Break up. Help!!

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Hi again, this is the second time I'm writing this because I can't decide what to write.

So this is a very much shortened version:

How on earth do I break up with my boyfriend without causing to much pain on his behalf?

Under this line I feel as though I should explain why I want to break up with him. Mostly because I want an excuse to get this out of my head.
Read on if you want to.
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We've been together for 1 1/2 years soon and if I am to believe that somebody can love me, then he LOVES me. But I don't love him back. When we first met he kind of convinced me that I loved him as well because he claimed that I wouldn't stutter, loose the ability to speak or feel the amount of anxiety I did if I didn't love him somewhat. And I bought that as a proof that I loved him and have been saying that to him ever since. I liked him though, but there's a difference between like and love, isn't it? But I always had this nagging feeling in my head that I can't speak and stutter around others as well ( selective mutism) and I have a general anxiety disorder.

The main problem I have is that I now know that I don't love him and that put me in a quite peculiar situation. He got his own apartment and asked me if I wanted to move in with him, being the elusive creature that I am I told him a maybe. So I went down to check it out to see if moving in with some one else was my thing. It was not.

So my main problem was the amount of stuff everywhere, my room is full of stuff as well. But it's mine. I can't take others s**t. Then there were quite a small apartment and since I need space to reload my batteries away from others it wouldn't work. I'd go nuts. Then there's the major part. He really likes to cuddle, kiss me every now and then and be all close. Which was really cute when we were living 700 km apart and met up every now and then - totally okay. But by living together ( if only for a week) he got too close too much. Let's say I'm sitting on the sofa reading a book, being me, naturally I lose this reality for a time and I like it like that. I tend to enjoy that, but then he comes to close and wants to cuddle and I get thrown into this reality again and refocusing back to the book is so annoyingly hard. And he kept on interupting me whilst I was doing things I like to do alone without a soft touch on my arm or neck. It was annoying since I couldn't keep my focus so I got anxious from that and a bit angry. And when I'm both angry, anxious, out of focus and trying hard to not let my problems shine through I try to calm myself down by self-harming myself. A very destructive way of stimming. Not good I know.
Then the major major part, we don't have conversations, I don't talk much, I know he don't appreciate my jokes since I have bad bad humor and I hate discussions because the raised voice scares me. He on the other hand likes to discuss religion, philosophy and politics. So he makes some small sound and then tries to communicate with me through his eyes. And I can't read eye-language or whatever! Gah! Anxiety. f**k. Since I'm so quiet I have problems saying what I want and what I find to be problematic, so I keep quiet and suffer. I think this could be fixed though.

I think most of these problems we....I have, are my fault. He's a really nice guy, but I can't live with him. I can't make myself feel comfortable and I know that I easily overlook my problems to make somebody else happy. I suppose we could continue a distance relationship but I don't think he's cute or attractive anymore and I don't like him in that way.

How the hell do I break up with him? I hate making people hurt.

I know if I break up with him I'll probably be single all my life but from my point of view it seems like an easy life.

First you might have to say something along the lines of "We need to talk about something" which should signal him that you aren't bringing up just a light conversation. Then when it is possible to have the serious talk you could say something such as "This relationship is not working out for me so I would like to end it." I have said "This just isn't working out for me" before, and in my case, the other person only came up with reasons why they "needed" me and why it was working out for them. Yes of course it worked for him, because I cleaned up after him and did the grocery shopping and took the dog out and all sorts of things that were very convenient for him, meanwhile my own mental health went from shaky to downright destroyed.

Although it is most polite to break up with someone face to face, given the situation and your anxieties and his ignorance of your needs, I would say if you have to do it over the phone, then do it. This is to save your health and sanity. It may not be the most polite way to do it, but when your own mental health and risk of self harm is at stake, you have to do it and take care of yourself.

You don't have to have any more specific reason than the fact that it is over for you, you want to end it, etc.

ps. please don't think that breaking up with one person means a lifetime of solitude, there are many different people in the world that you will meet in the future and it is impossible to say with certainty that none of them are a match for you, or for the person you will become as you grow older and find out more about yourself.

Please take care of yourself what ever you choose to do about it.

