Really wanting a life partner?

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So I was listening to a discussion with Tony Attwood. And he said while many aspies in there teens and 20s may thing they want a relationship but then they'll realize that, that's not right for them. So they'll end up being fulfilled by there special interests, career. More intellectual fulfillment out of life.

What do you guys think? It seems that particularly in this forum, many people are pretty desperate and disappointed that they can't find a partner. Do you think you could put aside this wanting for more intellectual pursuit in life?

Even my psych told me that instead of finding a romantic relationship, I might find a "friend" who's like a soul-mate when I went around telling her that I thought finding someone that gets me just might be impossible.

For me personally, I know I still have social needs, more then most aspies. Probably along the lower end of moderate on NT scale. But does this mean I still need a life partner. I really don't know? I'd guess in the long run, probably but then I have to consider the possibility that I might never have one. NT's can have there false reassurance and say, "you'll find someone". But I think its more rather of a 50/50 chance whereas an NT might have a higher chance. I'm sure if I don't end up with one, I'll learn to live with it. But I do know that currently at the stage I am at, I am not ready to have a successful relationship. Doesn't mean I will never be ready, perhaps in a year or 2 I'll be ready. I was more thinking of what a lot of us maybe thinking, "is there someone out there for me?"

Even if they don't need life partners, most of them would still need sex.


Most NTs start dating at very young age without even knowing whether they need just a fling or a long-term partner or anything else (and some just start for sex and later for another thing), they just start dating and go with the flow......

The more exposure to relationships/dating they get, the more they explore, understand what they really want and need (and what they like and not like in the opposite sex) : they "relationship-wise" grow ----> That's the normal and the healthy course of relationship-maturity growth, a growth that a lot of us here are deprived of it.


The problem with aspie incels that they can't know what they want and need if they don't start at something, their problem usually remains at the pre-starting point, and they reach adult ages while they're like that ---> no-growth.

And some incel aspies *suddenly* at 30s or 40s want to seek marriage --> the beginning of an abnormal course.

I personally cannot know whether I just need a long-term partner or just casual encounters, all what I know that I lack something but I need to start from somewhere in order to find out what it is.

Additional problem is, most girls around my age would already have known what they want, and that create potential conflicts.

Personally, I find myself stuck between wondering how on earth I could manage to attract another person and the idea that I might not find someone I find interesting enough to be with.

As for a lack of relationship experience, I'm not going to give that too much thought. Whoever I get romantically involved with will have to be someone willing to communicate their needs clearly to me. I know this will rule out a large percentage of potential mates, but I'm not willing to be with someone who won't tolerate my difficulties.

Finding fulfilling intellectual pursuits is something I'm going to be doing anyway in the meantime, regardless of whether I find a partner. Luckily for me, most women I meet find my company agreeable even thought they aren't attracted to me, so I'm not too worried about a lack of a woman in my life in the long term.

I'll admit to being a little disappointed I can't find anyone compatible, but it's not the end of the world.

There is some solace in being able to write books and spend a lot of time reading and studying the things that interest me.

And I'm starting to come to grips with the idea that the women I attract are inevitably going to be the ones I could never have any interest in. It sucks, but that's reality.

The relationships I've been in up till now have given me a solid perspective on what it is I want and (probably more importantly) what it is I DON'T want. And there just doesn't seem to be anyone out there who isn't a "don't want."

The problem with being on older aspie is being too old for the young and too young for the old.
While still remember when I dated a 20 year old aspie and work mates she is far too young.
I have had a dated an with 39 year old mother with kids (one teenager) polor oppersite of my
spectrum and they said that she was more compatible.

LexF It is supprising how trying to find somone compatible is mistaken for being too picky.
I assume it is the case for you also. I received a text from somone who is polor opposite
it isn't hardly worth replying.

Never say never. You might find someone who gets you and will be flexible enough in the relationship to not have to need that normal relationship crap that people do in it.

I honestly started to think that I wasn't fit for a relationship so I was giving up for a while and then I met my husband and things clicked. Sometimes when you are just meeting men to hang out with and have fun for something you both have in common with, one of them happens to be your future husband. All I had to do was stop looking.

Both right. You shouldn't rely on luck cos you need to improve the stats, and just letting it happen if it happens, can be the same approach. You need opportunities, meet friends of friends, work dos, cookery/language courses, etc. etc. But that doesn't mean you have to be looking, you can see relax and see what happens. 30/40s is still young to hook up with someone for life.

Personally I would imagine disclosing Aspergers early might sometimes help some women/men - if they were an NT. Any thoughts?

I would guess NTs need to be quite rational and confident people, that might help. Once an NT 'gets' the different way of thinking, difference is cool and Aspies are hot (in my opinion straightforward, rational, honest, open, self-aware, abile to accept new ideas, interest in different cultures/viewpoints, evidence based) + anything else lovely that you are.

Before an NT 'gets it', some of the places your mind goes, can be misinterpreted as bluntness and rudeness, because what seems a logical comment to you, can seem weird or 'loaded' with other meaning. When you 'get it' the ultra honesty its actually endearing. Its refreshing for an NT to know that they can trust that honesty. (e.g if the dress looks wrong, it looks wrong, theres no pussyfooting about with sweetening pills)

You learn what you want by... talking to a lot of people who want you.

Most people are dating through college. You're behind in the game. You want enough experience to make some sort of long term decision.

I was a 'late bloomer' in the sense that it wasn't until my mid teens that I started to be interested in girls and around 19/20 that I felt ready for a 'proper' romantic relationship. I wasn't interested in sleeping around or anything; I just hadn't acquired the social experience for romantic stuff and I was still getting used to thinking like an adult at that point.

Some people feel fulfilled with a romantic relationship; others find the 'missing piece' in their life from their careers or hobbies...that's my theory, anyway. I don't really think ASD is necessarily a determining factor in that or not TBH. Being able to articulate your feelings to another person and connect with them is more difficult than it would usually be for NT people I suppose, but the question of whether there's an underlying desire to form a relationship is, to me at least, a separate issue to that.

I'm sure I want to settle down as much as my NT peers, but my ability to articulate those feelings and put them into practice when the situation demands it is the only significant difference. If anything, I'm probably more inclined to choose a long-term relationship over 'instant gratification' than most other guys of my age, but I still haven't worked out what the root cause of that is.

tl;dr version: you're ready if and when you're ready for it. My personal opinion is that your brain type isn't the only deciding factor in what you want. Best of luck, whatever you decide!

You're a woman, so you actually have it pretty easy.

Are you around single guys, in person? Just flirt a little. Longer eye contact and friendly smiles is sometimes enough.
Some might ask for your number, and call to chat the next week. And it goes from there.

If you can't find singles that way, open an online dating account. Look at the sorts of people who message you.