a way of compensating it online.

As far as I know you are a genuinely nice person but you know your boundaries and you do your best helping people here without expecting anything back.

Just so you have an idea this guy´s closest male friend was a social reject that failed every test had anger management issues(several pills each meal) and the only reason he was around him was because he thought that he had no one else to turn to(I made sure I showed him there were better people out there). I believe that your social outlet is better than that and I dont think that you try to manipulate those that dont want your advice into liking you(which was this guy´s way of making friendship with girls at school)

Ooo spongy! spongy!! what are you doing inside that cabin? spooongy? where are you?? spoooongy?

Hmm that reminds me of that little guy in the Madagascar movie.

Very funny.

I have no issues helping males as well when I see that they need some help(tried helping SadAspy for a while, tried helping every other member that has contacted me regardless of their sex).

As a matter of fact I´d offer you help but since you are getting so much help from your nt friends Im hoping that this means that you´ll eventually figure out what you are doing wrong and try to help us and therefore I wouldnt want to interfere with my awful advice.

awww spoongy is upset

awww spoongy is upset [/quote
Not upset. I just feel the need to explain myself when my motives are questioned.

If I was upset I´d have said that you just made a personal attack(because it was a personal attack) and sent you a warning for what you did.

Need a hug, spoongy? Don't be shy, I am a good hugger.

(and I did explain in the other thread why it was an unfair title, you're taking things too personal, however 'better than' doesn't mean that the other side completely sucks)

humm

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Poor guy, you don't know what he has been through. If he is always being rejected then of course he is going to be clingy when someone shows him some friendship.

guy is clearly a problem.

He is probably paranoid which may be why he was controlling.

You are right I dont know what he went through to end where he was.

I can however tell you that for a while I tried explaining him why most people avoided him... in an attempt to improve his situation by working on how to start a healthy relationship with him and he refused to listen to any sort of help so I dont feel sorry for him at the moment.

As far as I know he found someone that was able to put up with his character and he had a girlfriend last time I heard of him so he may have been doing some improvement by himself.

You're a rare chap.