My unfortunate situation

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Hi,

I am a 26 year old guy and I work as a personal trainer at a gym and bodybuilding is my major interest. I was only recently diagnosed with aspergers. Up until this time in my life I have had zero experience with women apart from just talking with them. I present a somewhat baffling combination of qualities to any women that I have anything to do with. On the 1 hand I am well above average in terms of intelligence and looks however I have a slightly clumsy stance/posture/gait and an awkward gaze. I have difficulty maintaining eye contact (unless I am quite familiar with the person) and just generally lack confidence. Despite those negatives I still have no problem with getting women to be attracted to me in the first place but it's what to do after that which I have no clue about. I think that I have some sort of fear of the next step because I still have never taken it and have spent my whole adult life avoiding it. It could be a fear of rejection but if that's all it is then it has got to be the worst case of it that has ever existed. The situation is just about as bas as it can get because I desperately want to enjoy a physical relationship with a woman. I think part of the problem is that the women that I am meeting are at bars/parties because that is the sort of scene that I am in and I definitely don't belong in that scene. I need to stress that the women I am meeting are mostly looking for 1 night stands of just casual sex partners and not serious relationships. I think I would be better off meeting a girl who was at a similar level as me but the chances of that are pretty low considering I am at ground zero. It would also basically mean I would have to restart my life and get an entirely new circle of friends. I am looking for any advice that I can get about this situation.

Why is this your first post after joining WP over two years ago?

well i joined when I initially found out about the aspergers but never got around to posting. I rebuilt my life from that point so that I now have a good network of friends that I never had before. But it has dawned on me that I'm really not in the right kind of crowd because I am way out my element.

how can you work at a gym and not be dating? Every gym Ive been in is full of shagging in every closet (exaggeration). But its well worth your while trying to date a gym bunny as they will share your goals and interest and like working out with you.

If your gym has no women try getting a job at a different one or at least join a different one and train there sometimes, ask your colleagues which is a gym which has lots of women.

Or you could do a top up course and teach boxercise class or body pump, classes are full of women and in my experience they all try to date the teacher as he has the glamour of running the class and being the boss.

there are plenty of women there and If I had any clue at all I would be getting laid every night but there is some mental blockage there preventing me. I'ts not from a lack of desire but i think it must be a fear of failure or rejection or something like that. I need some practice without embarrassing myself so I am trying to come up with the best way to do that. Ideally I would have a relationship with a girl at my level or development but the ship has sailed on that 1... the missing years of my life through high school where every1 else was doing and experiencing things. So the only other thing I can think of is spending thousands of dollars on hookers for a few weeks. It seems ridiculous to even think like that.

well my ex was a virgin (and round your age) when I first slept with him and it was the best sex of my life, so I think your worries on the front are needless.

look on video jugs dating section as its really useful and shows things visually so its much easier to take on board
http://www.videojug.com/tag/dating

Last edited by The-Raven on 06 Jan 2012, 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

these books are also useful
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Undercover-Sex- ... t_ep_dpt_6

http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Make-Anyone ... t_ep_dpt_3

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dare-Connect-Cr ... 39&sr=1-11

well i would prefer to take things a bit slow to start with and actually date some1 instead of going for sex str8 away when I haven't even spent any time doing the other things which come b4 sex. I know its hard to believe any1 could get to my age without even going on a date with a girl...

then you definately dont want a hooker!

read some of those books, watch some of those videos then start asking women who go to your gym our for coffee, then you can chat and get to know them. Just keep inviting them to meet again at the end of each date and you will gradually feel more comfortable and then be confident to progress the relationship. If they are from the gym they will be happy to talk about working out and diet, and you could even arrange dates where you work out together, infact offering a free personal training session might be a good way to get dates and get to know ladies.

Yeah the hooker idea was a last resort idea to just get some actual experience under my belt. I don't want to be fumbling around with a girl I actually care about and will be seeing all the time. I guess I have been putting off dating for the reason that it leads to a situation which I am not prepared for so i guess it all goes back to fear. I am f****d.

i think your mistaken in your worries, if someone really likes you, they wont view it as 'fumbling', and every new person is just as nervous making, having had sex does not take your nerves away when you like someone and fear their rejection. Read some sex books such as teach yourself great sex to improve your confidence
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Teach-Yourself- ... 0340939087
and get some general confidence books such as paul mckennas confidence
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Instant-Confide ... 574&sr=1-1

If you're looking for a serious relationship, your level of experience in the sex department is of no consequence. It's going to be your ability to understand, anticipate, and meet the emotional needs of your partner that will make it a success or not. If that's solid, even bad sex can turn into good sex.

I learned to fake my way through socializing, dating, and even into a marriage, but that's where fooling a person stops, because you just can't fool your spouse, and now we are both struggling to understand each other. Where to learn all that relationship stuff? Beats me. That's why I'm at WP, because I don't have a clue.

My advice is figure out the deep stuff (somehow) before you even think about jumping in. There are worse things then being a lonely virgin. Trust me.

I think I need to work on my confidence a lot. I shouldn't even be worried about a relationship or sex at this stage... heck i can't even look a girl in the eyes like a real man. Whenever im walking down the streets I am getting checked out at least a few times a day but my immediate response is to look down on the ground and act completely uninterested. This is the kind of loser I am and I have no clue how to change it.

well if you want to sort out your problem (rather than just want sympathy) then I think your best bet is to work on your confidence, here is another confidence hypnotism book which I found helpful
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Confid ... 332&sr=8-2

but your best bet of all would be to have 'in the flesh' hypnotism with a practitioner in your area, you could google them or find them in your phone book. They will be able to remove your fear and increase your confidence and stop you needlessly limiting yourself.