trouble relating to self-diagnosed husband (Jay)

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Hi, everyone. This summer, as some of you might know, JayShaw (a mostly-inactive moderator here) and I got married; we had met initially here at WP.

The issue is, while Jay has a few AS traits, he is much higher functioning than I am (also, I see more OCPD [Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder] in him than an ASD). He's never seen a mental health care professional, and he first suspected a connection between himself and an ASD only when a former supervisor mentioned that she'd seen a television program on AS and was reminded of him. I, on the other hand, was able to get through college and graduate school only with heavy use of accommodations from my university's disabilities services office. Additionally, I was just terminated from my first full-time job (which I got through the help of my former home state's Vocational Rehabilitation Division) because I "had difficulting working as a team player." Jay gets along very well with his coworkers, two of whom he eats lunch with nearly daily.

His OCPD makes it difficult for us to get along because he doesn't like to leave the house, while I *love* to go out and explore (as long as I have a safety-buddy, so to speak, with me), look at the natural and human-created world, eat at restaurants, etc. Also, I'm a hoarder and Jay hates excessive possessions. I'm very emotionally expressive (about my own happiness and hurt/frustration, that is--not in sympathizing/socially appropriate ways) and prone to tantrums, while Jay is exceedingly skilled at keeping his emotions to himself (or even from himself, in some cases).

This message is already much longer than I intended orginally and I haven't even gotten to the crux of the matter yet. I suppose the main point is that I'm 29, living in a region of the United States where I don't know anyone, am newly unemployed, and am very lonely. Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Well I don't really know what to say other than maybe it's time for him to seak the help but really it's up to him to seak it only you can offer support - as to the married part im not going to comment on that... but maybe you should start off with that & go to a relationship councillor if that don't work ....



Is more I would like to say on why you got married but not really my place..... if your feeling lonely



Treatment

Getting professional help is the best way to deal with OCD. The goal of treatment is to enable people to gain control over their obsessions and to avoid carrying out compulsions. Treatment may include psychological treatments, medicines or a combination of these.
Self-help

Some people may be able to improve their symptoms by relaxation techniques, exercise or talking to other people in support groups. Your GP can advise you about groups in your area or contact OCD Action - see Further information, below.
Psychological ("talking") treatments

The most effective types of talking treatment for OCD are psychological therapies that help people adapt their behaviour or the way that they think (cognition).

Behavioural therapy - this is usually recommended as a first treatment, especially when compulsions are the main problem. It involves sessions with a therapist, who will gradually and repeatedly confront the person with the situation that he/she fears. This is called exposure.

The therapist does not allow the person to carry out their usual compulsive behaviour to cope with the anxiety brought about by this situation. For example, a person with an obsession with cleanliness may be asked to use a public telephone or use a door handle without washing their hands afterwards. Up to 20 weekly sessions may be required for the treatment to be effective.

Although many people find behavioural therapy distressing to begin with, the anxiety associated with the situation gradually eases as people learn to deal with their fear. Around 75% of people who have behavioural therapy find it helpful.

Cognitive therapy - can help people by encouraging them to analyse their thoughts (cognitions) and the reasoning behind their assumptions, on the basis that incorrect assumptions fuel abnormal reactions. It is particularly useful when obsessions are the main problem.

Cognitive behavioural therapy - is a combination of cognitive and behavioural therapy.
Medicines

Your GP or psychiatrist may prescribe medicines to treat OCD. The most effective medicines aim to restore the balance of serotonin in the brain. These drugs, such as selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs), are also used to treat depression, and work by reducing feelings of anxiety. For OCD, they are usually given in high doses for around 12 weeks. SSRIs include fluoxetine (Prozac) and paroxetine (Seroxat). These drugs usually take two to four weeks to work. People react to SSRIs differently, so a number of medicines may have to be tried before an effective one is found. However, care must be taken at the end of treatment, as symptoms can return once the drug is stopped.

so, you had intended for the marriage to last less than half a year?

Hi seethaki,
I'm sorry to hear that you're having some trouble. I don't know what it's like to be in an AS-AS marriage, but I do know what it's like to be in a fairly close AS-AS relationship, and also I could describe some details about how I manage to have a really good relationship with my brother, who also has undiagnosed AS. We're identical twin brothers, and we've been each other's best friends for over 20 years.

While I couldn't say at all about whether your husband really has OCPD or not, I'll just write under the assumption that both of you exhibit AS traits, so simplistically it's an AS-AS relationship. One thing I've noticed about AS-AS relationships is that if one person has interests and lifestyle traits that the other person does not share, then it'd be rather difficult, but not impossible, to try to reconcile them. For example, you mentioned that you were a hoarder, and Jay doesn't like excessive possessions so much. I can imagine this being a potential source of conflict. Where you live, do you have your own personal space where you're able to carry out your own interests and lifestyle traits, maybe your own room where you're able to collect things?

