what do i do? girls any info for this guy? (me)

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i met this girl in high school and spent the summer holidays hanging out with her, and quickly fell in love(17 and already my heart was broken 5 times from long term relationships, so im not too naive about relationships) and we had two dates that ended with a slow dance and cuddling, but later she said she is afraid she would be a bad girlfriend because she spends too much time focused on her studies and would just screw up anyway, we are going off to collage next year, and i dont want to lose her (odd thing to say,you have to gain something to lose it). what do i do, she is the fire in my heart.

edit...btw i forgot to mention somthing extremely important, i go to a school that has a 95% aspergian student body and has about every boy after her(no joke, we have 20 girls and 230 boys at our school), so thats another reason, she doesn't want alot of the boys being negative towards me, and she doesn't want to deal with the jealousy, so she purposely acts ignorant of anything relationship related except when we are outside of school and even there im teetering on her turning on that ignorance thing.( she has had 5 years of acting). so that doesnt help me at all.

Last edited by coolfurriedude on 29 Nov 2011, 10:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hey, tell her that she won't mess it up, you know she can do it. Tell her you really like her and really want it to work out. If she's hesitating really strongly, just hint that if y'all never try you will never find out if it would have worked.

If she continues on about her limitations, tell her that you understand that, but that you love her for her, everything about her, and that you think she's perfect for you (if you truly think that; do NOT lie to her).

Good luck!

Could you clarify what she stated as her reason for reticence about dating?

I don't understand the phrase. Is there a typo needing correction? (Too learning disabled? Too focused only on studies?)

You might consider looking elsewhere for romantic companionship.

The odds do not seem to be in your favor where you are at.

if i cared about odds i would'nt even be trying. i need tips. lets pretend it will be the end of the world if this doesnt work. k?

This is a common feeling amongst high-school-aged children.

There are thousands of single women out there. Some are a better match than others, but most are friendly and nice, and reasonably intelligent. Each one of them will eventually pair up with a guy. Which one you get is not so important, as the fact that you get one.

i said pretend, im a reasonable guy, i know when to stop, but pretending there is a life threating urgency helps me think, i thought it would just help you guys. i know the world wont end, just me for about 2-3 months, then my brain will force me to recover, and i will move on. but that is NOT ideal,

Okay. Tell her that you're going to start dating again, and she's your first choice.

By putting it in the context of dating, it clarifies matters of friendship to romantic interest, or simply just friendship.

are your collages far apart? distance doesnt help at all..

if they arent too far apart, i'd tell her that the only way she could fail is if she didnt even try at all. tell her you care deeply about her, and that you want to see where your relationship will take the two of you.

it could be that she isnt interested in being with you long term. this very well might be the case, and she is just using excuses to stay out of a relationship with you. if this is the case hopefully you'll learn this bit of information very soon, but you might just have to directly ask her since you're both aspies and were not very good at picking up on things of this nature XD.

dont fret though! if shes not interested in you, theres still PLENTY of girls out there who will be if you just be yourself and do your best every day. i know you think 'shes the one for me', but in reality theres MANY 'girls of your dreams', you just havent met them yet. many of them will be interested in you! the tough part is finding them, but they are certainly out there .

dont dwell on things that arent going to work out. its a waste of time. i spent like 5 years of my life (im only 23), waiting around for girls who honestly probably werent even that interested in me, or certainly not as interested in me as they made me believe. i waited and waited, and felt terrible every day, and depressed all the time, and it did me absolutely NO good whatsoever. i dont even know how many girls i could have talked to, and possibly gone out with if i hadnt been moping around all the time, looking depressed everywhere i went (when i decided to leave the house XD).

being sad because someone doesnt like you the way you like them is futile. its wasted emotion. sounds like im being super harsh, but think about it logically: yes! it does suck, but you gotta move on. dwelling on a relationship that is only 1 sided (you like her but she doesnt like you) wont help you in the slightest, it will only bring you down and kill your chances of being with other girls who could very well be as good (OR BETTER) of a fit than she was. the faster you can get over things like this the better. it takes time, but the quicker the better.

i'd just ask her. be direct and say something like 'give me all the reasons you dont want to be with me because "i think i'd be a bad girlfriend" isnt a good reason because i believe we could make it work, even if i only get to see you once and awhile. is it because you dont like me the same way i like you, and that you'd rather be friends?"

Thanks for the elaboration. Now I understand what you're saying.

OK, this tells me that she's not nearly as crazy for you as you are for her. The reason? No woman in love cares about what the other 229 guys think and if she were crazy for you she'd assume you're capable of handling the heat from the guys.


Here's your insight and here's your place....anywhere away from the other 229 guys. Take the initiative and capitalize on your insight. You know her, so you must have some insight into places she'd like to go. Botanical garden; historic mansion; fishing at the lake; figure skating, hamburger joint, classical concert, poetry slam...? Where does she want to go? What places are more interesting to her than studying? Think about that and ask her out with you...outside the hearing of the other 229. Let it be your mutual secret. And don't dare tell me you can't drive or any other excuse; cause if you do, then you're no better than the other 229 and just forget about her. This is about making things happen and if you don't have the imagination and drive to make things happen; forget about her.


That's OK, let her. And once you get her outside school; it wouldn't hurt for you to turn on the ignorance of relationship act, yourself. Allow her to simply enjoy being with you at an interesting place without you drooling over her or pressuring her with anything close to:


I know you wrote that as a joke, but honestly, in order to stand a chance with this girl you will need to be as unlike the other desperate 229 as possible. Be her cool breath of fresh air. Just you and her away from the sweaty, heavy breathing, possessive, jealous throng of the 229.

You take her out, but in all other respects, let her come to you. Barely touch her. Nothing more than a gentle hand on her from time to time. Wait until she starts touching you. Again, other than taking her out, let her come to you. Don't ask her any questions about your relationship. Let this woman breathe and just be with you.

thanks for the insight.

Sounds like she friend-zoned you.

You're welcome.

Just one more thing, about being attractive: when you are with her, allow yourself to enjoy her in the moment. Enjoy hearing her voice and seeing her move. Don't always be thinking of your next statement. Listen, enjoy and react in the moment. Nothing's more attractive than a man who truly enjoys a woman's presence.