Should I Try Again?

Post Reply New Topic

Im an aspie girl, I have been in many relationships with NT guys but im never been able to love them. Then i became friends with this Aspie guy.
The other week i confessed to him how i feel. I actually for the 2nd time in my life am really feeling real love. Anyways this guy turned me down. he explained why and all. He said he gave me a chance though, but I didnt know he gave me a chance. I told my best friend of 13 years who is also an aspie guy this and he called me an idiot.
Thing is i really love this guy, n as much as i try, i cant get the guy off my mind. I told my best NT girl friend that I was going to fight for him and she told me to go for it, but when i told my aspie bestie he asked me "in what way did he reject you" I answered this. he didnt give me an answer. I Just really wanna know if i should try again. like wait a few weeks and try again.

this guy lets call him J. told me im not compatible enough to be with him. like he groups people in % of compatibility. he said im in the 25% compatible not enough to consider dating. He says its cause im an aspie, 2 genetic defunct shouldnt be together. in other words he wants a partner he can hopefully have children with... I have a son already. to an NT Father (my ex) who has turned out quite okay at the moment.
He also says im not the type of girl who can keep his other side at bay. makes me think of a lion tamer.....
He did say if in a given 10 years time he n i were both single n have changed, preferably I had grown up a bit. when im out of my comfort zone, i tend to act really childlike i cant help it.
But i know i can act more grown up, i know this because i have worked in Governmemt jobs where i have needed to and i am able to act grown up around my friends.

I really want this guy to give me another chance, I want to make over, feel free strut my stuff and show this guy i am worth his time and can make a top gf.
but i dont know if its the right thing to do.
Should I try again? Should i ask him for another chance to prove i can be what he wants in a gf, cause i really can be independent, and not clingy n totally argh.
And if i should, how should i go about trying to ask him for another chance?

hes very paranoid, but for me loving anyone is rare. Im not ready to give up just yet.
I know i am going to give him some time apart from him and I. I just really want to try and see how things work out but for this to happen i need him to at least try.

Absolutely not, he has said you're not good enough and that you're not compatible for a relationship. Chasing after him or showing signs of desperation will only push the ball into his court even more, don't sell yourself short. He has not only insulted you but he's insulted who you are by stating that you're incapable of having healthy children simply because you have AS and by him telling you that you could be together in the future is basically a way of putting you on the back burner whilst he dates other girls. It was wrong of him to make those claims but he is right, you need to respect his choice and move on.

If genetics is his priority, you might be out of luck. Unless you can get his mind off procreating and onto bonding with your son. But if I were in your place, I'd look elsewhere. You got rejected, and you probably know how hard it can be to change the mind of an aspie who has made a decision on something.
If his priority isn't genetics but behavior, maybe you can just show him you're an adult. But not in a "look ma, no hands" kind of way, just by being responsible and grown up. And also throwing in whatever other behaviors he might be attracted to. But wouldn't that be a form of pretending to be someone else? Can you really keep that up in a relationship without going crazy?
I don't know what you're like, and I don't know what he's like, so it's really hard to guess what might attract him to you, but if he's not that into you, chances are he won't be unless you become someone else, and that's seldom a good idea in the long run. If he says you're not compatible, for whatever reason, perhaps you're not.

Also he sounds like a bit of a douche. Probably not worth your time.

Thanks.

Thanks i like your reply a lot better than wolfheart's down there. not so much of a "being shot with a machine gun" type of feeling =)
Thank you.
Like i know he thinks im fun... hes the ex party boy type which does yes drive me insane... im not even sure why i am in love with him to begin with...
argh i wish i could figure my own aspie head out sometimes. itsa maze that i dont even know the path too.

Ugh. I must say I don't like his "genetic incompatibility" excuse. I sure don't see Aspies as some sort of genetic defects and I'm sorry if he does.

In practice, some Aspies function better in relationships with NTs and some function better with other Aspies. It's all individual. (I'm better in relationships- be it friendship or love, with the NTs, but selected groups of NTs).

But if he's not interested in you and if he doesn't want to date you, then chasing after him will bring nothing. You will invest your time, emotions and energy and you will be hurt. I've learned the hard way you can't make people love you even if you love them and even if you dedicate every moment of your life to make them love you. It just doesn't work.

So in order not to hurt yourself, you should forget about this guy. A guy who is interested will be different. When a guy is interested, you won't have a problem like this one.

Just think about it: do you really want to be with someone you need to chase and "persuade" to be with you? No, it's better to find someone who truly wants to be with you.

It's tricky stuff, certainly, but if you think about it rationally you might find it easier to set your feelings for this guy aside and look for other people who share the traits you're attracted to but who are more compatible with you and who respect and like you for who you are. Seeing as how you developed feelings for this aspie guy while having trouble feeling as strongly about NT's, this might possibly be a sign that you are simply more attracted to aspie traits. Which makes sense, some people are attracted to what they can relate to (nothing wrong with that, it's just personal preference). If this is the case, then this might tell you approximately what your type is and what you might want to look for. That's not to say rule out the alternatives, whatever happens happens, but there are lots of people walking around, some would say too many, and too many of them are lonely, some of whom might be exactly the type you're attracted to, some of whom would enjoy your company and appreciate you for who you are and wouldn't dream of wishing you were different. Given that, is there any reason at all to bother with this one dude who's looking for something else when there are so many lonely people out there looking for you but who are too socially awkward and afraid of rejection to say anything?
Just a tought.

An excellent reply, someone else who sees this for what it actually is without naivety or emotional bias.

Actually, I'm speaking from personal experience. I've been hurt so much many times. But not just my experience confirms this. These things don't work. You can't make anybody love you.

I think the movies and media and romantic comedies and what not make people think "fighting for your love" is a good thing. It IS, in a way of taking care of your loved one and making your relationship work. But you can't persuade anybody to like you or to love you.

And you SHOULDN'T. There will always be people who like you without any effort on your side.

Well said.

Deconstruct is right. n if i was actually using my head n not my heart i should have seen this before i even wrote it.
my head and heart never agree on anything.....

Really? no effort at all?

Ahh, she's a girl...


ok...

O.o

yep. its hard for me too, but we gotta learn to use both

Yes, its too bad were not born with instruction manuals for self use to navigate the head and heart and know which one to listen to... tsk tsk... lol

Don't take her word at face value, there's always a required effort in everything.