any AS girls dating AS guys?

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anyone else doing this?

i thought this would be such a good idea; we'd understand each other, and be mutually supportive.

instead im supportive of him, and hes totally oblivious to me, to the point he cant even realise its polite to say he's going out when we're IMing or exchaning emails etc- so im sat waiting at the keybd for him...

if i explain his thoughtless words have really cut me- im being 'harsh' or 'mean' but he cant even apologise properly for saying pretty horrible things to me, inadvertant as it all is... its rather draining....

id love to hear from some other girls who're doing this.

I'm a woman with Asperger's, dating a man with Asperger's. We get along pretty well, most of the time. Sometimes, we fight, but we always make up afterwards. Plus, he has other issues he's dealing with. Once I explain things to him, he's pretty understanding. People with Asperger's, especially men, have trouble understanding people's feelings. They don't realize that something they said might hurt the other person. It's not intentional. When I tell my boyfriend that something he said hurt my feelings, he apologizes. When you two are calm, try explaining to him how you feel. It's hard to tell someone how you feel when you're angry.

Last edited by Princess78 on 10 Nov 2011, 9:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hey, evening. Just 'cause he's got AS too doesn't mean he's your perfect match, any more than two random NTs are perfect for each other.

Not that I'm saying your relationship's doomed. I think you two need some better communication going. Pick yourself a time when you're both relaxed and not doing anything important, and explain what you've been feeling, and ask him how he's been experiencing that stuff himself. See if you can find some mutually acceptable solutions. Chances are you have each been misreading the other to some degree, and are each clueless about some things that the other person is doing. You might ask him to explain to you what he experiences as "mean" and how you might avoid those sorts of statements. Maybe you annoy him sometimes too and he hasn't been able to explain that to you. Get it out in the open, find solutions together.

That said, he IS a guy. Guys aren't socially encouraged to talk about feelings a lot. You might do better focusing on practical solutions. You can't change him; you can't turn him into your mental image of the perfect guy. Neither can he change you into the perfect girl. You're getting past the first stage of your relationship where you each think the other person's the most wonderful thing ever--you're getting to the point where you can see each others' flaws, too. If you want to go on from here, you have to find a way to deal with the flaws in a way that doesn't hurt anybody.

I'm so very sure that my previous boyfriend is on the spectrum, but he doesn't care to look up aspergers or see a psychiatrist, so I'll never know for sure. I think we were very compatible friends. We could say "I wonder what Blahblahblah means", and weeks or months later, one of us will suddenly realize what it means, saying it out loud without any context, and the other would know exactly what they mean. I think that is really cool.

But yeah, he was very ignorant of being polite and often didn't understand when he failed to take my feelings into consideration. I felt more like I was his parent, trying to teach him how to behave properly. Which might've been fine if he actually learned anything. Very exhausting to be around too much. We do make great friends, though. I especially like that we can be having conversations, and not feel the need to say anything if we don't have anything to say. So basically, silence over instant messaging until someone has something interesting to say. Most other people will try and fill in gaps in conversation which ends up awkward and more of a waste of time.

moved from General Autism Discussion to Love & Dating, where the lovvvvve happens <--- cheesy grin

OP, i think Callista has a good point - it may not be you or him specifically, but the communication between you two that is causing problems. i think that it maybe takes time to build a rapport and get to know how to communicate effectively with each other. or it could be the case that he needs to hear what specific things that you need from him in order to keep you happy. he may not be considerate the first time, but maybe after a reminder he will know the next time.

I can relate! My aspie BF and I frequently misunderstand each other. Neither of us is used to being very communicative so it's been a lot of effort to try and improve communication. We often ask each other for clarification like "What do you mean?" and when we hurt each others feelings we try to explain why our feelings were hurt. In some ways it's easier, we can relate in a way that I have not yet been able to relate to anyone else. If I offend him, he may get upset but I think he's more able to forgive me my errors and I'm more able to forgive him his.

For awhile I wondered if the effort was worth it, I never put effort into any sort of relationship. I've come to love him a great deal though and I think it's all been worth it.

My boyfriend often seems to be oblivious or even uncaring but I remind myself that it's not true. He does care a great deal, he's just terrible at expressing it.

i think it would be very important in that situation to use 'when you do X, i feel Y' a lot in that kind of relationship. this is also beneficial for most relationships in general, i'd say.

He may resent you trying to change him.

He lacks basic social skills that you desire. He needs to grow up.

If you want a better relationship, find someone who is more mature. Don't worry about finding a guy with Aspergers. Look for someone who is emotionally supportive and has the social skills to interact with you in a positive manner.

My boyfriend and I both have Asperger's Syndrome. I feel very lucky to have him in my life and I can't see myself being with anyone else, but an aspie like me!