It started here...

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I'm posting here because it started here. I found the person that became my best friend and love of my life. Two and a half years ago I came to this forum to ask advice about a friend that I thought could possibly have Asperger's. Everyone was quite friendly and supportive but I clicked with one member in particular. For many reasons it was a slow start, but undeniable. The chemistry was there, but more than that we needed each other.

Some of you that have been here a while know who he is, and that he was very open about his years of drug use. He had a rough childhood and suffered severe social anxiety starting when he was a young boy. He used heroin to help him feel normal in the everyday world. Discovering Wrong Planet was like finding his tribe. He was a natural at creating friendships, but this forum also enabled him to start to dream about maybe someday being able to find safety and lasting love. Many of us come here, lonely, with that same dream.

I am a (more or less) NT but I’ve never really felt like a fit in in the NT world. I have a hard time trusting that I could ever be enough for any guy. The beauty of on-line relationships is that often, before you ever see a picture, a person’s spirit captures your soul. A happy by-product for us is that we found each other totally hot. Whether that’s based in reality is a non-sequitur—we were happy.

He made me laugh every single day, he was gentle, and believed in me. I believed in him unconditionally and his ability to get clean and stay clean. For the last year he’s been working full-time and we’ve been dreaming, tentatively, cautiously, about a future together. A forever with kids and a house with a stream running through the yard. It wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops, I promise you that. We had a few times when the anxiety got too much and we would break up. It usually lasted about three days. He had a period where he relapsed and I gave him an ultimatum. He picked himself up and got the job. We were striving for something better. We held each other accountable.

One month ago today, on November 7, he passed away. Unexpectedly and unexplainably. I knew something was wrong the moment I opened my eyes and saw there were no goodnight texts from him. We had just talked for over an hour the night before but he always sent me a goodnight text. When he didn’t answer his phone and I didn’t get any further texts from him that morning, I contacted his work to see if he clocked in. (we are on separate coasts) He hadn’t, so they called his sister and he was found in his house.

The last month has been like an unending nightmare. Did he know he was dying? Was he afraid? Was he at peace? Uh, so many questions that I won’t get the answers to! Whatever happens after death, I know he’s fine. But I miss him. I miss him for ME. I miss his constant chatter and his goofiness and the way my stomach still did little flip-flops when I got a text from him. Now it’s just silence.

I think he would want this community to know that he was gone. I also think he would want to thank you, too, for being here when he needed it. I wanted to pay tribute to him somehow, and the way he touched my life, so thank you, Jaybird, for helping me to see that I am lovable. Thank you for teaching me all that you did and the joy you brought to me on a daily basis. I’m not ready to say goodbye, and I don’t know if I ever will be, but your handprint is on my heart. I love you and always will. You changed me for the better. IFLY

Your girl,
Elbird

I'm so sorry for your loss. (((((hugs)))))
I didn't know him but it sounds like he was a great person. I think it's a nice thing you did sharing this story.

Oh I'm so sorry. I can't even think of the right words to say. That kind of bond is the meaning of it all, and I know nobody would have wanted it to end that way. It is so good that you found ultimate love in each other... I am so sorry you were separated in this way. I am just so sorry.

I too am sad to hear this.

I'm really sorry.

RIP, Elbird

i am so sorry to hear he passed away. i can't imagine what you must be going through. thank you for sharing your story here, and i hope it helps your heart a little bit to come full circle and talk about it with us. (((((hugs)))))

Oh my God, Kitten - I'm so sorry. He was a great guy and he loved you. He PMd me a while back after you two had gone through a rough patch and explained, "And, now we're back together, and I plan to make some adjustments to try and make things run alot smoother....I really do love this girl." And he really did. He was a wonderful person and made a lasting impression and I'm so sad that he's gone. Feel free to PM me if you'd like....I'm just so sorry for your loss. Take care.

That's really sad.

I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your memorial to him here is really touching, really beautiful. He was lucky to have you in his life.

Thank you, everybody. Your kind words mean a lot.

Sorry to hear about what happened.

I read the thread(got a lot of spare time this week)and he seemed to be a great guy.

i think it's lovely that he had someone who cared enough to write this

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Thanks. Jawbrodt was a special guy.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Kitten. Your tribute to Jawbrodt must have been very painful to write, but it's beautiful.

Sorry to hear. He seemed like a cool funny guy.