Aspie needs advice on finding someone

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This question is for the aspies who are in a relationship or have been in one. I've mentioned this in another post. I've had such bad luck with women my whole life. I can't seem to get past the asking out part. I've gotten rejected everytime and the answers vary little. Either they are with someone, or they aren't interested. Plus the fact that I am painfully shy doesn't help matters. And my self esteem isn't too high, but I try not to make it obvious. But I've been told that no matter what, women can tell if someone is confident or not. So I haven't been able to attract anyone. But through all these years I've never given up. I'm just worried that either I may never find someone, or by the time someone finds me, it won't even matter anymore. I feel the best thing I can do is settle, though I'm told that's not good either. But I've had to get used to compromise in my life. The kind of girl I want, from all the girls I've met, doesn't even exist. If someone can offer suggestions or opinions, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

You need to get a copy of "double your dating" by david de-angelo, next you need to go grab the venusian arts handbook.

Check out forums such as:

http://www.sosuave.net
http://mysterymethod.com/forum/index.php
http://www.stylelife.com/

The big thing is your shyness and self-esteem, all women can see you're low status male because you're trying to please women you aren't "you're own man", most likely you're trying too hard to be perfectionist in you interactions as well.

The venusian arts handbook is key though because it explains analytically whats going on in social interactions. DYD is good to get rid of the other mental things holding you back.

Last edited by Mordy on 31 Aug 2006, 4:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wow, that sounds very Darwinian, very law-of-the-jungle. I can completely see the point, though. I'll wait for a non-asperger female to post about whether or not they really can smell fear. But I think they can.



I'm not much help nor a success story, but I've only had good luck meeting people first, and then later getting into a relationship with them after I know them.

As for the kind of girl you want not existing, well... I doubt it. I've got some pretty picky criteria, and I know my type exist. Maybe find out where they hide out, and go there. I guess the problem is, it'd be a social setting (I suspect hitting on girls in the library while they're reading wouldn't come across well). But I assume there are social groups that can accept a little nerdiness or awkwardness - RPG groups, chess clubs, poetry groups, outdoors societies, political clubs, I dunno. Im am NO psychiatrist at all, but if you're not having success following the formal procedures for pair-bonding, maybe you should find another way that makes you feel more comfortable, so that there is less negative interference coming from shyness and expectation of rejection?

Do you have non-romantic female friends who you spend time with? I think that makes self-esteem improve. It did with me. If you can "be one of the girls" and get them to let you in on their secret criteria for what a guy should dress like and look like and all that, maybe that will help you in a few ways? I've known a few girls who loved playing dress-up with guy friends. And maybe familiarity can breed attraction. Maybe. I'm no success story so don't trust this too much. But if some girl is telling you you'll look more attractive in these other clothes and with this other hairdo, well, doesn't that improve your odds by a couple percent?

All I know is, being around girls I wasn't trying to "hook up with" seems to have made my fear subside over time. And I've personally done better avoiding the formal pair-bonding procedures.

The technique that worked for me is lowering my standards. I mean, really lowering, as far as I can. This worked out fairly well, and instead of getting a date once a year, I now get one every few months. People are people, and their looks are just a shell. Unfortunately, most NTs are so shallow, that they only for looks. I use that against them; I date girls whom most NT guys wouldn't give the time of day. In the end, I'm going to have a girlfirend. And no, I don't care about not being attracted to her. With my looks, I don't have a right to be picky.

I think you should find someone with compassion, tolerance and care.

NT Opinion Alert!

I can only relay the reasons why I visit this site. About 7 or 8 months ago, I fell for a guy I met online, hook, line and sinker, because of his mind. His online persona was larger than life and his intelligence reeled me in.

Fast forward: We set up a face to face meeting after a few months of online IM's and emails. I had actually hoped this would dampen any feelings I had for him. See (and I hate admitting to being so shallow here), had I met this Aspie first face to face, I probably never would have pursued the relationship. Mostly because of his peculular "obsessions" or Aspie traits I would not have known about. Plus, he is not of the mold of my usual suitors. But because of the many hours (and I mean many) that we had already spent getting to know each other online(and my learning about AS), my feelings only grew stronger after meeting him.

Moral of the story: IRL, the odds of us hooking up would be minimal. But because we met on a site of mutual interest, we were able to forge a bond, a very strong bond. I don't know where this bond is leading to.....I have hopes....it appears he has fears. But, I know there would be a huge void in my life it he were not in it.

To Be Continued......
SheDevil

(I'll let you know when I know

Solution:

Date your friends.

Any kind of meaningful relationship is contingent on preexisting friendship.


I know that having aspergers makes it very difficult to find and keep friends (I've had none at all for about 2/3 of my life, and have never had a girlfriend)... but if you do find people tolerant of your eccentricities and a solid friendship is there, it isn't unreasonable to think that a relationship may be built from that base.


If you attempt to "pick up" anyone you might get sex out of it, but don't count on any kind of real relationship.

I look good, I think even you would think I look good, though I guess you're a heterosexual male. But I'm an aspie, and then good looks won't help. I have had to lower my standards as well. If I had been an NT man, I probably could have dated model girls. Many girls that only have seen pictures of me over the internet think I'm very handsome. But I'm an aspie and condemned...

