Thoughts about relationship dynamics (and do you agree?)

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Some thoughts and possibly tips for those of us with an Aspergian mindset...

- It's best to try and develop relationships with people whose emotional needs are at about the same complexity as yours. If you try to build a relationship with someone who has many complex emotional needs but who doesn't convey them with clear language, chances are they will get very frustrated with you and break ties. And you may end up truly clueless as to "what you did wrong".

- It's really good to build relationships (both friendships AND life partner relationships) with people who don't freak out, scream at you or judge you if (or, more likely when) you make a faux pas. If you can both use language instead of heated arguments to explain one another's positions in case of conflict, then a lot of pain can be avoided. The same use of unambiguous language can help smooth things over so that both of you learn to improve where necessary as time goes on.

- Develop a "live and let live" attitude, and find people who believe in the same thing. In other words, if you need alone time, make sure to express that (without heated emotions or meltdowns), and maybe mention to your friend / partner that if they need that too, that you will understand. In observing healthy NT relationships I have found that the strongest ones are those where each partner gives the other space when needed, and trusts them implicitly. If each partner is trustworthy, the relationship will not be endangered by infidelity.

- Avoid "impermeable" people: by this I mean those types who don't even accept that Aspergers is real, or who judge and place blame as if by default. I find such people particularly challenging, as it is sometimes necessary to cater to their mindsets even if you don't believe in their reasoning, simply because if you tried to reason with them in ways they don't accept, you'll just get shot down and the conversation will go nowhere. Frankly, I think that these are the most difficult of people to deal with in any sphere, not just personal relationships.

Hope some of these help. Any thoughts, opinions or experiences?

yes i agree with all points. The issue is not that i and probably others try to build relationships with people who have different needs but just the getting to that point at all.
How do you get to the point of having a meaningfull relationship with others. Right now i have some friends but i think they will vanish at the moment we are no longer forced into the same environment.
This has been true for all of my experiences so far. Only 1 or 2 relations that started before age 10 i still hold contact with and i don't have any fear of that changing. But the relationships that i developed after age 10 there were plenty of deep connections with people, but they never last long and contact generally abruptly comes to a halt when we no longer share class or other activities.

I feel unable to notice when people want to keep in touch, or maybe they never do. Also i realize i make it REALLY hard for people to become a long lasting part of my social circle.
I can't remember anyone ever making an unambiguous attempt at establishing a long term relationship and i ask myself why ?. Are people just generally afraid to put themselves out in the open like that, or am i just not noticing it and blowing them of. I have been doing and will continue to blow off people wanting to be a part of my life unintentionally but those are fairly ''subtle''' ways at i have to confess to being a bit of a hypocrit in this case. But still i seem to make more of these straight forward attempts at furthering relationships simply because i have no other tool at my disposal.

When i look at my life right now i keep shifting between a state of peacefullness and not being content with my social life. Basicly when you don't know it you cant miss it, is what happens when i am content. I can go many many months with just superfical contact but i do have a need to form more then just superficial connections with people. When i happen to stumble upon moments where i feel connected or want to feel more connected to a person, it ussually disrupts the balance. And i end up wanting more of the same thing for some time until it fades away and i am back to normal just being ok with not having anything but superficial contacts. It has been like this all my short life and i have no reason to assume that anything is going to change, if i am lucky i will have a few good relationships with people throughout my life its all i hope for in that aspect.

I mostly agree with your points. They are very good in my opinion.. What I see most in my day-to-day life that hurts relationships is a lack of communication, or at least the two can't (Or won't) communicate what they mean and want/need/feel. Communicating what you need without placing blame on the other ("I need alone time. Not because of you. It's just who I am, and once I have my alone time, I can better appreciate you." or some such explanation. I could have worded it better.) is essential, I think. s for what you want, I believe that your partner will eventually learn about that without you needing to express it directly, but at the beginning of a relationship you might need to express your wants to those who can't pick up on hints.

Relationship dynamics are good if you have good communication and are satisfied with each other, if not completely head-over-heels in love. Be codependent (Or is it co-independent? I forget. Meaning you can function on your own easily enough, but are significantly better/happier with the other. Basically, you don't 'need' them, even if you really really want them) instead of independent or dependent.

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I think you guys will like my blog. http://modestyking.wordpress.com/

I thought I had met a person that understood and also an aspie and they told me they had a problem with my looks and personality and this was after a year of a lie about having a problem with age difference and then they give "it" up to an NT person 3 years younger and 70 pounds heavier without really knowing this person after 1 date. I don't know how not to be hurt after that.