I did it!

Post Reply New Topic

After two years of nervousness and stress, I finally managed to the girl I like that I like her! In a somewhat indirect fashion... and after my very last exam too, so literally my last chance until late February.

I came to the conclusion that I would not succeed in actually asking her out myself, so I wrote a love letter telling her how much I like her and wrote my email address. According to my teachers, I am a good writer, and so therefore I am pretty much a better writer than speaker (should have included that in the letter...) I think I did it pretty well overall, and I worked especially hard on my handwriting (and I am naturally a good speller). I also wrote that "if I do not receive anything, I understand." In case she is too embarrassed to email me saying she is not interested. I actually found out her email address from a piece of paper being handed around my English class we were writing our addresses on so that our teacher could email us revision material (he never did) but I think just sending her a spontaneous email would be kind of creepy.

After the exam, I began panicking a bit because I could not find her, eventually I saw her walking parallel to me over a courtyard, she saw me and turned back again and went behind a building, I turned around and went around the other side. We both walked towards each other on the other side. She saw me, hesitated, then smiled and kept walking, looking me in the eyes. I stared at the ground, thrust out the letter towards her and mumbled "Thisisfrryoo." She said "thank you" in a voice that made my heart melt (which I answered with an inaudible grunt), before I staggered around a corner trying not to collapse. I saw her later, sitting down, reading the letter, before I went and hid around a corner again.

If this proves anything, I could not have approached her normally, because I think that if I was that nervous just giving her the letter and trying to say "this is for you", I don't know how I could say "Do you want to go for a walk in the park with me after school?"

Now I am nervously waiting to see if I get any messages... But I feel so much better now, yet very stressed. Normally the two are totally seperate.

Sorry for making this thread, I just HAD to tell someone (none of my friends were in this exam).

I hate to be the bringer of bad news and one who destroys hopes and dreams, and I don't want to sound pompous, but I can tell you, as someone who used to think and act as you are doing up until the beginning of this year, that you are going about things the wrong way.

The first problem is you telling her that you like her. This is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. Even if she shows signs that she likes you, YOU DON'T DO IT! By telling her that you like her without there being a well-established relationship prior, what you're doing is surrendering your power to her and now she knows she has control over your thoughts and feelings - a very bad position to be in. She knows that you would be willing to suck up to her regardless of what she does. If she didn't have feelings for you in the first place, then she may start avoiding you.

Worse yet, you wrote her a note telling her that you like her instead of flat out telling her. In some rare instances, maybe a woman would think that's sweet and all, but most women are not attracted to guys who just go and hide behind corners or feel the need to communicate via letters when they are perfectly capable of communicating face-to-face.

I can't tell you what the outcome of this will be, but I'm not going to lie - it most likely won't be good. I don't know the girl in question and I know every girl is different, but most women would run away from any guy who makes such a move.

Once again, I hate to bring you more stress and worry because I know you went through a lot just getting that feeling off your shoulders, and then reading this may have ruined your night, but this is something you definitely need to know now and in the future.

I wish you the best of luck.

Last edited by MacDragard on 27 Nov 2011, 10:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

good for you!

I have considered these possibilities, and have come to the conclusion that, at worst, at least I will feel better about myself about having at least TRIED to start something with her, even if she is nothing like what I expect, it would be better than having memories of having failed to do anything at all (after I finish school it is unlikely we will ever see each other again... unless things go well).

I am not much of a risk-taker, and one could say this is my big attempt at turning things around in life. I have had an unusually positive attitude lately, and I did not want to ruin that over another holiday. Maybe it will stay.

As to the slight chances it could go well, this girl is really one-of-a-kind as far as I can see. She is much nicer and much shyer than just about everybody I have met, she seems abnormally well organised in her schoolwork and very smart, and I get the impression she is more likely to be manipulated than to manipulate. I could very well be wrong, since I do not know her well (acquaintances I would say), but in entirely positive ways she is different from pretty much every other girl I have ever met. She appears to be basically a female version of me in a large variety of ways, and I am willing to take a risk on her - if not her, who else? I am aware that little of what I have said here is confirmed, but everybody says you need to take risks, and here I am taking a risk, and for a change, with a very positive attitude.



Thanks!

I'm happy for what you did. I cannot speak so much for today, but there was a time when expressing your feelings would've been regarded as romantic, the sort of story a mother tells her daughter decades later. I'm sure Shakespeare would be reported as a stalker for his sonnets by today's BS standards.

