Relationship Advice Community Helpdesk :D

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i'd like to try to help people out if they have specific relationship questions. i like to think im pretty knowledgeable about such things. i havent exactly dated too much, but ive CERTAINLY done the research and familiarized myself thoroughly in the area.

this being said, ideally this would be a COMMUNITY effort

iuno maybe this thread could last and help some people. post if you'd like

No questions for the moment, but +1 for the effort.

Do you think it is normal for an intelligent man to know what woman he wants only after talking to her a few times on a dating website. Is there a catch, is it a setup, etc.?

Hey, cool! I always need help, and I'm glad you're an aspie guy. I do wonder, though, if your research is in *our* realm, or about the weird NT's we don't understand.... or both?

I read somewhere that AS men will often put forth effort into a relationship, and then pull back from time to time. In my case of friendship that *appeared* to be going somewhere, could this be because he is disinterested, turned-off, pre-occupied with his special hobbies / family, etc., or actually anxious about the nature of the relationship, and unsure how to proceed? I can understand my good friend well, when he verbally communicates, but I can not *read* him well. I've been afraid that if I confess that I have feelings for him, it will scare him off and ruin a good friendship, but since he's been seeming to act differently with me lately, I'm wondering if he's starting to feel the same way and because of the AS and his lack of experience, is feeling clueless and confused. If he's just disinterested, how do I find out what I did to turn him off?

Nutshell version of what I'm trying to figure out: it seems that sometimes what appears to be someone being a jerk is really the awkwardness of AS coming out. This has happened in other ways in the past, so I don't just want to write him off without being my usual patient self. I need him to communicate with me, but I'm not sure how to get him to without prying or making him feel further uncomfortable. He's generally very open, but lately..... things are different and I'm sad.

Thanks for your reply, if you feel you can contribute anything to this! I realize all aspies are slightly different in their struggles.

~E.

ok so.. im not 100% sure this is what you are asking, so let me re-word your question then give you an answer to what i think you are asking.

"do you think it is normal for a smart guy to know whether or not he wants to be with a specific girl after only talking a few times on a dating website"

my answer is: i think the initial talking is pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things. first impressions are great, and all, but some people cant really express themselves to strangers, especially not some sort of '5 minutes of talking *crosses fingers* PLZ LIKE ME!'. after talking for a bit the guy will probably decide if he wants to meet you in person or not (this applies to dating people near you, i wouldnt ever recommend to ANYONE long distance relationships because the vast majority, like 99% of the time, they DO NOT WORK). its good for getting an initial 'feel' for the person you are talking to, but expecting someone will be able to know whether or not will date you will depend upon the person. some people are pretty fickle and shallow and unforgiving or whatever, and if you dont impress them 100% immediately they'll blow you off. others will understand how unreasonable of a setting it is to try to basically convince someone of your worth in such a short amount of time via messages, and will save judgement and decide after you've conversed much more.

this being said, if you are giving people red flags, its pretty widely accepted to massively hurt your chances of being with MOST guys. these would include: seeming incredibly clingy, seeming especially promiscuous towards people you dont really know (i had a girl from a dating website tell me that shes sexually flirty with her guy friends, and she tells every guy she meets if they get 'blue balls' because of her to tell her and she'll 'help them out'). so yea.. theres some things that you can say that will basically nuke your chances for the majority of guys out there.

if this is not what you were asking, however, please re-word your question super blandly and straight-forward (aspies have trouble with grammar, at least i sure do XD), and i'll be sure to answer it

well.. a lot of it is universal. i havent done aspie-specific dating research, but i think a lot of my knowledge still applies, and i feel im pretty wise, or certainly wise-enough to want to help people with the true belief that i might have something to offer
first off all, you didnt say you were a guy or a girl. im assuming you are a girl, so dont be mad or whatever if i assumed wrong! XD

ok so.. you like a guy with AS, and you arent sure if he really likes you because hes given you mixed signals, and being mean.

im very sure there are things to say to 'probe his interest' so to speak, but stay 'safe' in terms of harming the relationship. its more difficult because he has asperger's, however, because he likely wouldnt pick up on social nuances like hinting you are interested or hinting you want him to let you know if he is interested, etc. its best to be direct, and straight forward because beating around the bush doesnt help.

this being said, im not exactly sure what you should say to accomplish both of your goals (finding out if hes interested in you as more than a friend, and not potentially hurting your relationship). you might need to do some further research on the matter via GOOGLE (google knows EVERYTHING! lols). or wait here for other members to help you.

that, or you could weigh your friendship versus the potential of losing it for potentially making your friendship something more, like being his girlfriend. if you feel its worth it (i'd only do this if further research or advices dont come soon enough to your liking), you could make it very straightforward and just confess to him to see if he reciprocates the feelings.

that, or you could try to give those social ques that he HOPEFULLY will pick up on (but dont bombard him with them, as this is probably not the best idea). something like 'what do you look for in a girlfriend?' is probably straight forward enough to let him know you are interested in what he looks for, and that you are hoping you live up to his expectations / criteria.

hopefully this helps. anyone else have some advice for her?

