Did diagnosis help you get your relationship back on track?

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Dear all -

My question

Are there any other Aspies (particularly men) here who discovered they had AS as adults when they had been in a long-term committed relationship, and if so how did this affect your relationship? In particular, is there anyone here whose relationship came to the brink of collapse, but got back on track as a result of diagnosis and subsequent support?

Input from any NTs who might have been on the opposite side of the same situation would also be very welcome.

Some background on my situation

Since I am asking for personal experiences, I suppose I should share something of my own circumstances, although I don't feel comfortable sharing intimate details about my situation online without my partner's knowledge or permission, so I will try to be general rather than specific. I hope that is ok.

Roughly speaking, we were in a relationship for about ten years. About half of that time we were engaged to be married, but never did get married, until my partner Jenny (not her real name) broke off our engagement two years ago. She says that we have not been together since then (two years), although we still live together and do things together, although most of the time we end up fighting because she is so angry, feeling that I have "ruined her life", and because at the same time I don't manage to adopt strategies that manage to defuse her anger and demonstrate a change for the better.

What's been going on recently

Over the past two years, I have been trying to learn more about myself (relationship counselling - by myself because she didn't want to go together, counselling at work, CBT), and I have started to think that I have AS. Actually, Jenny said many years ago that she thought I might have a mild form of AS, but at the time it felt to me that she was telling me there was something 'wrong' with me, and got defensive, and never reflected on it myself. I've just today been to see my GP and they have referred me for assessment, although that can take a long time. In any case, whether or not I am diagnosed with AS, I can say with some confidence from reading this forum and other things online that I certainly share some of the challenges that people with AS have in interpersonal relationships, and also that I would have almost certainly fit the standard stereotype of AS when I was young. (I might write more about this on another part of the forum if and when I feel up to it - let's just say some of my teachers actually called me a 'little professor'.)

What concerns me

But I notice I am rambling on, and the length of this post is getting out of hand. Basically, my worry is that, even if I somehow managed to get things back on track, and get past all the hurt (which I don't really know how to do), I might never be able to give Jenny what she really needs and wants from a relationship in terms of emotional support and empathy. I think that she really looks at a relationship as something that fulfills an important function in her life, in terms of having someone who will look out for her and is willing to take responsibility for her happiness. I, on the other hand, probably would not have said when we met that I was missing something in my life; I just loved her and liked spending time with her.

What really brought things to where they are now is that I never really acknowledged (even to myself) that we wanted different things, and that she was actually making sacrifices to her life so that we could be together. Understanding things much better now, I would certainly be willing to make compromises, but I worry - could she ever be truly happy (and in turn, could I ever be truly happy) if a fundamental thing of what Jenny wants from a relationship is something that doesn't come naturally to me?

Any help?

I'm not sure whether I am making sense to anyone, but basically I am wondering if I am just being defeatist - and focussing on the negatives rather than possible positives - because I am depressed and anxious (and am now being criticized and judged on an almost daily basis). I suppose I was hoping that there might be some 'success stories' out there of people who were with someone who felt emotionally neglected and even emotionally abused by them, but managed to turn it around in the end. (Of course if there are non-success stories, I would also like to hear them; I mean I would just like a realistic picture.)

Again, sorry for prattling on. I have tried to edit my post to add some structure with little sub-sections; hopefully this is helpful.

I was hoping someone might be able to help me with this, but it seems my thread hasn't garnered any replies. Is there really no one out there who might be able to give some advice?

If no-one replied because something is confusing about how I tried to explain my question, then please let me know. Or if you just think I am being an idiot in some way or other, I'd rather have some opinions than be left hanging.

I am really worried about Jenny. We had a really difficult morning today. It ended with her just shouting expletives at me every time I opened my mouth to say anything, until I ended up just leaving to go to work.

I really don't understand what is going on. What is the point of all the blame, anger and hatred? Even if I am totally at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, what is the point of abusing me if it doesn't actually change anything? She doesn't like living where we are. Whenever I suggest moving somewhere else, the argument becomes about why we moved here in the first place. When I ask where she would like to move, I either get told "Why would I want to move anywhere with you?", or it all turns into how she never felt I wanted asked her opinion "when we were together". When I arrange a viewing, she doesn't come with me. When I tell her I understand how difficult things are, it is "but yet you do nothing about it". And if I do nothing, then at some point I get asked "why do you like living here so much, you know that I hate it here, why haven't we moved?"

I am sorry if this sounds like a whinge. I know I have made things really difficult for Jenny in the past, and I don't blame her for anything, but I just don't understand what is being asked of me. (And when I ask her about what I could do to make things better, she says "nothing" or "I don't want anything from you".) I could really use some advice.