Hmmm....now this is an attitude that will be conveyed. If you come across as feeling condemned, you are...by your own thoughts.

SheDevil

Just my .02 cents ... I noticed online Aspies guys are overly upfront about wanting sex, probably because they are sexually deprived. Nothing wrong with wanting some, but guys it will scare an awful lot of women away if you are so upfront about that being your main intention.

Also be careful with your hygiene as I've noticed autie and aspies guys somethings have problems realizing this. Clean, combed and styled hair, shaved faces and no body odor will keep you from scaring off girls. I often encounter a autie guy in my neighborhood probably lower on the spectrum who explits vulgarities and belches loudly in front of girls then laughs about it. This does not attract the female species. I think this guy has autie-radar and senses I am on the spectrum so he seems to act out a lot more around me.

Perhaps it would be best for guys to read some of the "how to be a gentlemen" books. You need help with realizing good manners and hygiene and at the same time you need to read up on what is now called " the nice guy syndrome". I know this sounds like double talk but guys unfortunately have to be clean, yet look a little rebel looking and be nice yet not too nice in order to get most girls. I think it also helps you nerdy guys to go to places where nerdy girls show up like sci-fi conventions, renaissance festivals, hobbies clubs, etc.

There's something, about hygiene. It's kind of not the thing I'd want to admit without being anonymous, but as a kid I had severe problems with that. Got picked on a lot because I didn't wash my hair enough, and so on.

Even today, though my hygiene is a routine now, I don't actually keep track, but I think I probably never look in a mirror after the morning. Or if I do, I don't do it consciously at all. I never check over my appearance. Might comb my hair once in the afternoon, sometimes, but no more all day.

Is this normal for Aspergers, or more of a lack of social training thing?

Anyway, I bet it's true, more concentration on that would help. I think part of my problem is, quite frankly, I'm a slob. If only I could get excited enough about it to do something.

Well I think its sort of a guy thing, but just worse among Aspie guys. I don't stare at the mirror all day either. But doing once in the morning combing and daily cleaning is always a good way to start. There other things guys can do hygienically that help, but as overly blunt as I am I can't bring myself to discuss it here. Other than its something I've noticed and heard other girls mention.

All I can do is offer what I've learned from my own experience.

I am female, married to a shy introverted man with low self esteem, who has some aspie traits but not to the degree that I do.

We met during the first few days of college and were friends first. Only for about a month before I emailed him and asked if he wanted to do anything without the other two guys that formed our little group, but we spent a ton of time together in that month and got to know each other really well.

I don't think it's so much that you should settle, but that maybe you should at least think about letting go of some of your expectations. What sort of girl is it that you're looking for? It could be that there are some quite nice girls who would like you and fit with you well, but you're overlooking them because they're not supermodels or whatever.

Essentially, I agree with gsilver. The best relationships come from and are built on a basis of friendship.

I take things like personal hygiene, grooming, fashion and manners to an extreme, as a result I come off as a very nice pleasant guy, if not too serious or humorless.

My aspie husband isn't to high on hygiene, he showers every day because I insist on it, but I also have to make sure that he is wearing clean clothes as well because he won't think about putting clean clothes on except his undies. he will quite happily wear the same shirt and trousers that he wore two or more days in a row. So I insist on a shower and clean clothes every day.
Woman also like men to be thoughtful, ie when traveling on a bus my husband lets me sit on the inner seat. When we first met he offered to buy me a cup of tea and asked if i was ok standing when we were talking, he listened to what I was saying and tried hard to keep on the same subject. Something he finds very hard to do.
Also remember about personal space, woman don't like to feel crowded by a guy this makes them feel threatened, stand close enough that if you put your hand out to touch her arm yourarm from elbow down would be straight out, if you have to raise it then your too close. If you are standing with a group then this doesn't apply. Don't be overly chatty and listen to what she has to say. If she makes a joke and your not sure if it was then ask. talk to her as you would want to be spoken to, with respect.
Something else someone mentioned about your expectations, if you wait for miss perfect, then I have bad news, they don't exist, all relationships need to be worked at because we are all different, we may find someone very close to our ideal mate, but we won't ever find the perfect one, so give other girls a try, build friendships and let them surprise you.

I've never had a problem "picking up" or whatever, though never actively sought it, in the past I simply acted out the NT guy perfectly, granted recently when I'm being myself they don't hang around as long, but it means I dont end up unhappy and wondering why I'm not satisfied with a beautiful woman.

I don't think you have to "downgrade" what you hope for in a person, just know what you need, if you dont "need" anything from a person than you have nothing to lose! I think its most about seeing it realistically, sometimes the freaky, geeky, girls attract me the most. Sometimes in the past I'd build up this real courageous persona to pick up the gorgeous girls, until I started seeing beyond what I've been told is good looking, and found beauty all over the place...

Friendships (to me) are simply people that talk to me, that I see again, because a lot of them never come back or whatever, sex kinda just happens for me, but I do think about it every day. I just kinda throw that drive into the music unless someone is around hahah.

I think you just gotta 1- not feel like you're inferior or lesser cause you don't have a partner. and 2- dont "try" to be confident, BE confident, you have nothing to lose, you are unique.