Think it's finally settled.

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I think I've figured out my biggest reason now for abstaining from the dating world. It's always hovered in the background but it stayed illusive for a long time; mainly in that things always challenged this concept.

What is it? Even though I'm PDD-NOS, very high functioning, people can barely see it IRL unless my nervous systems under a lot of stress, I realize that - on a deeper level - I'm a stub of a person. There are so many 'agenda' behaviors that just don't exist in me. The whole other critical mass of needing to grapple with other people on the social level, even the private life issues of needing to create artfulness and complexity for seemingly at least to me its own sake - just isn't there. Essentially when I run into NT's, even when I run into other aspies half the time, I get that ominous feeling that what I'm able to front to people is a sham and that anyone who actually saw how much 'humanity' I'm missing would recoil in horror.

The reason why its been so deceptive - on an emotional level I'm very much a full person, possibly even to the opposite end; I might even have a fuller range than a lot of people. Also my NT friends and lots of other people I know are great at making me feel like they have those aspects of themselves on their outter limits, like it would fray and break down with them as well if they didn't have people pulling out of them what they have in terms of constant agenda. For me though, while I can bring 'some' of that out, for the most part I have to admit - I really feel like the physical gears needed for that just do not exist in my head and there's nothing for me to improve on, ie. its not that I lack any understanding of other people in this area or what they're up to, I just have no place to originate it from myself. Courtship, macking, hitting-on type behavior even moreso - when I've tried to draw that out of myself its like trying to draw water out of a rock and, obviously, its not something that I can explain to NT friends and family well, thankfully it seems like its sunk in reasonably well with my long term friends (thankfully I can keep those quite well) however family still kinda has their flare ups where they want to get into that "be yourself, but don't be yourself, but be yourself" kind of exchange.

I'm not sure if people here would say I'm being too hard on myself? IMO I'm not so sure that even factors in - if anything I really haven't had much luck with my own nervous system, I'm already at such a disadvantage on self-presentation, outward verility (not in a way thats behavioral either other than undertones of expression) that my pickings would be slim even if I had everything else together. With this I get the impression that I'm really hanging out at absolute zero. Miracles can happen but, I seem to have some kind of invisible force field around me that saves me from ever having to worry about them - have seen plenty of anti-miracles in my life though.

Don't get me wrong, this wasn't really a thread for advice but more along the lines about some things that are coming together with a bit more force, the dance of 'which is more salient than which?' seems to be sorting out a bit better and - for me at least - the more clarity I have, regardless of the outcome, the less my emotions tare at me. Figured I'd share it though because, like usual, I figure there are people who are here, have been here, or might have even been here but then found something else out that I haven't hit yet. Feel free to share your thoughts though.

Wow. SO MUCH WORD!

This is how I feel, also. It's as though I am, at best, an approximation to the other 99% of the world. But I do not take comfort in my own kind, that "comfort" thingie is missing.

Beautifully put, techstep. I swim in your words and smile.

It baffles my friends that I do not have more friends or even a significant other.