Flirting with aspies

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I have trouble flirting - I just don't know what to do, I can't touch her in a way that isn't awkward (because I don't know how is it awkward, so attempting it is most likely going to end up badly) and I don't know what to say. This is a huge part of the reason for why I had so little success with NT females. As far as I know, most aspies have the very same problem.

However, if I'm with an aspie, it would be different. I believe that the approach that works with NT women would work for most aspies, but since I can't really do this approach, I'd have to develop a different strategy (or just learn this approach, but it would take me some time and parts of it might not work).

I guess that some sort of a crude approach, with compliments on how she looks, and crude versions of NT flirting, without being too bold because it might result in something awfully awkward (making her feel awkward wouldn't be good, even if both of you know you're both aspies). But it might not be enough, and how would I know if she is rejecting then?

How would you aspie females like to be flirted with?

Hi,

I'm pretty sure I'm an Aspie. Personally, I don't like being flirted with but I do like someone taking time to talk to me and get to know me and show me that they accept me as I am, and if they aren't naturally graceful at making a move in a non-obtrusive manner then I'd much prefer it if they just asked me if I'd like to date them straight out. Flirting done by someone who it doesn't come naturally to does tend to be very awkward

Then you see "flirting" in a different way from what I see. The way I see it, without flirting, you can't get into a relationship (it's theoretically possible, but just proposing someone to start a relationship, if none of you never gave any signs of something different than friendship, is something that wouldn't be successful in most cases).

I can kind of see what you mean but there are other signals someone might be attracted to you, so if you are both unconsciously signalling those things then one of you can absolutely follow that up by asking the other one out.

-you seek the person out a lot socially to get to know them
-you will probably be a bit shy around them and smile a lot in a slightly awkward manner
-theres a certain kind of eye contact but its hard to describe

If those elements are present in the interactions you have with the person then any 'flirting' on top of that is optional, I reckon. It means there is a good chance they either like you or at least that if you ask them out they will see where its coming from and won't act like it was out of the blue (maybe they fancy you but see other problems, for example, so don't want to go there).

Also, forgot to mention, one of the things I realised quite late about all this was that you will be doing those things unconsciously when you like someone, and the other person will generally pick them up if they like you too (unless they have severe AS maybe), so your job is more to correctly recognise that they like you than to deliberately send signals their way.

Recognizing if she likes me is usually rather easy. The hard thing for me is to continue from there and reach a relationship.

I have some ideas and I might be able to do it, but any other opinions would be very useful. Also, any quick (!) guide on flirting with NTs (that would help with aspies) would be helpful.

bump

I don't like flirtting either. Generally, I don't recognize it when it's happening. I've been told after the fact by a friend who witnessed that a girl was flirtting with me, but I had no idea at the time. And, I don't like small talk. When people are flirting, there is generally not a single interesting thing being said.

Took me a while to understand it and use it. I could sense interest but wasnt sure how to respond in a similar manner. I could ask someone out but flirting was beyond me. It wasnt until my late 20s that I developed the ability to actively flirt and respond more or less appropriately, depending on my mood. Dunno why.

What flirting I can do is all verbal. I can't / won't / don't do touch flirting or much with body language. I'll leave that to her.

I also dislike flirting...


Have you tried telling her:

"I find you attractive, any chance we could date?"


The direct approach always seems more logical, and you will have an answer without having to figure out what something means.