Met a girl online and hit it off. Having Aspie worries...

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Sorry for the wall of text...

I met a girl online about a month ago on a dating site called PlentyofFish.com. I came across her profile and read through it and noticed that while her profile mentioned she lived about an hour away she wrote that she had moved to Florida. I sent her a message telling her about the discrepancy and she told me she had moved back close by recently. We talked for a week or so but at one point I thought she had lost interest and I took a hiatus from the site for a couple weeks. When I did log back in she sent me a message and gave me her skype and phone number. We have been talking every day via texting/skype and things seem to be going surprisingly well. As great as this sounds, even to me, I still can't shake some of my hangups about it. I got out of a 5 year relationship a few months ago where I was manipulated, controlled, and cheated on quite a bit.

This new girl is unbelieveably beautiful and I feel like she is way out of my league. This alone makes me feel very insecure. However she also has a two year old son (she is 19, 5 years younger than me) and an abusive ex that still sees the boy (even though apparently it isn't his). She didn't want me to add her on Facebook because she claimed that her ex would try to add me too. This whole ex buisness made me be wary and more distant than I normally would have been, but she told me that he finally understood that they weren't getting back together. The fact that she has a son makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I think that I could get over it, he does seem adorable.

She also enjoys going to clubs and dancing, which is something that mortifies me to think about doing myself. She invited me to come up and go dancing with her last Saturday, but I told her about my Asperger's and she was very cool with it. However when she went out she didn't get on that night and told me the next day she had gone to a friend's dorm after the club. Apparently there were two couples were having group sex but she didn't join. This admittedly made me a little bit jealous, but not too much since I know we aren't dating yet and she has a right to do whatever she wants.

She has been a bit flaky while I have been talking to her, going afk for hours at a time randomly or logging off without warning at night. I understand that with a child most of this is probably pretty normal, but with the ex some of it makes me wary. Last night we had a 30ish minute webcam chat and she kept telling me how cute I was and smiled quite a bit. After that she went to lay down and we texted back and forth a bit. She brought up how cute I was again and mentioned how she was thinking about sex. This doesn't bother me that much other than wondering if I am just a guy to make her ex jealous.

As far as I gathered, she likes me because I'm cute (apparently), I have been nothing but respectful toward her, and am a really nice guy. In spite of this I still can't completely give into the fact that she may really like me. My reservations still remain, along with my desire for her. I am not one for casual sex in the least and I'm not sure if she's expecting us to do "the ol' in-out" the first time we meet. I know this problem will be solved by talking with her, but my other hangups aren't so easy to get rid of. I don't want to get into another relationship where I am taken advantage of and I certainly don't want to have to worry about her ex that lives in her town.

I guess I would just like some input from you lovely people on this topic, I don't have many people to talk to this about.

Thanks everyone ^_^

Ah so women will respond to you on that website (never had any luck on there myself) maybe there is hope for internet dating afterall. Nice work in that sense.

Considering everything that you have written you're right to remain concerned and be cautious at this stage. However I think it would be better to meet this girl in person but before making a solid decision. Ask her if she wants to meet up for coffee or lunch one day, nothing too heavy. Obviously that might be a tad tricky bearing in mind she has a young child but if she wants to meet you that badly then she'll make the time for you.

If meeting her in person goes well, then start worrying about the potential baggage that would come with a possible relationship, at this stage its unhelpful and in a way unnecessary. Good luck.

I think I understand where you are concerned because I have also been in abusive and manipulative relationships for a long time. It is definitely OK to be wary of someone you are meeting for the first time over the internet.

It sounds like your concerns are whether she truly is interested in you as a person, whether there are games being played with or against her evil ex, and the concern of her child.

It would benefit you to try to gather up a bit more self esteem in regards to your insecurity. If you start out thinking how beautiful she is, how you dont deserve her, or how you arent good enough for her that is a horrible place to start. Your insecurity can definitely drag down the whole opportunity to date if you let it run things. ,Do your best to show her your best self, and if you have to, make an inventory of your strengths and talents and that you bring to a relationship (this is for you to realize your own worth and have some confidence before you meet).


