My boyfriend's vanished and I'm freaking out please help!! !!

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I have been seeing a guy with aspergers for over a month nearly everyday. He is extremely high functioning. He's 25 but he acts much younger, mostly due to the insane way his family shelters him. Of course they hate me, Im much older. Plus he's been getting independent since we got together, including planning to move out. He's been blooming in every way. We knew each other online before we started dating, he was a friend of a friend, and I've never seen him so confident and happy. Unfortunately his family started to make real trouble for us, causing such stress that we started to snap at each other over nothing. We had no issues between us personally and still adored each other. We discussed that his parents were clearly about to to tell him he couldn't see me anymore and what his options were and he was strong about it.

After grabbing me for hours and telling me he never ever wanted to let me go last weekend he disappeared. He spends most of his time online playing games or skyping but has done none of that. He hasn't even contacted his best friend. His mother drove him by to leave my stuff on my porch and run back to the car on tuesday. I did get through to him on the phone once, but when I asked him if he was ok I got a halting "fine". He said he was clear to talk. I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong and all I got was "uhhhhhh..." I know I needed to let him think and I tried, but after waiting over lots and lots of dead air I forced him to tell me why he was breaking up with me and he said because I scared him (ridiculous): because of some things I said when he wouldnt answer any of my skypes and I typed angry (hes seen me that way before). I honestly dont know if that was true as he has a habit of just saying things when you pressure him. I asked if he didnt want to see me any more and he said it wasnt like that but I couldnt get anything else out of him but "uhhhhhh." I was so worried and hurt and upset I just lost it and he hung up on me.

This all started when I said we needed to cool it on his coming over to the place Im staying because I just moved and Im staying here for free and the people I live with were getting uncomfortable with him being here all the time. He thought I meant take a break from us as in not communicate at all for awhile. I dont even know where that would come from! I was already confused and hurt by that.

I called his house yesterday and his dad hung up on me. I know this man cares for me, I dont understand how he can just forget me like this and I'm totally inconsolable. I dont know what to think. I dont know anyone else with this issue.

I am a wreck. Can anyone shed some light on this? Im losing my mind here.

Last edited by vivdiva on 21 Dec 2011, 5:43 pm, edited 6 times in total.

Seeing your text reminded me of this documentary. Tom (the blonde) in this film.



[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSxgCguPEaM[/youtube]

There are 6 parts.

<hug>

I think he might of broke up with you because of the issues with his family not accepting you. There's not much at all you can do except accept that it's over unless he's willing to risk going against his parents which he probably won't due to being so dependent on them.

My parents are very similar. I actually had a similar situation. They put a whole bunch of crap in my head, and since I couldn't escape their wrath, I believed it in spite of myself. I know now what happened. Maybe they did that to him. He probably thinks you are wrong for him based on one little thing his parents twisted around.

Thank you. I guess Im just too close to this. I really dont understand how he can walk away from me. We were both too miserable to function when we tried once before (before I knew about his aspergers). Now it's like "poof" nothing. I cant help thinking something has to be really wrong.

maybe ask if you can see him and just make sure you are calm, losing it will not help. i don't have a clue why it happened but you should probably try to coax him into explaining but don't force it. I personally would not be encouraging (not dissuading either) him to move out. it is a good thing to want independence but i would not want to try to influence a partner to do that due to it being a fairly big commitment depending on circumstances

if it is true that he found it scary that you lost it when he did not reply to messages then i would say you appear too needy. (possibly separation anxiety?) I've definitely been like that in relationships but it wont go away unless you learn to control it and realise there are undertandable reasons for not replying straight away (i don't mean the him dissapearing tho, i can understand you being worried)

Sounds like a write off and a wet bus ticket. Get someone worth dating. Surely you want someone who can communicate?

(hugs) I'm sorry about what's happening though. How much older than him are you?

