How...?

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I am a guy, age 20s, with AS. I worked out in college that the best way to be accepted is to be nice; just plain and simple nice. It's relatively easy too, you can read about it in WikiHow and there are books about impression management (actually for the business marketing/PR world, but the skills are transferable).

The problem is, there seems to be a difference between being nice to befriend somebody, and being nice to romance somebody. For starters, in the latter portion it generally doesn't seem enough to just "be nice". I have no idea what the additional requirements are, or if "being nice" is even a necessary condition cos I've seen my friends hook up with jerks. Suffice to say I have no clue; not even a working hypothesis.

also, it would appear that when you have a strong friendship with a girl, you can't be with her romantically. I don't know why, and neither does the person who told me this rule. I only know it's a social rule that must be followed, although it would seem contradictory to the (admittedly self-reported) truism that most people in a relationship would declare their partner as their best friend. Clearly one of these statements must be wrong.

I'd like to find out about this, though I don't even know what the right questions are. Anybody (especially NT) help? If you are also autistic, do you have similar sentiments?

Well the first one's definitely wrong.

I have a best friend. He didn't become my best friend until one day, a few years ago, I got blazing mad at him because of some financial dealings that went awry. I was mad at him, and I had every right to be mad...

It turned out to be a test of our friendship, and we passed the test. We are best friends, and can get angry at one another if something pisses us off without the fear of our friendship ending. We can be honest with each other and tell it like it is.

None of this involves being nice. It does involve being a whole human being, one with personal boundaries intact.

Now that you mention it: yes, I reckon most of my closest friendships were achieved because we were forced in some way to suddenly become very close to each other, rather than slowly inching toward each other in the usual fashion. This can be a positive experience (I had to work with one of my best friends for long hours on an art project, where we discovered we both liked art) or a negative one (also got to know one of my best friends through a fight). Either way, we were flung into the same foxhole, as it were.

It's possible to walk into a room and be aware of who is single and who is not simply from the body language. Women who are not on the market are usually neutral. Women who are single, they react to your presence.

There's a spark of initial interest. Oh, somebody new.
Then you just sort of fade into the scenery.
It's possible to romance a good friend. Romance is unstable though, and if you break up the friendship is gone.

The key is flirting, and it's best done first thing if you're interested. Grins, quick conversations about anything, asking for her number, taking her out for dinner. This emphasizes the two of you, together. As opposed to simply being part of a group.



Autistic folk usually build a relationship on an online dating site. It's tricky sometimes to initiate in person.
Online, it's easier to overcome the inevitable rejections as well.

That's certainly true for me (except NOT on dating sites - hate them) but making the initial contact online creates all sorts of uncertainty about the "validity" of the relationship - why is this? How is it different from chatting someone up at the laundromat? If this is a good approach for us, we ought to understand how to make it work...

This is news to me...O.o

< I'm in a relationship with my best friend of over 3 years.

Life lesson time, junior: "being accepted" isn't the goal.

Getting ahead is the goal. Better yet, getting ahead big time is the goal. And you don't do that by being accepted. You do it by doing your own thing and bulldozing anyone who gets in your way.