This is what I would do if I were in a similar situation. I would write down the issues from the past relationships so that I have a list of red flags handy and awareness of what is unacceptable to me. I would write down what my boundaries are for any new relationship, such as, how much time am I willing to spend with the other person? How much money am I able to put into the relationship? How much time would I want to spend on our separate interests (such as if she wants to go dancing without you)?

That way you at least have sort of a map, and if it looks like she is taking advantage of you, or you are spending too much money on the relationship, or spending too much time dealing with her drama at the expense of your own well being, you can take some time to seriously look at things.

But meeting up in person has got to be a first step. If you're worried about not being ready to go to bed with her, maybe you ought to be meeting her in a public place for a set amount of time, where that is not going to be an option. Like a date to the zoo or to see a parade or show or something. And then part ways so that you can go home and figure out how you feel about her.

this is just my two cents for whatever it is worth. let us know how it goes.

Thanks for the advice I shall take it to heart. Yeah, I've had a surprising number of responses on there (not a lot, but more than expected) and even a couple messaging me first. So far though all of them seem to be overly childish, not interested, or just plane bat $#!% insane XD. I think the ball is pretty much in my court when it comes to meeting her. She has been mentioning it for about a week now and I'm the one that would have to drive the hour or so to see her. Neither one of us has a job so we both have quitea bit of free time to make plans. I'm probably going to schedule something soon and see how things go.

Sorry, had to go get an eye exam for my glasses and contacts >.<

I have worked up a bit more self esteem since my previous relationship has ended. I have started to watch girls and usually notice at least one checking me out when I go somewhere. I've even started to practice flirting with my eyes and goofy smirks XD. I met another girl online that messaged me first and went to hang out with her for a bit between classes at college. I honestly thought everything went well and I was far less awkward and shy than I expected myself to be. Even though we never talked again after I left I still think that I did great and any reasons she had to not want to talk anymore were entirely her own.



This was one of the reasons that I like her so much. I first messaged her with no intention of ever really talking to her. I didn't bother trying to put on a face like I might have with another girl and she really seems to like me as I am. I have been taking notice of my strong points as well. I kind of lost sight of them over the last 5 years with my ex telling me things like "You don't deserve straight As because you don't work that hard".




I have been doing this mentally the last month or so while collecting myself after breaking up. Being with someone that I loved that much for that long has really given me insight on what I can and can't (read: WON'T) take in a relationship.

I don't think I follow the Aspie "norm" (not that there is such a thing) of needing a majority of alone time in a relationship. I like to spend as much time as I can with my S.O. but there are rare occasions when I need few hours of me time to relieve anxiety.

My ex would bleed me for every cent that I had, so I will certainly be watching my wallet on future ventures .

I certainly wouldn't mind going dancing with her on occasion. I may not like the commotion, music, or dancing in general but I like her. Besides I could take pride in having an amazing girl's arms wrapped around me while the other guys are wondering "WTF is he doing with her?" XD.

I think the fact that we live an hour apart might be good for easing into things (other than the whole "her ex"problem). My ex lived about an hour away in the opposite direction so the distance isn't a problem for me. I am going to make sure I take this as slow as need be until I finally see that she is truely interested and commited to starting a relationship with me. Thanks for the input and self analyzing ideas.

Oh, and where do you take that Aspie test that's in your sig? I have been curious about that for a while now lol.

I don't like the sound of this. Call me paranoid if you want; I just don't. I think you're very right to be concerned.

"Finished with my woman cause she couldn't help me with my mind~~~" hahaha Paranoid reference. Thanks for that bit of a reality check. Hell, I've been trying to talk to her most of the day via texting and she hasn't really been responsive. I'll probably at least try to meet her before I decide what to do. If anything it could be some excellent NT research.