You said that Jay doesn't like to leave the house, whereas you love going outdoors. Unfortunately, if he doesn't have an interest to go outdoors, then it's going to be really difficult for him to change that, just as it would be difficult for you to stay home. It is possible, but very difficult to do, and he would probably need to make a conscious effort to go outdoors, at least the first time, if he knows that he's doing it to try to please you. If that doesn't work out, then the only thing you could really do to satisfy both your own interests and his, would be to find somebody who shares your interests, and you can do stuff with that person. This person would be what I would consider as the "goodtime friend," somebody you can hang out with for fun and to pursue your own interests, and yet you would still be loyal to your husband. This idea might seem funky at first, but in my life, for some reason it's been the only way that I could continue my own interests and still love my brother and my AS friend (who I also consider as virtually a brother to me). I'd be really unhappy if I felt myself restricted by my brother's and friend's interests (many of which don't coincide with my own), and at the same time I don't think it'd be fair for me to impose my interests on them. Sure, I tell them what my interests are, and sometimes they are curious about my interests, but most of the time they go back to what they were doing before. The bottom line is that my brother and my friend would be there for me if I were having a problem, just as I would be there for them... but otherwise, I would not depend on them to make my life extremely exciting in the way that I would define as exciting. That's only because my definition of "exciting" is heavily dependent on what my interests are, and in the same way, I probably wouldn't be so enthused to make their lives "exciting" in the way they want it, if it meant that I had to do something that I did not particularly like doing. I'd like to emphasize that this does not represent any failing or deficiency on anybody's part! Of course if the interests happen to match (which oftentimes doesn't happen, since interests can change over time), then it is possible to have a very exciting time with that person. Moreover, I know that if my brother or my friend do something that is in line with my own interests, but not their own interests, then I know deep down that they are putting a lot of effort into it, and thus the gift/act has even more sentimental value to me. For example my friend got me a pair of binoculars, because he knew that I loved seeing the outdoors and loved to explore, and for the most part he's a homebody. So the fact that he got me something like that was extra special to me!

So I guess basically I think that what you could do is find more people who share some interests as you do, and do stuff with them. I personally use meetup.com to look up people and groups who are into Swing dancing (which is something that my brother and friend really aren't interested in), so you could try that website and find groups in your area who do things you like to do. But bear in mind that this does not mean that you don't love your husband. It's quite the contrary! Rather, it's enabling each of you to continue to grow as people by being able to pursue your own interests, and yet still being able to rely on each other during times of genuine duress. Hope this helps a bit! Sorry if it's a bit confusing.

I am married to a man who has a lot of AS traits but is more on the OCD side. Like your husband, mine can lay on the charm when it suits him-- he's very popular and respected at work, but sometimes he barely says a word to me on a daily basis. He is also emotionless/ appears emotionless and hates to leave the house, and will give me hell if I even try to walk ten feet down the sidewalk ("because everyone should stay home"). I have tried different things to handle his never wanting us to leave the house but so far none of it has worked well. He's only a few times physically barred me from leaving but usually it's just that I have to listen to a tyrade about how insane it is to leave the house to go to the drugstore or to take the kids out somewhere .

Try not to take his lack of emotional display personally. It is just how he is... if he acts social and outgoing at work, it is probably that he has a better honed NT emulator than you do. It probably isn't easy for him. As far as his never wanting to go out, you're going to have to either go out on your own, or go out with someone else. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

So he bottles up his feelings, is bothered by "excessive" possesions, and hates leaving the house?

AS or not, he still sounds like a bore. Get a divorce.

en_una_isla,
You raise an interesting and good point. Although I'm not sure if it's necessarily a "better honed NT emulator," but I can't really say what it is exactly, without knowing how Jay views his work environment. It could just be that if he's in a relatively socially-stable environment at work and gets along with his co-workers (goodtime/situational friends), then he can be very outgoing, talkative, etc.. It may even look like he enjoys being with them more than he enjoys being with seethaki. I'm not exactly sure why, but it always ends up looking like that. For the longest time, my dad (undiagnosed AS) always seemed to prefer being with his goodtime friends than to be with his own kids, and we kids sorely resented him for that. It was a common saying among us kids that our father didn't care that he was such a mean, abusive bastard at home, he cared that he was perceived as friendly and nice to his goodtime friends. Now, I'm not trying to say that seethaki's husband acts like my dad does, but I am merely pointing out an example that is similar with respect to "perceived closeness" between AS and goodtime friend, as opposed to AS and somebody that the AS will return to, time and time again.