Clarification: YES, I am a girl, sorry, it's in my profile, but I suppose was not too obvious in my post. I am also in the process of receiving the AS diagnosis, so I do understand my friend and get your point about him missing subtleties.

But no, he's not mean, just being aloof now. If I phoned him up, he'd talk with me, for a long duration; but the fact of the matter is, he's stopped initiating so much. I don't want to be pesky.

have you considered backing off and talking to him less than you usually would to see his reaction? its more manipulative, but it would certainly have an effect, helping you gauge his interest. if you 'cool off' and his response is to try to 'warm up' then hes probably into you. this being said, if you 'cool off' he might think you've lost interest, so you gotta make it clear (somehow) that you are simply not wanting to put more effort into the relationship than he is.

iuno, surely someone else will be able to help more than i seem to be with your situation :X

anyone? advice for the lady? XD

EXACTLY!! !! So, I have backed off, I told myself I will not contact him til I hear from him next (text, phone, whatever)... but you are right in that I realize he may be doing the same thing, and could be thinking the same thing, and since I know he takes things personally (as do I), he may actually very well think I want nothing to do with him. He seems to gravitate to people who give him more attention, and I'm not going to manipulate the situation and force him to talk to me. If there is something there, it will eventually come out. I will probably have a chance...we are supposed to meet up next week. I'll play it by ear, thanks for trying to help!

I find myself attracted to confused looking women, what do you think is behind this?

no problem hope i helped out some

good luck!maybe you wish to be the person to un-confuse them, and make everything clear, like YOU are the way out of their state of confusion, or something along those lines.

I agree, as a female, but as someone who is also attracted to confusion: not only is it *cute* (in a good way!), but you as a male (and depending on your personality type) will be naturally attracted to appearances of innocence and vulnerability, etc. Also, if you yourself tend to get that way (as I do), it only makes sense that you would be attracted to someone like yourself. Seeing someone confused gives them a more *human* quality, contrary to the general confidence with which we see most NT's exhibit. It makes us feel more at ease and gives us a sense in which we may be needed.

I've never heard anyone say that before, but you're right, I'm the same way! Sorry, tronist, if I stole your thunder-- I couldn't pass that one up!

~E.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Sorry, it's REALLY hard for me to verbalize emotions. If I wrote a research paper it'd be a different story.

Okay, anyways, he is in med school. He is only a little older than me, so that's good. He said it's hard for him to find people since he has to constantly study. I can understand that. He lives about five states away though!


We always text and everything. The other day we talked for five hours. Something tells me he isn't far from being on the spectrum, otherwise he's just that smart that I can't even tell the difference (if that makes sense). His vocabulary is huge, which is intimidating; however, he does screw up on grammar once in a while (woohoo!).


I get what you mean by "and if you dont impress them 100% immediately they'll blow you off." We both were nervous when we skyped, but I don't know.... We had only a few awkward pauses, but it wasn't anything horrible.

i'd be especially cautious of long distance relationships. the chances of them actually working out and having someone actually MOVE to be where you are, or having you move to be with them and them being OK with it are pretty small. if i wasnt able to readily move my location i wouldnt dare engage in these types of relationships, especially when you could try to find and start a relationship with someone NEAR you that could actually hold you and be with you and kiss you more consistently.

so yea.. if you arent able to move, i would NOT pursue this. i know its hard to hear because you like the attention he is giving you, but i promise its almost always not going to work. not only that, the duration from when you first me him to when you were able to meet in person after you moving is MUCH longer than if you were to look for someone who lives near you, and try to date them. then! theres also problems that come into you having to move (like moving away from all of your family, and friends in your area), and moving to see someone who could eventually not even be the right person for you, or might not be what you expected.

if you want to find someone i'd try dating websites and search locally. you'll have much better luck there i'd imagine. although you will need to be cautious because theres def some weird people on dating websites. so dont give out information like your address, phone number, workplace, etc. till you actually KNOW this person a bit and know they arent a creeper. lolz.

steal my thunder? naww i couldnt have said it better myself this is spot on.

Thanks! I need to decide if I want to follow my heart or my brain.... YIKES. You're right though, I could end up moving to where he lives and find out that he isn't the one. I have to think logically about it and know that that could happen in my hometown as well (wasting time and money into something that will end). This happened to me here too.

His dedication to education is really attractive. I can't find this in many guys around my city despite signing up to a dating website that matched me with people similar to me. Ugh. I hate being alone, which makes it way worse.