Expressing feelings in an email, she is 1000 miles away

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March of 2006 this new gal started working at the pizza place I work at. I think it was the 2nd conversation we had we were standing close and as I looked into her eyes I felt this wave of feelings go through me in a way that I have never felt before. She had several health problems and we talked about them several times. I told her that if I had the money I would pay for her visits to my favorite doctor but I didn't have the kind of income to do it. June of 2006 when all of our co-workers were out on a break she asked me out on a date. She had just turned 20 and I was 39. I replied that I thought there was too much of an age difference (In my mind I thought she was too young) and decided against a date with her even though I wanted to date her. About February of 2007 she started acting aggressive and was upsetting co-workers and a few customers. One day in March of 2007 her mom called and said Abby was in the hospital and was not coming back there to work. I was lost and crying after hearing that. She then went into a hospital for bi-polar disorder near where her parents live 1000 miles away. I talked to her mom and then talked to Abby a few times in the next few months. Her parents don't have a computer so she doesn't get to use a computer very much. We would exchange emails 2-3 times a year. Fall of 2011 I emailed her and said if by chance she gets back into town to stop by this same pizza place to share a hug and visit. Late november of 2011 she ordered food for carryout and she stopped in after the pizza section was closed but the bar was still open. Her grandmother had just passed away and thats why she was in town. I was on the clock but we hugged and I got to talk to her about 5-10 minutes while I mopped the floor. She mentioned that she wants to move back here to go to school and get her job back at this same pizza place. Towards the end it felt like she had come there for something she wasn't getting from me and we said goodbye. I went into a back room and cried my eyes out. Earlier this year she got an account on Facebook and accepted me as a friend soon after that. "Her Facebook account shows that she is in a relationship". We exchange messages now and then. One of her cousins asked on her Facebook page if she was coming to Minnesota in august but I have not seen her reply to that. I (Ford302) don't get along with my mother and have had some really bad luck with a stalker, a drug dealer and calling the cops on an ex cop. I have considered moving away from this town that I live in but I want to keep open my chances with Abby. I have thought about sending her a private message telling her my feelings towards her but I am wondering if that can backfire doing it through an email and being 1000 miles away instead of in person. Abby is now 26 years old and I am 45. We are 19-1/2 years apart in age.

I'd put off sending that email if I were you.

For her mental well-being, and yours, I wouldn't.

It would only confuse her more, and you'll end up even more hurt.

Please don't send that E-mail, I guarantee it will do more harm than good.

I have to agree.

If she's in a relationship and they are happy, you risk her cutting you out of her life.

The first 3 replies lean in the same direction I was leaning but I just haven't been sure of myself. I have only been in one relationship when I was 18 (1985) while I was on a long visit in Australia. I was on an Outback bus tour. There were about 3 women for every guy so my chances were good. I would have to stop and count the very few dates I have been on in my life. My last actual date was 11 years ago.

Well, just because her FB status says she is in a relationship, pfft.

I say it matters more what you actually talk about and if she has indicated she is interested. I mean, she did ask you out at one point, so she must have liked you. If her emails and FB is plastered with stuff about how great her boyfriend is, then no, don't do it. But if she is acting like she is into you, and if you like her, then why wonder and regret? If that is the case then just tell her.

But, I mean, go with your gut. If you don't think it's the right thing, then don't do it. But don't just not do it just because you are feeling like it's too big of an age thing or for some other social construct reason.

I would stop limiting your dating pool and get out there before it's too late. Maybe you are more attached to this one girl because she was your only point of female contact for a while and you formed a bond. Get out there and meet more women. Join dating sites, activity groups, go places with your relatives, whatever it is you have to do!

You really don't want "that one time I was in a bus with women" or "that one time I worked in a pizza bar with a girl that talked to me" to be the only 2 things you keep looking back on in your final years.

Yeah, this is a good point. (Of course, it's the kind of good advice I fail to follow myself.) But having only 2 points of reference can't be helping your perspective.

