Guys are too clingy - why can't they amuse themselves?

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I have a problem that I have noticed since HS. Whenever I start dating a guy he suddenly wants to spend every waking moment with me. I can't STAND that. I have trouble mustering the ability to stand to be intimately around ANYONE for more than 3 days in a row. Every time I get into a relationship the guy starts acting overcommitted and trying to be involved in lots of parts of my life, and I DO NOT want that.

Basically, all I want out of a relationship is someone I can care for and have monogomous sex with. I don't understand why people have to act like conjoined twins when they go out - I don't even want to sleep (literally speaking) with anyone!

Why is it so hard to find someone who can just amuse themselves and leave me alone once in a while?

This is just a theory but perhaps such people (that end up dating you) feel anxiety when they are not in your presence?

I have that problem too

That's the default behavior among most humans.

You either have to stand that or to set the rules at the very beginning.

I don't think it's necessarily your fault. I doubt it's gender-specific either; I've heard a few men say they think their girlfriends are too clingy so it certainly happens to a lot of people at some time or another. I've never experienced it personally, but I hope I can be of some help to you.

I dunno. It could happen for a lot of reasons. Insecurity could be a good reason; a person is so afraid of losing their partner they try to stay near them too much. It could be the result of someone being on their own for so long they want to be with their significant other for as much time as possible to compensate.

If you're experiencing this with *new* boyfriends, my best guess is that you're still getting to know each other and still finding out the 'optimum' durations for 'together' or 'apart' that you're both comfortable with. I would really value someone's company and physical proximity, but I know I'd also want time to myself to do my own thing (how could I appreciate the benefits of being with someone unless I'm occasionally reminded of what being alone feels like?! )

Everyone has their own 'optimum' proportion of 'together time' and it seems to differ from individual to individual. I think of it as the time equivalent of personal space: it's comforting to know someone's nearby, but when they're too close you feel uncomfortable. I suppose you've had a run of being with people whose 'together time' tolerance is significantly higher than yours. I know it's tough to put into practice sometimes, but gently setting out your issue with clinginess early on in the relationship will save you both hassle in the long run.

"I DO care about you, but I like time to myself too..." might be a good place to start. Arranging dates and stuff in advance might help serve up time together in more manageable doses.

I know I'm clingy (and I'm a girl), so it's not a gender thing.

I've noticed that I act less clingy when I'm sure about my relationship and when I know that the person cares about me.

It's not gender specific, I'm a male version of you (StonedMoonie).

I agree with Concretebadger...

I don't know why people can't just deal with one another as consumer goods. all this 'relationship' stuff seems like a waste of time.

I want a person who doesn't get annoyed when I decide not to answer his calls. I'm not your damn mother, s**t; get a life.

they do. it's called prostitution.

it definitely isn't just men who are clingy. i am extremely clingy, myself.

I want prostitution on a barter system, which is legal, as opposed to cash payments, which are not (in most places).

I guess I really don't want a 'relationship' because I just don't give a crap about that mother-duck imprinting stuff. I don't want a 'soul-mate', that sounds terrifying. I want a friend who I can form a stable sexual and financial arrangement with. Romance is BS.

Ok, I'm no longer a male version of you..

I'm not hostile to the soul mate idea, and I don't turn my back completely on romance. However, my 'soul mate' would respect my need for 'relationship rest' periods, and my dislike of phone calls. And not want to move-in together, which is terrifying to me.

I wouldn't have a problem living with someone, as long as they left me alone and I had my own bed. In my view marriage is an economic arrangement, and romantic considerations should be secondary (the failure to realise this is one reason Western marriages are in shambles).

My home is my 'me' sanctuary. I get deeply uncomfortable having company, I've always declined to host for my dates.. Yup, it's that sacred to me..
I would only consider living together with someone after years of dating.. so far that hasn't happened. I would want my own personal bedroom though..

I totally agree that marriage is (or was) an economic arrangement, and romantic considerations should be secondary. It was shown in Anthropology class that societies where marriage is an economic contract divorce rates are very low, like traditional India, whilst western marriages were romantic/emotional motives prevail, marriage rarely lasts more than six years (or in the case of celebrities, marriage lasts only a few months).

Ok then.. I'm a slightly different male version of you..

i think in those societies, divorce can lead to social shunning by family and friends, and partners often do not have the economic means to leave. basically they are stuck due to lack of resources and also social pressures. also, i don't think that staying together necessarily means more happiness over the long term.

people do have marriages of convenience in our society but i don't see those being particularly successful either.

It seems like you're romanticizing non-western marriages. The situation is not how it might seem at a first glance. Historically, arranged marriages and marriages made for reasons other than love worked... In some cases. And failed (though they rarely ended in a divorce) in other cases. Just like marriages made on the basis of love sometimes work, and sometimes they don't. But you can't say that one form is better than another. Just find what suits your personal needs.

Have you thought about simply asking for a fuck-buddy instead of a boyfriend when dating?