It's Hard to Be Married

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Last summer I got married to a wonderfully eccentric NT. Even though I am an aspie, his personality tends to compliment my quirks very well. He doesn't always understand why I need to do certain things or why I am the way I am in general, but he tries.

However, despite all of this I find it hard to be "happily" married. In past relationships, I have tended to get bored and look elsewhere (I am NOT saying that I cheated during these times, only entertained other prospects obsessively and quietly). I have gone through this while we were still dating and made it through by rationalizing that it's not like I'll find anything different out there than what I've already got (and what I've got is extremely good). I also go back and forth on whether I even WANT to be in such a serious relationship, and if I would be much happier being asexual and living alone. Now I think I'm doing all of this again, only this time the stakes are much higher since we're legally married.

I love him to the best of my ability, although I am aware that it will probably never be able to match his love for me (I despise saying "I love you" and showing a bunch of affection but I do try it for his benefit). Some days I can imagine us growing old together with all of our animals, but others I can hardly see past the next year. It's not like there is anything seriously wrong between us, it's just me being weird I guess, which makes me feel even worse about the whole situation.

Does anyone else seem to have a problem staying in a serious relationship?

Why do you think I've made the choice to stay single? I've never actually been in any relationship, though. That's why I've always been grateful that I'm asexual. Plus, little to no risk of stds and stuff like that. But I do know from what I've read and seen, that relationships must be hard. Other people are just so unpredictable, and it would be hard to put up with them.

It's common for relationships to blow hot and cold. I am engaged, and I think it is normal to question whether I want to go through marriage. But when I think of not getting married, it isn't that different to what we have now. We live together as a married couple would, so saying vows won't change much. And there are days when I feel bored with things, and then something happens and I realize all over again how much I love this guy. I think society primes us to believe that we have to feel wildly in love all the time, when that is only a stage of love. When the honeymoon is over and it gets down to the hard work of maintaining a relationship, people tend to think that they are falling out of love. But it may be that they just need to do more things together and communicate more effectively.

hartzofspace is absolutely right -- society kind of conditions us to think that we need to be absolutely wildly in love every minute of every day. The reality is, we are not wildly in love all the time. Maybe not even half the time. But a good marriage is worth it.

I'm coming at it from the other end of the extreme. Been married 30 years this April, and I can easily say that it has improved radically now that we are older. We still have outside problems (parents dying, a son on the spectrum who has his needs at times, changes in religion or political persuasion, etc.) but for the most part, we are rock solid. Why? Because we are best friends. He's got my back, I've got his. Were we this good in the first five years of marriage? NO. Absolutely not. Mostly because we both had maturing to do, and the problems and shifts were bigger then.

I can tell you -- if you've got a good solid base for a relationship, marriage gets better over time, and is definitely worth it. My husband makes me laugh so much more now, and we've always had fun together. I wouldn't trade this marriage for the world -- the one really smart thing I ever did...

Yes, it's hard to be married.

In other news, Captain Obvious saves the day...