Well she finally got back to me... at about 11:30 pm >.> we promptly talked for about three to five minutes and now she has been afk again for an hour. She isn't idle on messenger........and as I type this she logs out.. I really need to stop investing emotionally into this girl. I really feel played at this point.

^^^this. my response is not super-positive. i see red flags all over the place.

can you see her FB profile, even if you can't add her as a friend? if i were you i'd check her relationship status and see if she has any recent pix with her "ex". i get a very strong feeling he is either still in the picture or at least has a very strong hold over her activities. i am very suspicious that she can't add you as a friend. her ex being your friend shouldn't be a problem unless he is controlling her or still in a relationship with her.

at the very least, it seems like she is seeking an escape from her ex but she is too afraid to go it alone and cut him out without a safety net of a new man in the picture.. yes it makes sense for him to see the kid, but there is no need for him to that involved in her life.

looks like she's showing her true colours. i am sorry it's not going the right way.

a couple of things - i think it's quite cool that you're accepting of her family situation (i.e. siingle mother), and that you were willing to give her a chance even when she started getting flaky on you. at the same time, you were wary. i am impressed that you were both fully aware yet also open-minded to the possibilities with her.

also, you write really well and you are definitely cute in your avatar! keep trying with the dating as i think you've got some great attributes AND a great attitude.

YAY I have been hoping that miss Hyperlexian would grace me with her insight! As far as her FB goes, the only thing that is public is her pictures. She has some new ones from the 14th and he has commented on most of them as if he is still a romantic interest. She shrugged this off as him still wanting to be with her. She told me that she had no interest in him, but was afraid that he might try to take her son. He isn't the biological farther but his name is on the birth certificate. I doubt he could though considering she lives with her parents and Indiana is a pro-mother state.

As for your other comment I appriciate the ego boost . I feel like I am starting to come into my own and I have learned not to take crap from women anymore after my last relationship. I think she may be a bit young for me anyway. Having her son might have made her a bit more mature than other girls her age, but I still think she likes attention and games.

Thanks again for replying missie Hyperlexian. I've read quite a few of your replies over the months and you always give such great advice.

I have been getting into the online dating thing pretty deep. I've talked to a handful of girls in the last month. So far though most of them have turned out to be bat $#!% insane though lol. I had one Insult me repeatedly because I didn't agree with her extreme atheism and held fast on my stance of being indifferent either way until I find my personal truth. I had another that I actually met in person at the community college downtown while she was in between classes. I thought it went well, especially considering my awkward shyness, but she spent the majority of the time telling me to go home and go back to bed, go eat, and that I was bored. I know that sounds kind of weird, but in context it was relevent to the situation. I thought she was just trolling (joking with) me, but she kept up with it and eventually I just said "SEE YA!" and got up and walked out of the room. I havn't heard from her since that which is fine with me. She was a lot more immature than i expected and none too attractive in my opinion either.

Even though that one went bad I still felt really good about it. I went out and met with someone, had a decent conversation (or so I thought), and learned that I can talk to people. Plus, on the way back to my car I noticed a gloomy looking cutie giving me the eye when we passed eachother. I might seem a little full of myself, but little things like that have been giving me more confidence and I think that girls are starting to see that too.

Here's my opinion.

Meet her, but don't invest in her.

She sounds like trouble to me.

Thanks ladies

I may just be done with her completely after tonight. she blew me off agian for an hour or so then logged out randomly. I texted her and attempted to talk, but she still seemed preoccupied and then stopped messaging me when I was asking her questions about meeting. She usually tells me when she is going to bed and it was a bit early for her, so I expect fishieness!

I sent one last message to her. Something to the effect of : "Well I'll be here, but let me know when you actually want to talk". Didn't get a response and I bet I look mighty controlling to her right now. XD

i'd say dont talk to her any more. i see wayyy too many red flags. then again, im a hopeless romantic and if i was in your position (which i kinda am), i'd probably give it a shot even though my intuition tells me im stupid for doing so. lol