I ALMOST have a girlfriend

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While hanging out at uni out of sheer boredom, I met this cute Ethiopian-American girl who was fiddling on the school computer. She shares some of my interests, particularly ancient history, didn't mention a boyfriend when describing her daily routine, and said she was willing to hang out with me sometime. She even gave me her e-mail address! Now that I have an attractive female friend, how do I take it to the next level?

You don't almost have a girlfriend any more than NASA has almost found a planet with life on it. NASA has just found planets. Life on them is a different story.

You have just found a girl who has expressed that she is willing to consider pursing a friendship with you, and for women, the chasm between friendship and a romantic relationship can be a big one.

Ask yourself this, are you trying to just take what you think you can get her because she is nice to you and you have some interests in common, or is there something special about this girl that makes you believe that you two would be a good match at a level beyond friendship?

Remember most people usually do not want to maintain a friendship with someone who they have rejected as a romantic interest so if you are attempting to obtain a romantic relationship, you are likely doing it at the sacrifice of a potential friendship.

Friendships develop over time with exposure to one another. If you want to spend time with her; invite her to go to a museum or someplace where there is an ancient history interest, or simply ask her to go with you for a slice of pizza, or whatever floats your boat.

I read a lot of fear of being friend zoned here on WP. I think that's exaggerated. Yes, I know it happens and it may happen a lot but I think there's no antidote to it. Women often need to get to know a guy a bit before being able to get attracted to him romantically/physically. Trying to skip out on friendship and move directly into the boyfriend role seems defeating to me.

A poll here a few weeks ago asked; how did you meet your husband or boyfriend. When I reflected on the question; I realized that except for one instance, I'd met all my romantic partners through friends (they were friends of friends). And although I was usually a bit attracted to them on first meeting them, I needed to spend some time with them in low key friendly activities (read; not heavy dating situations) before knowing whether the attraction amounted to anything for me.

Seek to spend some time with her, but keep it low key for at least the first couple of times.

When you have her phone number you can call her occasionally to chat. This is sometimes preferable to an actual date, as you can get to know one another and not have a pressured situation.

This is what doesn't make sense to me. If friendship can be used as a basis for a relationship then why not remain friends after the relationship fails or even you've determined that you don't want a relationship?

1. shower every day, and wear clean-ish clothes.

2. don't force it, don't push it too hard. do not stand too near her (I'm not saying stand miles away, but don't go too close to make her uncomfy). (Don't over-do your research on her, e.g. on her Ethiopian home village; she'll feel stalked, and that you are being too heavy).

3. look at her body language. does she look at you, does she move away from or nearer to you?

4. at the right time; maybe after you've had 12 conversations at least, say 'look can I just say I have a condition called Asperger which means I'm not great at picking up signs etc from people and at interpersonal stuff. I just want to say I really, really would like to continue getting to know you as a friend, and please yell at me loud and clear if I do things that are rude or wrong; I'm really not trying to. I need your feedback, I really do. Thanks.'

5. pre-romance; if there are genuine events nearby on your shared interests e.g. ancient history, then suggest you both go along. Maybe even watch a tv programme together. Also maybe lend her a good book on it. (But be very careful you don't bombard her and over-do it; it may be your special interest but only a fairly low-level interest for her).

6. remember; shower every day, and wear clean-ish clothes.

good luck!