Flirting with Aspie Men

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In this day and age, there are all kinds of ways to communicate. I am a Neurotypical female dating an Aspie male. He generally prefers to communicate via text and almost never talks on the phone. This was a rather difficult adjustment for me, but I'm ok with it now.

I know Aspies are very comfortable with their routine, and the way they have things set up. I do my very best not to disrupt that. There are times, however, where I just miss him and I want to talk to him. Better yet, there are times where I want to communicate with him, maybe say something "cute" or somewhat flirty. But there's always that nagging voice in my head that say he will more than likely NOT respond in the manner of which I expect.

I cannot begin to count the number of times where I wished there was a type of "Rosetta Stone". Then I would be able to translate a message like that in a manner of which he will understand. I'd like for there to be (for lack of a better term) more "flirting" but I am not sure how to go about it. I don't want to be too up front because it might make him uncomfortable. I don't want to be too subtle about it because he might not get it.

Fortunately, communicating via text eliminates the concern of interpreting body language and nonverbal communication (which I understand is pretty much out of the question). How can I text something in such a manner? I'd like to get a little more going between us.

-ET

Can I ask how did you two meet each other? How did you begin dating in the first place?

Not dating myself, and being a guy, it boggles my mind how some guys manage to date or attract women, and yet all they can do is "text" and are "not communicating" on the same level.....How does that work?

-i have no idea, but i've seen it happen in person.
In one case, a very autistic someone i knew got married to a foreign language teacher's daughter i knew in high school. was almost enough to fry some neurons.


..no, that's part of the art of making waves. on the other hand you have to respect the compromise.
but as far as the communication goes, its more complicated than that, and you'll have to deal with it.
as someone who self identifies with the community, i'm not willing to "adjust" for the purpose of being normal. -- and that's coming from someone who can.

Have you read Rudy Simone's first book, 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger's? I'm actually a female Aspie in love with a Neurotyprical man, and am looking forward to her upcoming sequel, 22 Things a Woman with Asperger's wants her Partner to Know, but I definitely recommend Rudy's books!

Have you read Rudy Simone's first book, 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger's? I'm actually a female Aspie in love with a Neurotyprical man, and am looking forward to her upcoming sequel, 22 Things a Woman with Asperger's wants her Partner to Know, but I definitely recommend Rudy's books!

I was under the impression that flirting is mainly a face-to-face thing, whether among people on the spectrum or off. While it's possible to make an email, text, phone message, etc. flirty, not only does that seem difficult, it's also not possible to act on it right then and there (by touching, which could in turn potentially progress to making out, etc.), which removes some of the excitement from it.

I don't know if you mutually are considering yourself dating, or if you're really just friends, and he may not know of your attraction at all. If you're dating, especially if you're already in some way "physical", it seems that flirting could be as simple as reminding your boyfriend/girlfriend of what you did on your last date, how much you liked it and want to do it again, etc.

If you are concerned that he doesn't even know you like him sexually or romantically, then really the only way to be sure of communicating attraction to an aspie is by saying openly how you feel. You could try giving compliments, for instance about his mind, how interesting he is, etc., but he could potentially misread that as just friendly, unless you explicitly compliment his body in a way that clearly shows you find him "hot". Not that I'm prone to this misreading--I tend to misread even friendly compliments as potential attraction when coming from a girl.

Yes, you most certainly can. We met at a church and we actually hit it off pretty well. Our mutual interest in computers and technology most certainly helped with this. I liked him because it seemed at though he has a real sense of direction with his life. He know what he's doing. The specific manner of which we got together, wasn't very "romantic" and far from scenes depicted in movies and what popular culture would deem as "typical". We simply talked about it. Our primary concern was racial discrimination (he is African-American, I am white).

I figured out he has Asperger's sydrome shortly after we became exclusive. He matched most of the criteria, including some criteria that can vary from person to person. For example, he's very poor at making eye contact and he does not notice it. Admittedly, this can sometimes be annoying, but then I remember it's not his fault, it's simply the way he is (my family believed I had AS for a long time because of this as well. This turned out to be a misdiagnosis). The big giveaway was the fact that when he gets on a subject that he knows, he can tell you every little detail, and he also has a tendency to repeat himself.