I don't understand what you're asking. It sounds like she's done with this relationship. There's nothing to salvage (in her mind). Now she's just trying to get closure (in an unhealthy and unproductive way).

When I was diagnosed as an adult, I'd been in an on-again, off-again relationship for a few years. We didn't wind up getting back together after that for various reasons, some of which were not AS-related at all, but I think the dx helped him to better understand me and we've been close friends ever since. It sounds like his anger and resentment towards me was not nearly as strong as 'Jenny's,' though.

From what you've said, I think mv's post above is sounds like an accurate assessment. As hard as I know it will be for you, it might be time for you to start thinking about moving on.

^^^mv has it right. your relationship seems very solidly over and i don't think a diagnosis will change that. it's not likely you will be able to radically change yourself from the diagnosis, and there's no reason to expect Jenny to change her perspective about you either. she was already working under the assumption you probably have it and it didn't change anything.

maybe you might want to move out of that house. not sure why you are living together with so much arguments and anger. it seems like you two are hanging onto each other in a most unhealthy way, which is preventing both ogf you from truly moving on.

having an AS diagnosis can dfefinitely help you in future relationships as you may be more aware of your own limitations and requirements, but it's too late to fix things with Jenny.

i'm sorry that i don't have happier or more encouraging advice. i think this might be why people didn't answer your thread... there's no nice or easy way to suggest it might be time to move on.

Since my diagnosis, I've become more accepting of myself and my social limitations. My wife has noticed that I seem more relaxed and better able to handle social situations (even though I still have to excuse myself from family gatherings now and then for a brief "time out").

Now that I know what it is that's been holding me back, I'm developing some "work-arounds" that don't involve stressing out or shutting down.

Life is better.

Being diagnosed has helped me a lot in understanding why I do the things that I do. Also, it's helped my spouse understand that I'm not trying to be an ass to her sometimes, but it's just the way I act without realizing it. We've been able to look at things differently, understand what's going on, and even make some adjustments. The whole social thing really bugged her, because she's extremely social. Now she understands where I'm coming from, and we've been able to make compromises that we both can live with.

In your case, I don't know if there's really anything to salvage, but understanding yourself could help in a future relationship.

Thanks all for the feedback -

Fnord, and ictus, it would be great to hear about some of the strategies you've been able to employ, and also about some of the troubles you had before diagnosis?

Also thanks to the others for the comments - the trouble is, it doesn't seem to be so simple as to say "things are over, I will move on". For example, earlier this year Jenny went away on an internship for a few months; I came to visit her sometimes; it wasn't always perfect and there were a few really big arguments over the phone, but overall I felt things were better. While she was there she told me she would never come to live here while I am still in my current job (which is pretty much the only thing that is keeping me sane), but then she did end up coming back. Overall, it just feels to me like things are up and down and I am getting conflicting messages, although that might just be me not understanding what is really going on with her.

Also, I am worried about Jenny - she suffered from major depression at one point in our relationship, and she sometimes talks about how she wants to die and I make her want to kill herself.

Neither one of us has any friends here (actually, she _does_ have family nearby, but she doesn't go and visit them as far as I know, certainly we haven't been there together for years), and she is financially dependent on me while she is completing her graduate studies. Anyway, the point is that even if I wanted to I wouldn't feel that I can just leave, particularly when it is _my_ job that we are living near to, and particularly given that she felt left alone by me when she was suffering from depression before.

I just don't really understand what is going on - she is extremely intelligent, and I would say I'm reasonably intelligent also (at least I made it to be a university professor), so shouldn't we be able to sort things out to either get back together with strategies of how we can both be happy or at least move on with some mutual respect and without recriminations? Instead, we end up having arguments where she just talks at me with blame and blame and blame and at some point I lose it and end up pulling at my clothes or even rolling around on the floor. (I don't remember ever acting like this as an adult at any other period of my life - I wonder if that is what Aspie websites call a 'meltdown'? The anger and rage and accusations and blame just get too much for me, and at some point I can't take in any more.)

Thank you for listening.

I found this series of books by Andrew Marshall very helpful

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Resolve-Your-Di ... _ep_dpt_10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Partn ... t_ep_dpt_5

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Build-Life-Long ... t_ep_dpt_9

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Heal-Move-Seven ... t_ep_dpt_4

Before: I was constantly on guard for any insult, expressed or implied, from any of my peers; and every insult was a continuance of the abuse I suffered as a child. I avoided people of my own ethnicity because they tended to judge me more quickly and more severely than people of other ethnicities, and sought out people of other ethnicities because they seemed more willing to excuse my awkwardness as unfamiliarity with their culture.

