Having a very tough time--NTgirl

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Hi,

I feel so lucky to be able to post here..this seems like a truly wonderful community of people. I'm in such a tough situation in my relationship and advice from my friends and family seems off-base because most of them don't understand aspergers the way i have researched and learned over the past year. I am a 22 year old NT girl in a relationship with a sweet, funny, and incredibly handsome 23 year old aspie guy. We have been dating for one year, with some huge bumps along the way recently. That is why I have come here...for all of your thoughts. This is a realllllly long post, really, a saga, so bear with me.

Up through around October, we were incredibly close and inseperable. We moved in together after 6 months, spent lots of time together, texted constantly when we weren't together, and were just madly in love. I am my boyfriend's first relationship, and he used to write me beautiful letters expressing his love and devotion to me. I was on cloud nine...we both were. While I've been in casual relationships before, I've never felt such love for another person. We both thought we had found our life partner.

He is still in school, and has a very long break for the holidays...a month and a half. I asked him in the beginning of November what we would do for New Years Eve together, since last year we couldnt be together for the holiday and were both very sad. He shrugged me off..i figured we would work something out.

Soon, I found out that his mother made plans for the entirety of his break, (6.5 weeks)...none of which included me. I had met her several times and spent a vacation with her in August, we've gotten along great. She even got tipsy and kissed me the first time we met. I've a very shy and laid-back kind of person, while she is very dominant. I was incredibly hurt that he didn't make any efforts to spend New Years Eve or ANY of his break with me, at all. They are a very wealthy family so even though his family lives about 3 hours away, transportation is not an issue. I even offered to go visit his family or pay for us to take a long weekend somewhere together. He wasn't into it. He's very close with his mother but at 23 years old, I can't understand why he wouldn't put in an effort to see the girl he loves. He used to cry when we had to be apart more than 1 night.

Over Thanksgiving break, we were fighting about my unhappiness with us being separated (voluntarily on his end!!) for his entire winter break, when he sent me a text from his mom: "She is behaving unacceptably: She is nasty, selfish, and immature." That completely crushed me, especially since I really, truly liked and admired this woman. Then I did something that I regret with my entire body and heart---I called him and broke up with him. I was so angry and frustrated that I let my feelings get the best of me. We didn't speak for 5 days (every one of which was miserable, i cried my way through) and then I called saying I still loved him and made a mistake. He was surprised and angry, as he should have been. However, he was compassionate for my saddness and said he still loved me, and that he wanted to work on getting back together and repairing what was broken.

However, since then there has been no work on his part. I call him, I tell him i love him constantly, and how remorseful I feel about breaking it off. He is just so distant and unlike his old self. He says he doesn't feel the same way he used to feel about me since I broke up with him. I ask him to hang out like we used to (the lease was up at the end of October and I moved home with my parents to save money), he doesn't make an effort. When we hang out something feels off. He isn't affectionate anymore, but he still wants to have sex. He used to be so sincere and sweet it would make you cry---not anymore. Did i truly f*** this up when I broke it off? How did he fall out of love with me during that 5 day period?

Friends tell me to play hard to get and give him distance. I'm just worried that those "games" won't work with my guy because he is alittle quirky in that he has aspergers. Maybe I'm wrong though? I don't want to play games. I just want my old boyfriend back who I love so much. He says he "can't explain his feelings because he doesn't even understand them himself," which I have read is a very common trait among people with aspergers. Will he ever love me like he used to?

Am I being selfish or not understanding? I love this aspie more than I can say. Thank you for reading and I appreciate any and all thoughts.

Huhh. Well the only thing I can think is that his mother might be afraid of losing her bond with her son, since you say they're close. It doesn't seem selfish to be taken aback and hurt that she made 6.5 weeks of plans for her son that didn't include you. It doesn't sound like you've been nasty or selfish or immature... I wonder if his mom doesn't think/know deep down that that is what she is being by trying to prevent her son to have an adult relationship. Just a guess based on the sketch you've given of the situation. Have you had any direct conversations with him to find out what changed to make him in the first place go along with his mom's vacation plans? Maybe he didn't want to create a rift with his mother and didn't know how else to handle the situation... ?

I will say your were being too cilngy with your boyfriend. He chould be over wlamed from conteinly seeing you. People need me time and space. Also when families have family time it can sometimes be just family. I whould just live him alone a wile and give him space. This is not the matter of autism but a matter of giving people space as some people like periodly alone time

You're too clingy and his relationship with his mother is sick. Game over.