We started casually dating mid- June and became exclusive on August 6, 2011. He had a lot more free time to talk to me and get to know me. But as the Holiday season began to roll around (let's say the end of October) he began to go "MIA". At first, I thought this was because he may have lost interest in me. But I quickly realized I couldn't be further from the truth. He was interested in me, but very poor at juggling a girlfriend, having a career, and finishing his second bachelor's degree. So it was an adjustment on my part. If I wanted to stay in this relationship, I had to get used to the idea that he wasn't going to be around all the time. Sometimes this can be very difficult to handle, and not to patronize myself, but I don't think a lot of girls would like that.

If a woman plans on dating a man who has Asperger's syndrome, or if a man plans on dating a neurotypical female, I would strongly recommend doing research on the subject. I have been digging deeper and deeper in the the area of Asperger's/Autism in the past six months then I ever thought I would have. It's a very fascinating subject. I'm doing it for the sole purpose of understanding my boyfriend and not a psychological project. This would give me the chance to answer the question: "Have you rad the book 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger's". The answer is yes, I have. It is an interesting read. Of course, reading this book in what is considered the honeymoon phase of a relationship, may not have been the brightest idea. It made everything surreal. I'm starting to realize how accurate that book is.

I'm not an expert on flirting (even though I am a neurotypical female), but it can be face-to-face. This is where body language and nonverbal communication would come into play. But sometimes it is nice to get a reminder or two during the week that tells me that he is thinking of me. I'm an initiator and I like to initiate that spark but it's very hard to define the line with Aspies. Do you know what I mean?

From what I understand, being physical can vary from Aspie to Aspie. Some Aspies like it, some don't (this is something I remember from 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger's). My Aspie leans more toward being affectionate. He doesn't mind kissing me in pubic or when his siblings are in close proximity. I had to decide whether or not I was ok with this this.

I know it's a relative thing. specific compliment may or may not work. That would definitely be something left up to chance. I'll have to try it out and let you know. Thanks for your advice.

With all due respect, I think you misunderstand me. I would never demand that anyone become "normal" to suit my needs. Let me give you a better example:

Every day my boyfriend will go to work. I know that Monday and Wednesday nights he goes to school. Therefore, I'm pretty sure I won't hear from him on those evenings. There are exceptions. Sometimes we are both on late at night. He's pretty easy to talk to at this point.

He does not like to be disrupted during the day. It draws his attention away from his task. I can tell when he is preoccupied... this is also what I meant when I said I don't like to disrupt his schedule.

There are times, however, when I know he is available. These would be the times where it would be nice if he would just send me a quick "hello" or something. I'm not asking for anything too big. Most of the time this doesn't happen. Sometimes it would be nice to hear just a little bit more than what I am getting.

I hope this clears up any confusion for you.

Hi,

Firstly, it's so nice that you're doing all this research to accommodate your boyfriend's Aspie-ness!

I'm an Aspie female and from what you've described, if I were on that schedule and in a relationship I would prefer to leave the contact for when I was spending a chunk of time with that person, or when I had time to actually talk on the phone (I do talk on the phone!) because I would find the limitations of texting a bit like small talk and therefore irritating. BUT, he can't see you more, he doesn't like the phone and you need to hear more from him. The thing that would work best for me would probably be an email with some kind of substantial content, I don't know what you guys normally talk about but if I was 'touching base' or keeping in touch with someone I would rather it was about something somehow. I don't know but I'm guessing he might be okay with you telling him you miss him and stuff, but might not reciprocate.

Btw I am wondering, how is it possible to flirt by text?

I think what I should have wrote is that I would just like to know that he's there for me. There are periods of time where I feel like I can't count on him. I know I won't be able to count on him all that time but just to be reminded that he cares and that he's attentive would be nice to know. I suppose it would be a completely forgeign concept for an Aspie to flirt via text. But now a days you can flirt by almost any means that you have available to you. This includes Facebook, chat, and other Internet sources. Again I'm not an expert on flirting. lol