After: What I thought were insults may have only been social "banter". Also, I wait until I'm invited to join a conversation before contributing. Now I'm getting to know and understand people of my own culture and ethnicity a little better, but it's slow going - I have a lot of catching up to do, and a lot of past hurts to deal with.

Knowing the reason for being rejected by other people has given me the motivation to "fill in the gaps" in my social skills, rather than whine and complain about not having any.

OP, I'm very concerned about you. Based on your description, your gf seems to be emotionally unstable, angry, abusive, suicidal, and potentially violent. If you really believe that you owe her financial support until she's finished her studies, I hope you'll consider evaluating your situation to determine if you can provide that support in the context of separate households. You both seem to need a break from each other, and the terrible stress of your home life.

If living separately is an impossibility, then you need to develop some strategies to cope with her behavior. Ask her again if she'll attend counseling - not with the goal of resuming your relationship, but with the goal of determining ground rules for restoring civility in your home. If she won't go, work out your own ground rules with your therapist, and inform her of them. And then follow them. I hope that your ground rules include removing yourself from your home (at least temporarily) if she starts screaming at you. I also hope they include immediately calling 911 (or whatever emergency contact is locally available) if she threatens suicide again. She may be suicidal, she may just be a drama queen or borderline personality or incredibly manipulative or whatever. Don't bet her life on it - or your own.

It seems to me that yelling at you, tormenting you, etc. is not dissipating her rage (whether it's righteous or conflated). She needs to work through her anger, acknowledge her own responsibility for the situation she's in, and learn how to behave like an adult. Of course, that doesn't mean she'll choose to do the work. But you also have a choice here: refuse to be an emotional punching bag; do the work necessary to restore some peace and sanity to your life.

As far as whether a diagnosis can help a relationship, of course it can. I've had well-adjusted Aspies tell me that their diagnosis provided a context for their behavior....they took comfort in realizing that the behaviors that impacted them negatively weren't character flaws, but symptoms of a disability. I think when both partners acknowledge that and commit to putting in the effort to deal with the disability, it can make a huge difference in a relationship. But as with any relationship, resolving issues can really only be accomplished if both partners are willing to do the work. So far, it doesn't seem as though your gf has that willingness.....which is why I hope you'll concentrate on putting some solid boundaries in place to manage her negative behavior. Good luck.

Hope, thank you for your concern. It's not always so bad, sometimes we just get along - but there doesn't seem to be any improvement, and I'm not really sure how to sort things out.

It's true that I'm having trouble setting the boundaries you are referring to, particularly when I know I've done some really sh***y (unintentionally, but that doesn't help to make her feel better). She says that she is going to move out next year, but I am not sure whether that is true. I suppose that the truth is that she doesn't really know what to do either, and is really sad and upset, and it's all too easy for me to forget this at those times when we argue.

We spent so much time together and were going to get married - how do you walk away from that?

Anyway, thank you all for your comments and support, it is much appreciated.

Although this is not advice from a male's viewpoint, I am a self-diagnosed Aspie. Finally discovering what was unique about me DEFINITELY saved my marriage. When my son was five, he was officially diagnosed with Asperger's. My husband and I ,at that time, had been married for 3 years. We constantly fought about everything from my struggle with housekeeping to my pre-occupation with the computer. My husband complained that he needed more attention and affection from me, half the time I found that just annoying. My thought was that I married him so he should know that I loved him. I couldn't understand his need for more intimate contact. He couldn't understand why I couldn't understand.

From the time that my son was diagnosed, I began researching everything I could about Asperger's. Two years later, as my husband and I tettered on the brink of a divorce, I came across an article about girls with Asperger's. It detailed how it's commonly misdiagnosed and what it can look like as girls grow up. I was stunned as I read the article it was like reading my life story. I showed my husband the article. After reading it, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said you make sense now. We continue to have ups and downs but my husband has been wonderful in working hard to understand why I act and react the way I do. I've had to do some work of my own as he teaches me how to cope and interact. It's been a long road to this point we are at now. If my husband had not given 110% to really make this marriage work it would have ended a long time ago. He apparently thinks that I'm worth giving above and beyond. He is constantly finding ways to understand me better and in doing so help me understand him and the social world around me.

I think the difference between someone worth working for and walking away is if when you are finally diagnosed the person that you are with shows concerted effort to understand you and help you understand them. If they use your diagnosis as an excuse rather than a reason to try harder than it's best to walk away now and find the person who thinks you are great the way you are and is willing to give a 110% to making a life with you work.

So...once again not from a male aspie perspective, but hopefully it will give some relevant insight. Good luck in your search for the right person.