She is the 2nd woman I have fallen in love with. The 1st one I fell in love with at the previous pizza place I worked at, but that gal didn't have feelings for me. I started on eharmony.com 4-5 years ago and got 4 little meetings that were not really dates. None had a picture up but all 4 were nice. None of them I was attracted to. I have been on and off match.com with no luck at all. I have been back on eharmony.com for short stints again,,,,, and trust me most of the women were not attractive, or were obese,,,, so I had no luck at all. I signed up on pof.com in may and have received contacts from about 6 women I'm not attracted to or were obese. I sent a message to one good looking redhead who replied to me that we were not a match. I have always been rather slender and obese women are a big turnoff to me. I don't do things with my relatives since they mostly ignore me at gatherings. I quit going to church 15 years ago partly because the singles in my church didn't include me. I quit drinking 12 year ago. Just going out and meeting "anyone" is very hard for me. I'm just stunned that at 45 this is so hard to do.
While I was in high school two very good looking popular twins each asked me out over and over and over. I had other girls in school show interest in me. I had girls on the bus ask me out. I had other girls in school look me up in the school directory, then search in the phone book and cold call me and ask me out on dates. And for all of those I had to say no because of the strict church we used to belong to. So I wasn't a dog when I was younger. I don't think I'm a dog now. But my life has been much of a struggling mess since graduating. Lots of depression, ocd and I was a basket case through the last half of the 90s. I'm doing better now but I don't have any strong close friends or even friends that I go and do things with. Its very rare that I do anything with my co-workers even though I have had this same job for 10 years.
There were 2-3 times back when Abby worked with me and she was in one of her goofy moods that I heard her say "I love you ____"( I'm leaving out my name). So I'm not exactly sure what context of "I love you" she meant to me.

You're doing exactly the opposite of what is going to help you. You're thinking back to those very few times you were in the company of women while they showed you interest of some kind (a lot like the high school girls, or politeness like your colleagues). You have to forget all of them, at least for now. "I love you" was used in the context of "I love you, man!" but from a woman's POV. So she doesn't love you like you think she does. Sorry.

I'd like to point out you don't need to drink to go to bars or anything like that. What do you think designated drivers have?

All I can say is with the dating websites try a lot of them, and experiment with your pictures and profile every so often. It also boosts your visibility so even if the quality of hits do not improve, the quantity will and you may find someone you like that likes you back.

Online dating is like a lottery. You've got to play a lot to win, a lot.

You will run into obese women online, a lot of them. You will run into bat-shit-crazy ones who 2/3rds of their profile is telling about how they won't do a one night stand, a lot of them. You'll run into some really odd fellows (I had one woman who was 10 years older IM me and lead off saying "I'm unemployed and live in a communal dirty house"

But if you keep playing, you might win.

Well I asked her on FB if she is moving back here going to school this fall and she replied "I wish, but no".
Well I'm getting a tan now and my mom tells me thats when I look the best. I am going to rewrite my pof.com page and upload a better picture. I plan on joining okcupid.com too. I wrench on stuff and build things from scratch. I've been quite lonely and the only thing I care about is finding a wife. I've lost a lot of interest in wrenching on things.

I would rethink it and try to let go. It sounds like a potentially volatile situation.

I only found her facebook page this last spring. I looked through her facebook page back to her starting it in 2007. She has been in a relationship for about 2-1/2 years now and I think she moved in with him within the last 6 months. She flew out east to meet his parents in the last 6-12 months. I shed some tears when I saw that about 22 hours ago. But from what she has posted I think she is doing well and is happy. That is the greatest wish/feeling I have for her is to be healthy and happy. I really was happy to see many posts of hers that she is doing well. She has a lot of friends and is religious like I am. I want her to have what she wants and what she is happy with. I don't want her to leave this guy just for my wishes. I'm "barely" feeling a tiny bit of jealousy towards him. I sent her a friendly but not "foreward" message last night and got a very nice message back from her. I'm hoping to stay friends with her.

So its time to look in other directions. I just got a haircut and will take some new pictures of myself in the next few days for pof.com and okcupid.com. Here and there are some good looking women on okcupid. One picture I saw looks like a guy in a dress with a wig on and a BIG smile. Ugg! Not into that.