how does a HFA guy find a GF

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I've tried countless dating sites, but I find them depressing / stressful...

When in school, I've always been depressed, but when in school i wasn't really interested in a GF since I felt i couldnt deal with a long distance relationship. I was in school long before facebook/myspace... when i was in high school, no one had cell phones.

But now at 32, i feel I missed out on life in the 20's... and that i know feel the reason i've always been depressed was because, I never had anyone special in my life. I work at a university and at times I feel attached to some students... ie those that seem different. I hate social affairs... and i feel it takes me months before I truely feel comfortable chatting with someone... and at times I felt like hugging her but I had to restrain myself as I don't know how she feels about me, plus the student-employee thing.

Lately I've felt so lonely, I can't sleep... and the only time I feel at ease is during a now weekly massage session.

There is the whole middle ground, that you're missing, between spending a decade isolated & depressed and having a girlfriend. That middle ground is having friends. Without being in relationships with various friends one hasn't the social experience to feel content and comfortable around folks. I'm afraid the business of knowing how to be in friendships simply can't be dispensed with before being able to attract the opposite sex.



He has a lot of work to do first:

1) He will need to resolve to start where he is; stop worrying about his age and the time past.

2) He will need to get over the false idea that the lack of a girlfriend caused his depression in the first place. His depression is his. (The opposite sex aren't teddy bears to hug in order to comfort oneself.) He needs to tackle his mood issues. No girlfriend has the magic to accomplish his own inherent task.

3) Once he has started making some progress on his mood issues; he needs to start establishing some friendships. (Without experiencing positive adult relationships there is no hope of ever progressing to the ultimate adult relationship; a mate.) As long as a man is anxious around people, suspicious of others or otherwise negative about people; woman are repelled. It's unattractive.

4) Friends bring new potential friends into one's life. It happens organically. They know and associate with others and when you are with them sometimes you get to meet their friends. That's how most folks eventually meet their mates. (If not at work or through other special interest activities.)

Until you are content and comfortable around people, until you can enjoy other people; meeting women you are attracted to will not result in a girlfriend.

^^^ Wise.

I dont know, Ive known several aspies with a partner but no friends.

A lack of close relationships may indeed cause or sustain depression. My depression was to large extent cured by my first affair though that was not likely to be a very typical case (anyway I disagree with the statement that lovers would not be teddy bears for each other). It is true that depression should try to be cured by other means but finding close relationships (close friends, lovers or other) may help a lot.



This is one way to do it but not necessary. For many people who are not even on the spectrum, spouse is their only friend. To say that one has to get friends first, would merely set an additional and in some cases a rather high obstacle for many people, especially for many of those who are on the spectrum. For some autistic people being with "friends" feels like wasting one's time but time with companion feels different since companion feels to be more important. Friends are part of typical life and they usually help a lot, but people on the spectrum are not always that typical and they should not try to do typical things too hard if it does not feel good for them.

It still might be useful to have acquaintances even if they're not friends. Just to broaden ones social circle which will give them more options.
As most people rely on socialising to survive, it's only normal for them to ask others about a prospective partner. If no one really knows you, you won't have any people recommending you or letting them know little bits about you.

Although maybe saying that might be more of a stressor.
In any case, knowing a few people, even if it's only superficially, helps you have a sort of reputation. If it's good, it increases your chance of someone receiving your romantic interest positively.
As mentioned by others it isn't entirely necessary but I don't know how you'd go about things without it.

Good luck with finding someone.

^^^yes. friends are almost like "references". fifty or a hundred years ago, it was possible to know a person's entire background before getting into a relationship. these days strangers are dating each other. mutual friends and acquaintances are a natural route to meeting people and getting to know them safely.

having friends doesn't guarantee a relationship of any kind, but NOT having friends really severely limits a person's opportunities and will make prospective mates much more wary. not too many people want to be a partner's only friend right from the get-go (though sometimes couples evolve that way somewhat over time).