Yoyoing commitment

Post Reply New Topic

So... I've been in a relationship for 5 months with my boyfriend, and I should probably mention this is my first relationship and I'm 26 years old. Things have been a whirlwind of issues for me while he doesn't think there are any problems. The problem is when something small happens It sticks with me for the whole day or until the next time I hear from or see him. Whenever something like this happens, I'm overcome with anxiety and I constantly reevaluate whether or not he values our relationship (I'm always thinking he doesn't), and then the next day I go to his place and I become content again.

We had a problem at 3 months where he broke up with me because I was constantly asking him if he wanted to be in this relationship and I had tried to break up with him on a weekly basis because I was convinced being alone would make me happier but every time I did I couldn't get him out of my head and I would ask him to take me back. Things have been better largely because I've stopped vocalizing my relationship concerns and I've stopped spontaneously breaking up with him because of fleeting moments of insecurity but I'm worried these feelings will never go away and the anxiety drives me crazy. Personally I enjoyed being alone because it meant stability and I could avoid the anxiety that comes with being in a social environment/relationship. I want to know how others cope with this. The idea of a lifetime of commitment looks attractive from a distant standpoint but when I really think about it it terrifies me.

what are these 'small things' that happen that make you worry for a whole day, or till you see him again? maybe they arent so small if they are causing you so much turmoil.

you have to understand that your behavior is like a weight pulling your relationships potential down. eventually, if it persists, it will break the relationship. when you are feeling insecure just think 'what has he done to make me feel this way', and 'how has he betrayed me to make me wonder', etc. if you find that it is all in your head, and you are just overreacting hopefully you'll be able to think more clearly and pull yourself out of the endless cycle of doubt.

you cant gravitate towards negativity like that. the more you worry, the more your worrying will hurt you, and the more you will worry in turn. stop the cycle as soon as you can "IM NOT GOING TO THINK LIKE THIS". tell that to yourself EVERY SINGLE TIME you start the worrying cycle, and dont beat yourself up about anything because its the same thing. worrying doesnt help you, OR your relationship.

as for the 'long term', you dont need to worry about that either! enjoy what you have NOW, then remember all of the good memories you made with him if it ends. think positively. he MIGHT be the one for you, and he might not be. if you enjoy his company and you love him and can see yourself with him for the long run, you gotta stop hurting the relationship by constantly questioning his commitment and his feelings, as it makes a lot of the things he says and does invalidated, like they dont matter. if he says 'i love you' and you say 'do you really want to be with me' sometime later, he might start thinking 'why am i bothering! i love her but she doenst see it' and it will be very hard on him, and for him.

do your best to make happy memories with him. doesnt have to be some big ordeal, just going places and seeing things, and doing stuff together is enough. when you start to worry, stop the cycle quickly like i said, and distract yourself with hobbies and such if / when he is not around so you wont think about it so much. write your feelings down on paper, this will help tremendously in de-stressing you, and helping you work thru what you are thinking and feeling in a more calm, collected manner. dont write down all the things you worry about though, thats probably the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish. the idea is to BUILD YOURSELF UP by working out the little things that you are worrying about that probably arent worth worrying about or are silly to worry about, etc. let him know how much you care about him, and dont let him know you are worried that he will leave you. he already knows this much. just do your best to appreciate him for who he is, and hopefully improve upon your worry some nature a bit (and eventually get rid of your worry some nature all together, hopefully ).

think about it this way:

after all you've been thru, hes still with you right? how much nonsense have you put him thru just to have him return to you because he is loyal and because he cares about you? if he didnt care, if he didnt want to be with you, he wouldnt deal with your nonsense, he would just stop talking to you or look for someone else or something. the fact of the matter is, HE STILL CHOOSES YOU. do your best to not stress him out by worrying

You're not alone but it's not as scary as it looks. I agree, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, you're both going to have to a mutual understanding of trust and commitment to make it work, that doesn't mean messaging him to find out where he is every five minutes. I know it's difficult to stop anxiety or insecurity but you really need to just let go and face situations as they come rather than jumping to conclusions or worrying.