This is strange... because normally it would be the boy (especially since this is his first relationship) who would be too clingy, in my experience.
But yes, based on what you're writing, it sounds like you should just... give him some space. I think that would be the wisest thing to do right now if you really want the relationship to continiue.
I remember some lines from Christina Aguilera's hit "What a Girl Wants";

They say if you love something let it go
If it comes back it's yours, and that's how you know
It's for keeps, yeah, it's for sure - then you know you're ready to give it more

Oh, and by giving him space, I don't mean that you should play hard to get. Just try not to call or text for a few days, and see if he takes the initiative. Maybe he truly feels like he needs time with his family. Kind of hard for me to relate to, because I have a very ambivalent relationship with my family, but that's just me.

Regardless of your making the phone call,
it sounds to me as if he's the one who broke up with you
when he refused to make the slightest bit of effort to spend the holidays with you, or even (the way it sounds) portray you in a positive way to his mother.
Acting moody after the fact (such as saying that he doesn't feel as he used to) allows him to pretend he has the moral high ground, even though the whole episode was brought about because of his actions or lack thereof.

Games won't work with him. He likely won't understand at all. You will just end up confusing him an alienating him more.

People with AS often need a lot of time to themselves. It sounds to me like you lost sight of the fact that he has AS and expected him to operate on the same level socially as an NT. Things were probably moving too fast for him and he found himself overwhelmed and didn't know how to address the issue.

I think you need to back off. But before you do, you can tell him you're sorry for the way you acted and NTs sometimes have social problems too so you hope he can forgive you. I would also tell him that it's ok to take a break, and maybe take things slower when you meet up again, if he will still have you as a girlfriend.

Why would he send you a text from his mom? There's a glimpse of your future.

1. His relationship with his mother is inappropriate for a 23-year-old, is he dependent on her financially or something?

2. You did break up with him, how can you possibly be surprised that he is being "distant"? You put him there in the first place...

I read your post twice, you have been together for a year? You started living together? But now he is away at College? How did you live together for six months if he is at College? Did you go to the same college? Some of the time line here does not make sense to me.

You now live 3 hours away from him? Where and how were you living together? Were you at the same college but you have graduated? That all aside, it sounds like his Mom does not approve of you. Therefore the separate family vacation and you are not invited. Not to mention she is sending her son negative texts about you, which he oh so helpfully has sent on to you. Which strikes me as very hurtful and oh hey, he wanted you to read it.

If the Mom really liked you and thought you were good for her son and most probably her future daughter-in-law, you would have been invited at the very least for Christmas Day, if not to join them on their trip. They are going on some kind of six week trip right and you were pointedly not asked to join them?

And he is doing nothing to thwart Mom's plans? Then he is passively or actively, who knows, on board with Mom's assessment of you.

This sucks. This is hard to take, especially since you said the first six months were so blissful and you were so close with him.

The very fact he chose to send you that nasty text his mother wrote about you says tons. He lets Mom do the talking for him? He lets Mom decide how he is spending his holidays and doesn't object that it doesn't include you? Then he is in agreement with Mom.

But hey he still wants to have sex with you? Oh, oh, time to set up the No Contact Rule and stick to it or you will end up feeling used and discarded. Unless you like going from cherished lover to booty call whenever I can squeeze you in, but I have to check with Mom first....

Time to move on and let this guy go. He has already left if you hadn't noticed. Remarks like I don't know what I feel, is guy sub text for, I don't want to be with you anymore but I don't have the heart to come right out and say it to your face.

This has nothing to do with Aspergers btw, this has everything to do with, guy is listening to his Mom, not you and who knows, maybe the lady has already lined up some new candidates for him to date during the holidays, perhaps why you are not on the invite list? She sounds like she would be the mother-in-law from hell and it sounds like your ex -boyfriend doesn't have the balls to stand up to her or is in agreement with her holiday plans.....

