lover of mine doesn't think aspergers is a real thing

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So I met this guy over a year ago, and we've been in a noncommittal sexual relationship off and on since then. It has been off and on because he's a nomad and I live in one city. He has gotten frustrated with me many times because I don't understand things the same way as other people do (i just barely figured out that I have aspergers) and because I am clueless about how to behave in social situations and I don't understand how to do things that are easy for other people. I want him to understand that I do those above things because it's not my fault that my brain functions differently than most people. I told him that I think I have aspergers, and he said that doctors put labels on characteristics just so they can make money off medication, and that I have control over my brain and I could function just as well as everyone else if I wanted to. That really upsets me, I want him to understand why I seem less capable than other people and understand that it's not my fault, but he might be stuck in his opinion. Any advice? What should I say to him? I don't know when or if I'll see him again. He supposedly loves me.

He's a "nomad"--that's interesting. How does he make a living?

He thinks like most neurotypical people who are ignorant as far as Asperger's is concerned. All it takes, to be a great social being, is WILLPOWER.

I think a certain amount of willpower is essential for any person, Aspergian or not. However, willpower doesn't have to mean conformity. Also: people in general don't respond well to somebody who tries to change them. Or to somebody who doesn't seek to understand them.

Maybe you should tell him it ain't that wise to be a "nomad" in this day and age. That he should settle down. I don't think he'd react too well to that advice.

Have you thought about getting a more formal assessment, to see whether you could be diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder? (Asperger's, alas, is no longer included in present-day diagnosis in the US). I could understand it if cost prevents you from pursuing this formal assessment.

I am having the same troubles with my noncommittal sexual partner.

He too does not understand my autism. He gets frustrated because I am not getting better. He lines up jobs for me that I've told him I can't do.

".... and that I have control over my brain and I could function just as well as everyone else if I wanted to. "

He's probably not going to change his view anytime soon. But does it matter? It's a casual relationship, right?

I have some examples for him:

If I can't swim as fast as Michael Phelps, does that mean all I have to do is decide to change it, because I have control over my brain, and my brain has control over my body?

If I can't paint like Rembrandt, given that painting comes from the brain, does that mean all I have to do is choose to control my brain until I can paint like Rembrandt?

Processing issues within in the brain are every bit as real as these differences.

It doesn't matter if he cares for the label, but he DOES need to accept that unique individuals come with unique gifts and burdens, unique talents and abilities, and unique challenges. Reading social cues is your unique challenge, not one of your gifts. It is absolutely NOT as simple as you having control over your brain and, thus, choosing to change it. If it had been, I could have talked my son out of every issue he had; I'm a pretty good cheerleader. But, yeah, no.

His attitude may be similar to an attitude that seems to be taught by some of these (IMHO) wacko self-help groups. When you have someone with ability who just talks themselves out of things, the viewpoint can help that person improve their own life. But, too often, it seems to just turn people into self-centered twits who excuse their lack of teamwork with and acceptance of others by claiming the slights are those people's "choices." If that is what he's like, I'd have little patience for him. I haven't found myself able to persuade those people to see others in a more compassionate light; their viewpoint is an easy way to get away with, in the end, being self-absorbed and self-centered, IMHO.

Not to say that believing you control your brain and your destiny is a always a bad thing; after all, WILL is a powerful thing. Just, well, there is a limit to that that some people refuse to see.

I think my approach with him would be to see if he can accept that you find it more productive and rewarding to focus on your talents, and have accepted that some things will always be hard for you, and that it is OK for your life to be that way. Can he accept that from you, to allow you to be who you are, or would he insist you have to meet his image of who he thinks you "can" be?

I think i can see from his perspective that he doesn't want to enable you in to believing your are not capable of doing certain things because of Aspergers. I do get the impression that the way you communicate with him may be giving him the idea that you want to act as if you are looking to excuse certain behaviours of yours.

However, as DW has seemingly indicated, he still has to do his best in communicating with you and trying to understand where you come from. That is also something you will need to do for him as well.

If he loves you, he should accept your Aspergers or try to learn about it. It will help him in the long run with you.

Just out of curiosity, why is no one bringing up that this was a self diagnosis? Unless you get professionally tested you can't say for certainty if you are on the spectrum and asking to be treated as if you are is misleading to others. The issues you experience may be due to a number of other under- or unmedicated mental illnesses that are well within the OPs ability to control.