What is romance? (How to show affection)

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I'm in a relationship since several years back. We live together. (I'm female btw.)
It's not that I don't know what romance is. I just don't know how to do it myself.
My fiance always says that I'm so unromantic, that I never show that I love him. That I never take initiative.
It's nothing I really think of. So for me it's really hard.

I love him to death, and I say it often. Even that is hard though, and I don't know why?

Because of my diagnosis, I don't quite like touch that much. Not just so. Like he just comes and grabs me somewhere. That I really dislike. Guess it's the suprise I don't like.
I'm almost never "in the mood" for sex, which almost makes it a duty.. And I don't want it to be like that. (We're trying to become pregnant aswell, so the lack of sexual interest is.. maybe not the best. )

Am I alone with feeling like this, having these problems in a relationship?
He is NT btw. Or well, he has ADHD. So "almost" NT.


Edit: Updated the topic, since it might not be clear what I actually meant.)

He suggested to google for "teen guideance for relationships".. and hm, I don't know. I'm 28. Not a teen any longer. And I think it's rather different. His thought was to find a guide for young people, how to behave with a partner etc. But it's for NT's, and I'm not..

Well in all actuality it is something that is different for everybody. But to be a bit more technical, generally romance is a feeling of excitement you get and the mystery associated with love. I understand where you are coming from though as I generally lack in the romanticism department. For some people it seems that they need a lot of touchy feely affection and for others like myself we're just fine with little to no physical contact. I wouldn't stress yourself too much about it unless you've had a history of "major" difficulty showing affection.
But you definitely not alone with these feelings.

SOME people are fine with all the physical stuff and may even act like they don't need it when they are the ones who bring it into the relationship and then want that without emotional closeness, which is a challenge.

As for me, I didn't think I would like it, and at first it was a challenge, but when I trust+have attraction for someone, I can usually be ok with it.

Hopefully, your significant other will be flexible with that, because that can be a problem if they aren't. But it seems like if you can work out all the other issues of being in a relationship...you should be able to work on this.

True, but there is usually much more to that than just the issue of "emotional closeness" imo. For the OP, communication will be key in determining what works equally well for both partners.

Just tell him that some people show romance differently to others, and your way isn't as obvious as what he might expect. As Trigas already said, it's something that drastically differs between individuals.

In my opinion, if there are issues with emotional closeness (for whatever reason) then there will be problems with the physical closeness.
And it seems like they would have good communication after knowing each other for awhile, so it shouldn't be an issue.

It's nice to hear I'm not alone.

Thankfully me and my fiance talk alot. Maybe more then NT's tend to do. We have no secrets from eachother, for both good and bad, I guess. There will therefor never be any real big suprises. Something he says he misses a bit. Suprise as in he comes home from work and I'm dressed up or something.
Which for me is hard. I lack initiative. To do things on my own accord is reaaally hard. It can take me ages to get to the point to live an idea out.

I actually don't know how to touch him. In a way he might appriciate it. It always turns out to be very stiff movements and akward.

We talked alot last night, and decided it's easier to pick a day together to be a bit more romantic on. Like for example cock something nice together, candles on the table, watch a nice movie afterwards. Ofc he would like the day to end in bed, where I think it's not really necesarry. For me it's just nice to feel loved. It doesn't even have to be close physically. Where he has a big need of closeness..

I seem to also lack the need of sex. Maybe that's also related to being too much feelings involved? It's close, it's alot of feelings on the skin etc. And it's very tiresome for me in a way. It's draining energy.

He said he might take a look in this forum and see if he could get some ideas of how to approach me, learn how I work a bit better. And I think there was a subforum for NT's, if I'm not mistaken. If so I'll push him towards there.

Thanks alot!

Well, touching is pretty fundamental to an intimate relationship. Grabs, sex, hugs, massages - that sort of thing releases oxytocin, the neurotransmitter for bonding that tells us biologically that we're close to someone. Some people don't have the urge to seek this out and can do without, but if you're not one of those it'll feel like you're only getting half of a real relationship... and if you are and discover them anyway, you'll start to get where they were coming from. In fact, oxytocin releases are one of the closest things autistic people get to bridging the social gap to NT-type social closeness... which is nice, 'cause it reduces the major drawbacks of our conditions without suppressing the advantages.