I agree, don't stay with someone that you don't feel you love as a relationship has to work both ways.
You won't be single for the rest of your life and don't get into the self harming business as that isn't right either.
Think about it for your own benefit, you would not cope in a relationship when you are struggling now, so why make yourself suffer?

I don't think this is the right choice, It is easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look the person in the eye, but you may lose the respect of your mutual friends if you take the easy way out and more importantly, you will come across as inconsiderate.

I can understand that she may worried about his rejection and if that's the case, I would suggest she does it in a public place like a quiet coffee shop.



I think you have trouble being honest and direct with yourself and that is why you have ended up in this situation. You have realized that you aren't compatible together and that is the first step to understanding that you aren't meant to be together.

In this situation, I don't think either of you were compatible or attracted to each other in the first place but you dragged it out and lead it on to be something more than it actually is. Discuss your issues with your boyfriend and tell him how you are feeling, be direct to him and tell him it isn't working out for you.



I would say that you should give specific reasons because it justifies why you are dumping him and not only are you being honest towards him, you are also being honest with yourself. Also, it will give him understanding as to why you are not compatible with each other and most likely prevent him from being bitter or resentful towards you.

This thread has been dead so long it starting to decompose. I'm a coward, I haven't been able to break up yet. I even started to forget the reason why I want to break up with him. I will...but not right now. <-- That's my excuse.
I've been searching all over the net to find the right thing to say to him when I get my courage up. Is it a humane way to break up online? I was thinking facebook, we both have it and I feel much safer and more sure of myself when not speaking to him. He's logical and will most likely question my reasoning and I know that if I talk on the phone I'll forget what I feel and start to feel bad for him thus not break up with him and I don't wan't that.

Gah, maybe I'm overreacting.

Sorry for bringing this thread back to life.

considering you live very far apart, i think it's reasonable to be unable to break up face to face.

i think a good way to lead up to this conversation would be to broach the topic of where you see yourselves in the future. individually, not necessarily as a couple. i think it's obvious from what you've told us here that there will probably be some significant discrepancies between your separate visions, especially re: your living situations. when you get to those parts, the futility of the situation that you both have been ignoring will start to become more apparent, and that will be an opportunity to acknowledge it.

keep us updated!

As I see it theres no painless way to do it. It'll hurt him but you can make it a bit less painful by being completely honest, and giving him your time when it comes to explaining, if he wants you to explain. Also make sure you don't give him the impression that theres still a chance if there isn't. Because he'll be looking for signs like that, and if he finds some and they aren't real, that'll be more hurt.

This.

OP, if it's clearly not working for you anymore then it's best to end it as soon as possible both for yourself and for him. But tell him face to face, don't tell him over the internet or via the phone because he deserves better then that.

Maybe you could make notecards of the things that you need to say, and responses to things he could possibly say.

Think of it this way- even though it is scary for you to confront him, and easier just to let things go on indefinitely, there is never going to be a GREAT time to break up with someone. It just isn't going to happen.

I don't mean that just because you are thinking of breaking up with him that you have to do it. But it is a fairly clear sign if it has been on your mind for weeks now, even if you don't intend to start seeing someone else. Maybe you just need the time alone to enjoy your interests and personal goals. There is nothing wrong with that.

Both of you could be missing a chance to find a new relationship that would better suit you because you are lingering in a relationship that sounds like isn't going to fulfill either of you in the long run.

there is some really good advice from the posters above me. breakups are hard, and the other person is going to get hurt no matter how you phrase it. it's good that you care to try to minimise the impact and are looking for ways to go easy on your boyfriend.

at this point, you should be aware that NOT breaking up with him will hurt him in the long run. you're staying with him and keeping him in a relationship that you are no longer invested in. if you break up with him it will give him a chance to recover and move on and find someone who loves him back. but right now, you're keeping him tied up in a relationship that is going nowhere. a month ago you knew you needed to let him go, then now you are still spinning your wheels in the same way. you're actually preventing him from finding true love by keeping him in a relationship with you. it will be kinder to let him go.

yes the important thing is to do it soon, its not kind to drag it out.

even if you can only face doing it indirectly (such as text or email) its better done that way and quickly, than if you cant face him and keep putting it off.

my ex (who is the father of my baby) dumped me by email and I got over it, I thought he was a jerk but I would have done if he had met up with me to tell me. Knowing sooner is better.