I hope she appreciates the letter for what it is. If not...don't change for her, as you can clearly do better. The law of large numbers is in your favor that there is someone out there who will appreciate your kind gesture.

MacDragard is right.

dont get me wrong! its super good you did something at all, and took a chance. thats a good start. the problem is, this move doesnt exactly say 'im super confident', which is what most women gravitate towards, i'd say (correct me if im wrong girlies ). your attitude has to be 'im the best around, but im not arrogant. im interested in you, but i wont tell you, my actions will speak for me. its fine if you dont reciprocate because theres other fish in the sea.'

if you have that attitude about you, your potential for making things work goes up tenfold.

this being said, i really hope your letter works out for you i'd be awesome if it did, and something came of it.

if it doesnt work, i STRONGLY ADVISE you go the 'confidence route' in your future endeavors.

Well done for conquering your nerves, OP, and do let us know what happens. Hopefully she says yes!

Asking a girl, "Do you want to go out with me?" has got to be one of the scariest things a boy will ever do. The good news is that if she says "Yes", then you're a couple there and then and the worry is all over, but taking that first step is terrifying. The more nervous you are, the more awkward you become around the girl, so the attitude of "my actions will speak for me" doesn't work because they will convey your anxiety and not your true feelings for her. Additionally, where I come from the boy HAS to do the asking. If he doesn't ask her out, he won't get a girlfriend. It is very rare for a girl to ask out a boy.

Great man! Congrats!

i think it was very brave
good luck(:

I agree with most of this, but the one thing that sticks out to me is not telling the girl that you like her.

If you ask her out conventionally, isn't she gonna think that you like her anyway? Hardly anybody would ask somebody out if they didn't like them. Or are you advocating that he just gets to know her and then let things progress that way (which usually doesn't work since one or the other side will assume that they're in the friend zone, and it never gets anywhere)?

What I'm advocating is that he shouldn't flat out tell her that he likes her. Otherwise, things could backfire. In this circumstance, it's troubling because they barely even know each other. If he really wants to go out with her, he should just ask her out and then stay in control. Yes, a woman will know if you like her or not. Telling her just comes off as desperate.

I still don't see how asking her out doesn't also come off as telling her you like her, but what do I know?

This is a really good example from David D:

Once upon a time, there was a man who was very
attracted to a particular woman.

At first, she was just another attractive
woman... but the more he got to know her, the more
he began to feel attracted to her... and the more
time he spent with her, the more that attraction
grew into a deep emotional attachment and
affection for her.

But, there was one problem.

As his emotional attachment grew stronger and
stronger, he also grew more and more insecure.

Why?

Because he couldn't tell whether or not she
felt the same way towards him.

Sometimes, she would say things like, "You are
so important to me" and "I'm glad that you're in
my life"... but nothing ever progressed past the
"friendship" stage.

There was an occasional hug, an occasional kiss
on the cheek from her... and once, she even held
his hand for a long time while he talked about an
emotional issue.

But, something was wrong with the picture.

She just wasn't acting like a woman that was
"falling in love". She was acting like a friend.

The insecurity that he felt became a spiral
that amplified itself... and the more insecure he
became, the more afraid he grew of "screwing
things up" by kissing her or asking her to be his
girlfriend.

Plus, the more insecure he became, the less
time she seemed to want to spend with him.

After spending many days and nights obsessing
over this girl, the man finally arrived at the
conclusion that, if she only knew how HE FELT, she
would feel the same way.

So, he made a bold move.

He TOLD HER how he felt.

He confessed that he was in love and that he
would do anything to be with her.

She looked at him with compassion in her eyes
and said, "Thank you... I really mean that... but
I don't want to mess up our friendship... you're
too important to me...."

This only confused the man more.

He didn't know how to take it...

Did it mean that she really loved him too, but
that she was afraid of something?

Did it mean that she wasn't ready for a long
term relationship?

Did it mean that she didn't love him, but that
she was trying to give him a hint?

Did it mean that he hadn't tried hard enough?

Did it mean that he needed to put everything
on the line and REALLY let her know how he felt?

He finally decided that he couldn't go on like
this anymore... he had to be with her.

He had to make sure that she knew just how
much he wanted to be with her... so, he took a
big step - He bought her a symbolic gift and
wrote her a long, long letter... again
confessing his feelings.

And then, the unthinkable happened.

She didn't reply.

He called her three times a day for almost a
week before reaching her.

She made an excuse about being very busy and
said, "I'll try to give you a call soon, I have
to go"... and hung up...

But... he never got a call back.