HopeGrows: Then don't attack...What I feel is what I am and what I am is beautiful....

he hasn't disappeared - he has retreated and needs space. i think he got scared of the level of attachment and intensity in the relationship. there is nothing wrong with being that close to someone that fast... IF the other person can handle it; he couldn't. perhaps he enjoyed it at first, but it was like he suddenly "came to" and realised it was all too much for him. it sounds like it was very hard for him to break up with you (and he is probably very sad over it), so he felt he had no choice but to cut off all contact so he could manage his emotions.

for him, it sounds like the month-long relationship sounds like too much too fast. so much change, high expectations, drastic new ideas. it doesn't really matter if he initiated it himself or not - it would be extremely overwhelming for him. he likely had the best intentions and wanted to make himself perfect for you, then realised the reality of his situation. you may see him as high functioning, but clearly he is not yet at a stage where he is ready to live independently and make decisions for himself.

you are coming across as someone who is very dynamic in personality, and many aspies are very low key. too much excitement of any kind lead to an emotional meltdown that he could take a lot of time to recover from.

your best bet is to walk away and cut off contact. perhaps try to keep track of him through friends to some degree. if he wants badly to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to do so. but it sounds like he is just not ready for what you want.

Thank you, hyperlexian. Everyone says I should cut contact. I have as of today though he doesnt know because he cut it with me. Im walking away....but in my heart I have always agreed. If he wanted me he would be with me. He didn't choose me. At the end of the day that is it.

Im sure the rest of my stuff will just turn up on my porch at some point (dry laugh)

Thank you for explaining this to me in a way I can understand. I just feel so lied to because everything was his idea and I let myself be led into this misery trusting him. He was so earnest I just didnt put up my usual gaurds. Now Im paying for it.

Understanding helps.

Thank you.

Ah, the great Disappearing Act. Aspies are prone to this in overwhelming situations. I pulled this on my ex once (although it was after she had broken up with me). Aspies just can't process some things with the speed that NTs can. Some things can't ever be processed.

Of course, some things can get really blown out of proportion too... when you say "I need you to stop coming to this place", he might have panicked and set off a whole cascade of events in his mind.

Overall, i'm sorry for your loss. And don't feel like it's your fault, he clearly has some misplaced unrealistic expectations on a relationship if he let one bad comment become such a major argument...

I highly doubt this is the case. From what you described, I would guess that since his parents took issue with you, they pressured him into breaking up with you; and since he's mostly dependent on them right now, he can't exactly say no to them and get away with it without some form of consequences. My guess is that on top of pressuring him into the break-up, they also wanted to keep their dislike of you on the down-low, and might have told him that if you asked what was going on, to either lie or say nothing at all. Either that, or his sense of shame towards his parents' actions made him more than a little hesitant to give you a straight answer. Either way, the result is a seemingly spontaneous break-up with no answers as to why.

If you're going to be mad at any one, I'd be mad at his parents for using such underhanded techniques to pressure their son into conforming to their expectations of his personal life; not at him or yourself.

Thank you two so much! I keep running over it in my head...what I did wrong....how I should have shut up and given him more time...how I should have hidden my anger and been supportive...could have should have would have. Even though the other side of me says I had a right to be angry. Even then I was clear about being his girlfriend and loving him and being scared for him....I was worried they took all his computers and his phone away and had him locked in his room or something. I admit I am not perfect, I just came out of a very bad relationship that he was present for, I havent been terribly secure and need more reassurance than normal...he knew the score. Its why I was so reluctant to date at first. Plus this move has been unexpectedly hard. Like he always said "I knew all this when I started the relationship". Im usually the solid one, this time he's been so stable for me, that's part of the shock.

You have given me an explanation, and at least a couple reasons not to beat myself up. Thank you so much!

Great observation, that definitely explains a lot.

I agree, I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum but I tend to enjoy stability and routine, I prefer relationships to be static and gradual, something happening unexpectedly can definitely be overwhelming and unsettling. There are times when I have felt overwhelmed or scared by the intensity of a relationship or emotional commitment, I think it's common for males on the spectrum to detach from a situation that is emotionally overbearing, I don't know how common it is for females on the spectrum though.

When i said that you had separation anxiety i was referring to when he would not reply to you straight away rather than when he cut contact with you. I know i would freak out in that situation.

It does seem like the parents are manipulating him but i'm not really sure what you can do as he likely has a deep bond with them and they can manipulate him easily. good luck. i hope whatever happens is good for both of you.