Maybe he wanted to disuses how his mom feels towards her so they could try to work on improving the relationship. I'm betting he didn't feel the way his mom does about the OP & he wanted the OP to be aware of the the problems he was having getting his mom to accept/like her. He may of not known how to start that delicate conversation or considered how hurtful sending that message would be to the OP; us Aspies are famous for unintentionally being hurtful & being bad with conversation. Some Aspies are very dependent on their family as a result of their social & other issues so his mom may be very overly protective of him & she may be worried that the OP is taking advantage or will hurt her son because he's more naive(for lack of a better word here). He probably feels torn between his girlfriend & his mom. Also some Aspies get obsessed in the very early stages of a relationship &/or they also try to force themselves to be more NT but the act of not being themselves & not getting their alone time they are used to or require can build up. Add to that the stress of a contorting mom who wants her son to spend all the holidays with her & his girlfriend getting very understandable upset with him over the situation; he could be very overwhelmed with everything. I think he needs a little space & time to sort things out. I would suggest trying to tell him how sorry you are & that you understand he may need some time to himself so you will wait for him to come to you: be sure to tell him that you want him to go to you when he wants to

Thanks so much for the responses. You guys have really given me some great insight…

Afr0: That quote from Christina Aguilera is so relevant and it’s definitely something I’m going to keep in mind over the next few weeks. It’s hard to let go of something you love but I have to remember: when it’s meant to be, it’s so worth it.

PaintingDiva: We met in college in NYC and I graduated this past summer, while he will graduate next summer. He is originally from a place 3 hours away. We lived together in NYC, then when the lease was up I moved in with my parents (30 mins away from the city) to save money. He’s still living in NYC, and going to his hometown (and various vacations) over his break. I agree with you that this totally sucks. I think he is perfectly fine being under his mom’s control at all times—even if that means compromising his relationship with me. He is used to it. And yes, I do need to bust out that NO CONTACT rule ASAP. And I have a bad feeling that his mom certainly will try to set him up with someone else. But anyway, Thanks for your thoughts. I think you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head.

Nick007: “some Aspies get obsessed in the very early stages of a relationship &/or they also try to force themselves to be more NT but the act of not being themselves & not getting their alone time they are used to or require can build up.” I think that is EXACTLY what has happened. This is a stroke of insight i never could have reached on my own, so thank you. I wish I could have seen it coming sooner so as to prepare myself for the shut down. I guess all I can do now is let him be and encourage him to reach out if/when he wants to.

Chronos: You are right in that I've definitely lost sight in the fact that my boyfriend has aspergers and needs plenty of alone time. I was disillusioned by our first 8-9 months together because he wanted to be with me every waking moment, but now it seems that it's all catching up to him and has become overwhelming. It's a tough transition to make, but it's definitely time for me to back off completely.

Don't think of the following as a mean comment. Encourage him to reach out, but don't hold your breath. Don't put your life on hold waiting for your phone to ring or putting everything on hold because you think he may ring and you want to be free when he does. The part about him wanting sex and nothing else, been there, done that. It's not pretty and don't let it get to the point where you will feel worthless.

Good luck and move on.

I don't know if this helps, but whenever someone i'm so invested in pushes me away, it hurts. A lot. The problem isn't so much the event (normal people are hurt by such things too), instead the problem surfaces from the fact that my long-term memory is way too good.

I want to find the guy that came up with the quote "time heals all wounds" and shoot him in the face, just to see if time heals that. Because, when you're cursed with good memory like me, time doesn't do anything. I keep reliving my last breakup (which happened over two years ago, by the way) over and over and over again. It's just as vivid now as it was when it happened. I can't stop thinking about it, analyzing it, trying to figure out what went wrong. It's my analytical problem-solving mind trying to solve an unsolvable problem.

So what I ended up doing, essentially as a last resort, was to cut off any and all contact with my ex, pretty much to the point where I've created a fiction in my emotional centers in which she never existed at all. Logically, i know such is not the case, and it's still having a lot of trouble taking root, but it's something I need to do. Otherwise, the pain will eventually overcome me. So I can understand where he's coming from. He doesn't want to get hurt again. I know that people snap. It's not going to be all roses all the time. But if this guy is anything like me, he probably wants some reassurance that even if you get angry at him or want to spend some time alone, you haven't stopped loving him. That is, if you ever get the chance to reconnect with him at all.

I'm sorry I can't be of any more help

Thanks, ToadOfSteal. I know that my guy also is deeply affected by the fact that I initiated a break-up, and I regret doing that tremendously. Ever since we’ve gotten back “together,” I’ve gone to great lengths to reassure him that I love him more than anything. Even so, it’s going to be extremely difficult—if not impossible—for him to move past it.

Would it be possible talking to his mother saying something like this:
I am truly sorry for what I did because I did not know how Aspergers affects him everyday and I feel that I have come between your relationship with your son. I feel like he is becoming distant from me because of what happened and would like some help with this.
Also if he continues to ignore you then for that reason you can leave him.