'Course, to respond positively to such intimacy, you have to want it first. A lack of present oxytocin and serotonin are generally what keeps people from appreciating being touched by someone they do have that kind of relationship with. You could write a big list of all the little tendencies that such an adjustment to your mood would stimulate and try to fake it, but... the more elegant and enjoyable approach is probably to stimulate them for real.

Autistic people don't instinctively do many of the things that create 'closeness' reactions and release serotonin and oxytocin, but we're not immune to their effects - it's just that we don't really know how to get the engine running. What helped me a lot in relationships and being nice in general was taking daily L-Tryptophan food supplements - this is an essential nutrient that's supposed to be in our daily diets anyway, that our bodies need to make serotonin. Consuming more of it means you have more serotonin, which in turn stimulates friendly/intimate social interaction and gets the oxytocin cycle going as well. The stuff really helped me appreciate people, in general, and nigh-automatically makes you act nicer to them in return.

Should be legal in most western countries, available in health/vitamin stores, and usually comes in ~400 milligram capsules. 100-200 milligrams daily was enough for a tangible change over time for me, so I open the capsules up and mix part of their contents in a drink. It's bitter, get cola or coffee or something else designed to cover up the taste of caffeine. It initially makes some people sleepy, but the other effects last much longer, fading over the course of a day or two; you may have to experiment with the right time of day for taking it.

Good inputs!

Yeah, he does say that it feels like half a relationships sometimes.. I have days when I'm more autistic and don't want to be close at all almost.
I can't lie, so he would see imidiatly if I didn't enjoy his touches. Some people fake the whole sex, with fake orgasm and everything. Can't do that. I can't put up a play like that.

In the very beginning of our relationship I was the oposite. Then I wanted to be very close, all the time. But after a time it wore of and I got back to being "me" again.
For a few years I had a hard time when he hugged me. That is much better now. After I got my diagnosis (wich I got 2 years in on our relationship), I understood why I didn't want to be hugged. So we talked about it and I got it on my accords, which made it much easier. And now I can handle him suddenly hugging me aswell. It does get a bit annoying when it's long hugs, but I tell him then, and I don't think he takes it the wrong way. He does know why, after all.

Phew, it's alot of emotion with this. Things I've kept inside me for so long, not knowing how to handle, or even express. Maybe I should let him even read this thread.

Can't hurt to let him read this. There's always a kind of earnesty in asking anonymous advice from complete strangers that's difficult to match in one-on-ones with someone close to you, although you may already have less trouble with that than most people do.

That makes sense. A fresh relationship is one big rush of serotonin and oxytocin, the one trigger they have that we can't easily block by failing to respond 'right'. Relationship upkeep is tougher, even for NT people, and will rarely match that initial intensity no matter how well you do it... but if you open up to these things right, you should be able to end up somewhere in the middle.

The important thing is that 'beginning of your relationship you' isn't some distinct entity that is lost to you now after some mystical change; it is you, just with different values on one or two mood variables that are still very much within your ability to influence.

I had a phase a lot like you in my current long term relationship, where the freshness of the relationship was wearing off and being intimate stopped seeming that important. My girlfriend understood this well enough, but you can't keep those signs from being interpreted on some instinctive level as rejection just by understanding the reason. Understanding serves as damage limitation, certainly, but the fact is that the relationship really had cooled down at that point - and even if it wasn't being threatened further, that's regrettable in its own right.

My girlfriend and I are party people though, and have a custom of semi-regularly taking MDMA together, a drug that very closely imitates the rush of being freshly in love. These occasional days of intense closeness have a therapeutic effect, reminding me that there really was something of great value to be gained - a legitimate and enjoyable state of mind in which giving doesn't cost you emotional energy, but immediately creates more of it for both of you - that I lost track of in sobriety. I happened upon L-Tryptophan by chance, as a health-precaution to recover from the emotional exhaustion caused by taking real drugs, but it turned out to be an effective and sustainable way of adding a little bit of that romantic quality back into my every-day life.

maybe you could try cuddling more often. eventually i think you might be used to his touch, and ready to go further, and be more eager to do so. this is where i'd start if i was you