Over the following months the man tried
desperately to understand what went wrong... and
what happened.

THE END

THE "INSTANT EWWW"

I'm always fascinated by the idea that we
humans don't always understand the message that
we're communicating to others...

So often we think that just because we WANT to
communicate a message, that others are going to
NATURALLY understand what we're trying to say.

Have you ever seen a guy in a foreign car that
has wheels on it that cost more than the car
itself... with his stereo blasting... and a
muffler that somehow AMPLIFIES the raw sound of
the 4-cylinder motor...?

Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don't
think that car is communicating the message to
women that he thinks it is"...?

Yeah, I have too.

Well here's the deal:

If you do something to "let a woman know how
you feel"... but she isn't ATTRACTED to you, then
it IS going to backfire.

It's going to trigger a feeling that I like to
call the "Instant Ewww".

The "Instant Ewww" is just as powerful as the
physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.

Once a woman feels it, YOU'RE DONE.

It's over.

It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the
coffin.

Once a woman feels the "Instant Ewww", she will
start behaving differently. In short, she'll
disappear.

So where did I get the concept of the "Instant
Ewww"?

I got it from WOMEN.

I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the
word "Ewww" when describing how they felt about a
guy that was "confessing his love"... Of course,
these were guys that weren't loved in return.

So, what causes the "Instant Ewww"?

And why would a woman feel it towards a man
who was trying to be nice... a guy who was giving
her a gift or telling her how he feels?

Because if you think about it from HER
perspective, you'll realize that the moment you
do something to "confess", you have created a
TURNING POINT in the relationship.

Up until that point, you were harmless.

I mean, women always know how men feel.

She already knew you wanted her.

She knew it from the beginning.

But now that you've started pursuing her and
talking about how you feel, you've created a
NEGATIVE TENSION that is VERY uncomfortable.

You've triggered an emotion that is repulsive
to women. And it does repel them.

In summary...

You can't "make a woman like you" or "change
how she feels about you" by doing nice things for
her...

Doing "nice" things for a woman who isn't
attracted to you HURTS you. It backfires. Worse,
it creates the "Instant Ewww" feeling that makes
it so she'll NEVER like you.

Men make this mistake over and over again in
life because they're doing what MAKES SENSE to
them. They're doing it because they don't have an
understanding of ATTRACTION.

I mean, if you have a friend, and you like
them, and you want to make them like you more...
and you do some nice things for them, they will
probably like you more.

On the other hand...

If you have a woman that you "like" in a
romantic way and she doesn't "feel it" for you,
and you do something nice for her because you want
HER to like you more, it will BACKFIRE... and she
will not only NOT like you more, she will most
likely distance herself from you.

Guys think that they need to communicate when
they like a woman... as if that's part of the
necessary process of getting a girl.

In their minds, it goes like this:

Like her -> Tell her you like her -> She likes
you.

Well remember... if you follow this pattern
yourself with women who aren't ATTRACTED to you,
then it's going to BACKFIRE.

If she's not into you, then it goes like THIS:

She thinks of you as a friend -> You tell her
you like her -> She gets the "Instant Ewwws" and
never wants to be around you again...

I'm not going to quote that massive post...

But if a girl WAS into you, even if neither of you were particularly close, surely she would respond quite positively to a confession of feelings? My ideal method so far (this is the first time I have asked a girl out by the way) is to appear romantic, in the hope that my object of interest responds in a similar vein. I looked up the urban definition of a 'hopeless romantic' and it describes me basically.

In any case, it has been a day and a half and she has not replied, not looking good... Unless something strange has happened with her ability to email, I doubt she is interested. You are probably right.

I'll wait until tomorrow evening before deciding it is official... Although I know I'll still have ridiculous hopes of strange possibilities throughout the rest of the holidays.

I still feel better about myself though.

Congrats on doing something difficult for any man, no matter his confidence level. I want to agree and disagree on one point though, writing a letter/note is, well not like it used to be. As said prior, it was very romanticized and the method to share feelings, etc. Not so much now, doesn't always work well, but what it does do is start you on that path to as you mentioned, feeling better, which will in turn build your confidence.

If it doesn't work out, not everything does, though I do wish you the best of luck. However, writing that letter is a great stepping stone towards being the guy who can non-nonchalantly ask out the girl he likes. Just keep it up

Major kudos, OP- that took enormous courage, I'm sure.
Don't listen to people who try to bring you down here-
those who view dating in terms of "surrendering power" don't have the healthiest views of human interaction.

I also agree with your teachers that you're a great writer.