she wants kids, me not so much

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I know I haven't been here in awhile, but I've been thankfully busy... was in tech school for 4 months, am working 50 hrs+ a week again, and I met an amazing woman who's absorbed much of my time aswell.

I met my dream girl about 6-7 weeks ago. She is beautiful, turns me on like no woman has.... She is educated like me, has a good job and earns good money, is very into fitness like myself, and is not a drinker like me. I would marry this woman in a heartbeat. Our only big difference is, she wants a family and I'm ambivelant at best on the notion. I love this woman, and at this point would do almost anything to make her happy ( I never thought I would feel this way aboit any woman, ever). Fwiw, my own mother told me once that kids "were not for you" and didn't suit my personality and likes/dislikes. Of course I have been diagnosed with aspergers at 18... and my sole brother has pretty moderate/severe autism (he's 30 and lives in a long term home for adults with autism). So, I have been told that genetically, my kids have a high chance of autism. Having a kid with autism would be too much to deal with I think... that's the long and short of it. I do not want to lose this woman, but am also scared about what may happen to me if we have kids, and the prospect that she may become a very different person aswell. I never thought that I would find a woman I cared about this much, who I was this attracted to, who loved me back aswell. All that being said, I have also been told that it's too early to tell if this woman is truly right for me... we have after all known each other only a month and a half.

I guess the issue has come up, and while I have not disclosed my own AS (my social awkwardness has been toned down A LOT in the past year), we have talked about kids. She does want them, and I have just told her I would be open to it with the right person (not ruling it out completely).

Thoughts?

Awesome.



It's extra work. Lots of people do it.

If you're concerned about the work, make this concrete in your mind. Because it could be a dealbreaker for this woman.
If you're concerned about genetics, consider adoption.
Apparently you turned out okay though, so maybe your kids will be fine too.

For most women, having children is right up there with having sex and driving a car.

way too soon man. but congratulations nonetheless

I think a lot of people enjoy being parents more than they thought they would.

I've known of very few people with children, who, in their old age, regretted having children.

No offense, but how can you be considering marriage to a woman who you haven't even informed about your Autism yet?

If you consider your Autism such a big part of you as to prevent you from considering parenthood (dunno why- you could always adopt) it would seem it'd warrant a first date mention.

Agreed.

Yes, I am probably jumping the gun here, but this is a consideration I would like to take, even if it has only been this long. I just met here parents yesterday, and it is serious for how long it's been. I have been told I'm crazy to be thinking like I am... many guys have said you need to know a woman for 2-3 years before you consider marriage. I'm not sure if this is entirely correct. Anyways, she knows about my brother's autism, if she knew anything about it maybe she could extrapolate that I'm carrying the gene. No I haven't mentioned AS, I don't see the point at this stage. If things are going well, I don't really want to "flag" myself... when the time is right I guess?

This relationship has been a pretty serious investment. She and I live in different cities, 2 1/2 hours apart. That means we only see each other on weekends, and we spend a lot on gas, and I have been wining/dining/flowering her to the max (part of the reason for my success with her). So it's been expensive too. I guess I don't want to rock the boat at this point, and am seeing things through rose-colored glasses.

next time you see her you should tell her as it will get harder with time and not easier. if you are thinking marriage, she should know so that she can go into it with eyes open.

I'm very confused right now. This woman is the love of my life... everything I want in a woman. Only difference is she wants kids. I'm trying to decide if I should stay with her even if I am undecided about things. This is really racking my brain and my soul. Maybe I should tell her that I have AS, and having kids with me carries a high chance of autism? This would be truthful, and maybe she will want to end things if she knows this?

Space, on the one hand, you have only been dating her for about two months. It is possible that you are still in the infatuation phase. On the other hand, at some point in your relationship you are going to have to talk with her about these things. (Exactly when, I do not know, but probably within the first six months.) When that occurs, you should tell her what you have told us. Specifically, I recommend mentioning the following three things (in this order). (1) You love her. She is unlike any woman you have ever met before. (2) You have Asperger's syndrome (AS). (You may need to explain what AS is.) Although the exact cause of AS is unknown, it is highly likely that there is significant genetic component to it. (3) Because of this, there is an increased risk that any children you father could have AS/ autism, and so you have never wanted children.

You can then discuss your relationship, how important having children are to her, etc. Please keep in mind that there are "compromises" such as adoption and artificial insemination using donated sperm.

However things go, I hope they work out for the best for the two of you.