My BF with Aspergers INSISTS on hugs although he hates them

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I apologise if I've put this in the wrong place; the mods are more than welcome to move it if necessary.

I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful partner with aspergers who I love very much.

I was hoping that you guys would be able to share your thoughts on something I'm concerned about.

I know that my partner hates to be touched for the majority of the time. Despite this, he frequently hugs and touches me because he insists that I 'need' it. Whilst he is right that I do enjoy hugs, it isn't something I need from him, especially not this regularly. We talked about this and he became quite upset, insisting that it was up to him whether he touched me or not. And he's right, it is, but I find it distressing that I am causing him pain and discomfort.

When I tried to explain that I didn't need so many hugs, he started to fell rejected and unwanted. He even seemed to think that it meant that I found him unattractive, despite me being very clear about my reasons.

Can anyone else see a way to resolve this which won't hurt my partner?

well, it is decently clear that your boyfriend wants to make you happy, even trough his own discomfort, apperantly, you are more important to him then his sensory issues.

another thing to consider is that not all touch is the same; i myself cant stand unexpected and/or light touches, but i really like to be hugged, as long as it's a strong hug, and if i initiate it myself, there is no discomfort whatsoever, becouse i know both when and how strong the touch is going to be, your BF might experience something simular

Sometimes it is difficult to know the right words to show comfort when you are on the spectrum, maybe he has trouble expressing how he feels about you verbally or he feels like he has to be supportive emotionally and comfort so I guess he thinks hugging is the best way to show that.

Actually you need to clarifiy something for him...it isn't "up to him" if he touches you or not, it is up to you. I think that's the problem here, that you are feeling he's hugging/touching when you aren't calling for that. And as people with AS will freely tell you, that feels like a violation. You might want to tell him that when you haven't asked for or aren't expecting a hug, it feels uncomfortable. That's what he feels when he gets hugged. I think people with AS have trouble knowing the boundaries....reassure him that he is cared for but make the boundaries (esp with regards to your body) very clear. I think in the end he'll feel better knowing what they are.

Many thanks for your responses; I appeciate you taking the time to help.

Perhaps I should mention that the only kinds of physical contact which don't cause him discomfort that we know of are purely sexual touch and when he gives massages to people.

izzeme: Yes, he has said that I am more important to him than his sensory issues and I know that he wants to make me happy; he's a very considerate person and I appreciate the effort he makes for me very much.

We've talked about what kinds of touch are most uncomfortable for him and, like you, unexpected and light touch are the worst kinds. When we touch, he usually initiates it (if he doesn't, I'll make sure he's expecting it) and I make sure that my hugs etc. are strong. Unfortunately, despite that, hugging me is still uncomfortable for him.

Wolfheart: You're right, he does often have problems with expressing how he feels about me verbally and he does and he does seem to think I need a lot of emotional support. There are other things which he does which make me feel loved which aren't verbal and don't involve physical contact; maybe I need to find away to reassure him that those things are sufficient. He seems to think sometimes, no matter what I tell him, that I'll leave him for someone 'normal' if he behave like he's NT, but that isn't the case.

Nick007: I've asked him if he enjoys hugging me and he's said that he doesn't and that he does it for my benefit; he feels uncomfortable and unless I can engage him in conversation, he gets bored.

If he's hugging me when he thinks I'm upset, he must think that a lot of the time! I don't think he does it when the situation is awkward, since we've managed to establish a way of him letting me know he feels that way, but you could be right.

That story is really weird.

Thanks again Wolfheart! I know his past relationships haven't been the most stable or supportive and I'm really hoping this one can be different for him. It has occurred to me that he's expecting me to want and need what his previous partners did and that the way he acts is based on those women's expectations and needs rather than mine. I suppose that's something else I need to try to discuss with him, eh?

In what way is this weird fraac?

Weird is him not wanting to hug you yet doing it because he thinks you need it, but you not needing it. I've never heard of such odd misunderstanding.

Tell him you appreciate his efforts but not all women are the same. Water may be good for flowers but too much water for some and you lose the flower.

Hey hun, came across your post on this forum and felt I should comment.

I just wanted to say that I have a husband with aspergers as well, and in the beginning of our relationship we had pretty much the same issues as you do. He didn't like being touched etc, but didn't want to hurt me at the same time and neglect my needs within the context of the relationship.

We had some real problems at first, we actually broke up a few times after a year or two of being together because I just wanted him to be 'normal' I guess, and not to have to worry about things like cuddles/affection being a problem. But there were lots of things about him that I loved as well, the touching problem was only a minor issue in the grand scheme of things. So of course we eventually got back together.

Eventually we worked out a system that was fair for both of us, and as it was, the longer we were together, the less his dislike of being touched became an issue. He trusted me more and overcame his sensory overload when he was cuddling me a lot more than he had previously done, and it was clear that after a long time he grew to enjoy the closeness rather than be uncomfortable with it. It's very challenging at times though being with a man with AS as people with that disorder tend to view things differently to how most of us do. It wasn't at all unheard of for me to ask him 'do you think i look fat in this outfit' and he'd say 'yeah you do look a bit chubby' until i realised it was a manifestation of his condition that caused him to be so upfront! It does have its pluses though, I get honesty!!

As things stand, we've now been together 10 years, and I married him in 2009. It was a very happy occasion for both of us and there have been many times I never thought I'd be walking down the aisle with him. We also may have children but as of yet, he has no desire for them and neither do I, so we shall see...he'd make a great father I'm sure

Best of luck to you on your journey