Aspergian or As*hole?

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One of the demons that has plagued my life thus far is my inability to intuitively sense and react appropriately to the moods/feelings of people that I care about (AKA "empathize").

This has often led to me being called "heartless", "a robot", "inhuman", etc. etc.

Of course this is one of the classic symptoms of AS, but these people do not accept that as an "excuse" - they accuse me of being a soul-less monster despite all of my verbal assurances to the contrary and specific guidance on how to deal with the situaton in the future ("in words").

My natural insecurity in these matters causes me to wonder if they are actually right: How can you tell if you really are an as*hole?

Hang out with people who are less emotional to begin with? I never had that problem, maybe because of that.

BTW? Is your avatar a picture of you? It reminds me of Louis Theroux.

I get the same feeling myself, and because if that I question my own sense of humanity and caring for others. but the way I think about it it's unlikely it's being a a*hole, a*holes tend to be unaware of their flaws and just continue being themselves without any intention of changing.

Grisha, I think the hard part is being able to convey that you 1) understand their distress with your behavior/actions, and 2) are willing to try different kinds of communication to articulate the issues, and 3) that you are *truly* committed to finding ways to compromise and make the relationship work. That separates the wheat from the as*holes...

The hard part is that we cannot teach "them" to understand things on our level. We *always* have to travel to theirs, which can foster resentment. If you can find your way around that, you're golden.

I always wish you well, and I really hope this is just a hiccup.

Yes, that's me - and you're the second person who's told me that (also in UK) - I had to Google to find out who he was...

At this point, I am really beginning to doubt that there's a way around it - no matter how clearly I explain it, it always gets dismissed as an "excuse": like I really know how they feel and what I'm supposed to do about it, but I choose not to because I'm really just an "as*hole"

I've boiled it down to two simple rules:

#1 - It is impossible to underestimate the cluelessness of the Aspergian male. (and female, I suppose)

#2 - Always say how you feel, and what you need me to do about it, in words.

No "hints", sarcasm. innuendo, etc, just plain, direct speech - is that really so difficult?

and no, it's not a hiccup, it's full cardiac arrest and the attending doctor is just about to look at his watch.

I'm sorry.

I have the same experiences that you have...with the exception of many of my engineer/scientist friends. This may be because they are predisposed to being fact-based individuals too or maybe they are simply on the spectrum but have not been diagnosed.

Being female, many of my male friends will ask me what their NT girlfriends are "trying to say" when they are indirect and I am hopelessly clueless. In other words, I don't think one could underestimate the inability of Aspie females to read nonverbal clues either.

Amen, sister! Did you ever interact with someone and they get that anticipatory look in their eyes, and then you see it fade because you didn't respond/behave in the way they were expecting you to? I think that's just life for us, until someone compassionate gets to know us really, really well.

That's exactly my problem, my idea of "helping" someone is almost purely practical: What can I do to help them solve the problem that's distressing them?

This is not being a soul-less monster - the answer to that question may be "put myself between them and the gun so I get shot instead of them".

But apparently I'm supposed to run around screaming, or cry, or panic, or something else that I'm supposed to intuitively know I'm supposed to do - and the fact that I don't do this makes me an as*hole - even if I'm doing everything I can possibly do to help them otherwise.

I'm not sure if it's even possible for me to have a relationship with NTs - this has happened too many times for me to ignore.

All the time! And even worse is when I am watching movies with a group or on a date and I laugh hysterically at a point when everyone else is frightened or sad. Sometimes I think those that do not know me well worry that i am a sociopath...which I don't believe I am at all.

Now, I would have thought helping someone in practical, concrete terms would be a good way of demonstrating you care on an emotional level. I mean, why else would you go to the trouble of doing it? Shows how much I know, lol.

Maybe the next time around, you can simply say you care and want to help, then ask what you can do to be emotionally supportive? I'd like to think that if you'd follow instructions and do exactly as you're told, you'd be gold, but have the feeling you might still get a few demerit points from some women for not instinctively just knowing what to do.

Maybe not with the NTs of whom you speak, but other, more direct NTs might make salvagable friendships.

On the dating front, this could be problematic for an Aspie man even if he is good-looking. I say this because women tend to be far more emotional creatures in the NT world than the men are.

As a woman, if my date is puzzled by my behaviour and asks "what is wrong?" When I tell him "I am overwhelmed by all of the people/lights/smells/noises in this place," he will typically usher me quickly out of the place as soon as is reasonably possible [unless he is an a$$hole, in which case it would be unlikely that I would have accepted the date in the first place].

If I were male and the exact same situation occurred with an NT female, the NT female would likely say something like "stop being ridiculous" or worse, assume the Aspie man is effeminate or weak.

Being a woman is inconvenient on many levels but being and Aspie woman definitely has perks over being and Aspie man.

That's the exact propblem - I'm "supposed" to know what to do, and the fact that I don't is not because of my Asperger's, it's because I am a sociopathic monster who doesn't care.

Are all women like this? or is it just the ones I end up with?

i get those names too sometimes. but more because i don't always express what i'm feeling than because i don't sense things, i think

I'm told I lack empathy and that I have a hard time showing that I care. Sometimes my husband even accuses me of making fun of him. My last ex's described me as it felt like they were hugging a robot when they touch me or hug me. But my husband doesn't feel that way.

I think people still don't understand AS even after they read about it. I admit I don't understand everything about it either.

I think as*holes are fully aware of what they are doing but they just don't care, sure some are unaware of their own flaws and how they act but they usually have problems themselves so it makes them be unaware. But they are still as*holes. But everyone is one to an extent. Even good people can be one.