Earlier I mentioned my friend with AS... his longtime interest has been video games. And I used to be so resentful of the fact that he would hang out with his online video game friends and prefer doing so than to do stuff with me, in and out of the video game realm. He even went as far as to say that I was restricting him from being able to do what he wanted to do, and wanted me out of the way (this is one of the major reasons we had a falling out). But what he does not understand is that those video game friends are just situational, goodtime friends. He does not feel comfortable talking about intensely serious, emotional stuff with them. For that, he used to go to me. So it showed what exactly my role was in his life. My role was not going to be to make him feel excited about his life, it was going to make sure that I was the one he could really trust in times of need. In all of my relationships with people with AS, it has always ended up like that. Once I accepted that that was what my role would be, I became a lot happier about it. For one, it was because although he seems happier with goodtime friends, those relationships just don't last once the interest/situation is over. I'd rather have the relationship that is more meaningful and secure and enduring, even if it means that I have to sacrifice a little bit of excitement with that person to do it.

Get a dog, if you like animals, nor allergic to dogs, so you won't be all alone when you go out. A dog also forces you to go outside. (The dog is for you, to accompany you outdoors. Don't expect your husband to go outside.)

You have to be prepared for walking the dog at least 4 times a day, by yourself.

Even though you're married you don't have to spend every second together. While you're out walking the dog, your husband can do something for himself indoors.

(Oh, I strongly advise you to ask for your husband's consent before getting a dog , and make sure you're well informed about dogs, the different breeds, characters etc before you make a choice.)

I am very unhappy here--it is a cesspool. I've gained 40 lbs. in the last year. I want to move to Sarasota, Florida, where my parents live.

Oops--that last message was posted by me, seethaki, not JayShaw. (He was still logged in when I opened up the web browser again--I think he logged in to check his personal messages; he doesn't use the site any more to post on the forums.)

Why doesn't JayShaw like to post on the forums anymore?

I don't think he is as interested in AS anymore.

Is there an update to your situation?

Thanks for your help and advice, everyone. I decided not to go to San Antonio for Christmas with my husband (Jay) to see his mother and sister.

I've been alone for the past two days (and spent my birthday, December 23, alone)--it's been very, very nice. (I'm not entirely alone, though--I have my four rats and all my beloved stuff, which I've been starting to clean and organize, finally.) It's been very hard to adjust to having a roommate, given that I've been living alone since I was 18 (a couple hours' drive from my parents', who were always available to help me in emergencies).

Jay has agreed to move to San Antonio (where his mom and sister live) if the government agency he works for moves there in a few years, as they are supposed to do. Until then--I don't know what will happen. I decided to drop my EEO case because I had a strong feeling I wouldn't win (it was hard to accept that what happens in the world is not always ethically correct).

For the next week, I'm just going to relax, clean, and hang out with my rats.

Seethaki, you have pet rats too? I have 20 pet rats. They are cute, cheeky and adorable but I think 20 is too many. I can't bear to let any of them go unless it to people who will love and care for them and not just feed them to snakes.

They are all different colours such as caramel and white with red eyes, brown and white, cinnamon and white, black and white and natural brown (almost like the wild colouration only with more brown in it).

I remember Jay Shaw from AFF. As you're married to him, I shouldn't say much but he gave the impression to me of being rather smug and self-righteous. Please forgive me if this comment is out of line.

Sorry to read you got sacked for "not being a team player". This kind of ignorant bullshite goes on every day and it makes me very mad that talented and skilled people are put on the scrapheap because they are introverted.

If it's at all possible, see if you can get a government position.

Seethaki I think part of the problem is he is self diagnosed. I mean that's okay for awhile but you can't diagnose yourself accurately if you're not even in the profession. He may not be AS at all but may be Bipolar, OCD or any number of other things. I know someone with multiple personality order & Bipolar and not a shred of Aspie behavior diagnose herself as being Aspie because she had heard of the term, looked it up online and thought it sounded like a cool disorder to have. Yeah she is really messed up. Point being if someone is REALLY not Autistic but has Bipolar or OCD they may benefit from medication and counseling aimed specifically at those problems.

I briefly dated someone who is self diagnosed OCD, but I would say that was fairly accurate diagnosis. Thing is an uncontrolled OCD/Bipolar person is a pain in the butt to live with and the ones I have met are very verbally abusive. If you are young and without children you may want to really question why you are in a relationship with this person and if it is really of any benefit for you.

I think he needs to see a professional for evaluation. But unlikely you can get him to do that, so you need to think about yourself and see a counselor to discuss your life and your relationship with this man.