Relationships make a bit of my brain switch off/lose myself

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Fairly new to the forum and have only stumbled across the possibility that i may have Asperger's in the past few months, so am trying to piece bits of myself together as a way of understanding it all!

I would really appreciate an Aspie viewpoint on this, has anyone else experienced something similar?

When i start a new relationship i'm actually great.. witty, funny, confident, flirty, lots of fun to be around and always full of great ideas for dates/where to hang out etc (i have no idea where this side of me comes from!)

If it goes any further than a few weeks, or getting more intimate to the point where feelings become involved, i feel an onset of fear that grips me tighter and tighter as time goes on.. until the point where i feel i lose myself completely. By this i mean my personality disappears, my mind goes blank and just feel hollow. It happens gradually but i usually end up in the same place.. feeling like i have to reboot and mould myself again after the relationship ends. It affects everything!! College, work, friends, sleeping and eating patterns, sense of humour, likes/dislikes.. it all goes.

I've never tried to speak to anyone about this as it just sounds so odd.. it's happened at least 4 times that i can recall though.

Anyone able to relate to anything like this at all? And any advice on how to prevent it? Thanks!

Never had what I could call a relationship. I do know what you're talking about, I encounter it in all other social situations. Or used to anyway. It seems like I might have finally melded the "social" me with the "intrapersonal" me so that I no longer experience this as much. Now I'm not sure if I'd experience it in a relationship either, cause I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone I had to work to be some version of myself around. That would have been different a few years ago but now...

That probably made little sense huh. Anyway maybe it is the thing that lets you know that the relationship is not sustainable, it's not the right person. You shouldn't have to act around the right person after all.

Yes, I can definitely relate but I think in your case, it could be a number of things which are common for people on the spectrum.

It could be that you like routine or stability and when you don't have it, you become very anxious or confused. It could also be that you're putting far too many expectations on the relationship at a stage where you're not ready to commit. In other words, you are putting too much pressure on yourself rather than enjoying the relationship for what it is.

Relationships always "jolt" me so to speak. Its easy in the beginning because there are no expectations then when things become more serious and the other person wants to see you more....welll thats where i eff up. Its hard for me to commit because it messes up my routine. Another problem is that i forget things so I know it upsets the other person as well as myself.

Thanks Purchase, found myself nodding along with this part.. it does make sense!! I do find myself acting a lot.. i like who i am when i'm putting a face on, but it does get draining. When it's just me i feel so lost and confused and just plain sad.. so when i'm with someone i think i've been tending to burn myself out from keeping up the "la de da" act. I don't realise i'm doing it most of the time so this would be something i need to work on..

I definately agree here as well Wofheart, thank you You've reminded me of what i keep forgetting to do.. chill out and enjoy it! I get so terrified and in what i can only describe as a blind flappy panic of terror that i just switch off. Then i blame myself and feel like a terrible person. Then spend weeks analysing it and finding more ways to blame myself.



This is the point where i start to panic and switch off as well Mego, I find myself just floating along with the other person's plans as i assume they know best. I've found it get to the point where i lose track of myself so much that i can barely fit a sentence together, clearly uncomfortable but strangely hooked as i don't want to lose that person and their affection.

Thanks for your posts guys, it makes me feel a bit better and more comfortable really to know that there are people out there who can relate to this. I've spent so long just accepting that this happens and not really being able to put it into words that it's a bit of a relief that i can finally describe it in some way!

I know that there are a lot of possible explanations but is the whole overthinking and then getting completely overwhelmed thing an Aspie trait? I feel it most in relationships, but does it happen in general?

LOL xD

This is now my new favourite expression. Ever.




I'm not an Aspie, but my gf is. And the more stressed and overwhelmed and over-tired she is by life in general (possibly including 'us' - issues within our relationship, or turbulence lately), the more the over-thinking type of stressing seems to happen. (Until a shutdown process begins.)

So, 'way leads on to way' - a downward spiral.

Well, you've described what happens to me better than I can. That's exactly what I experience and it has cost me dearly. I wish I had some advice to offer other than just trying to get though it and hopefully regaining control again.

It really is impossible to describe just how incapacitating and painful it is, it's devastating , especially because you are falling for this person. Many people find falling in love an overwhelming and intoxicating experience , but for an Aspie it can become an mind blowing event. It feels like my brain becomes a centrifuge that keeps going faster and faster and feels completely out of control, it's not a fun experience.

During that flirty, fun stage there really is no pressure on you and things will just happen or they won't. But, taking it to the next level means that you will be expected to integrate this person into your life and that you fit into theirs and this is where that panic sets in, because now there is nowhere to hide. And most of us are plagued with the- I don't know what to do next - syndrome, that only makes the situation worse

All I say is that if you become freaked out you have to just keep on doing it anyway. Please, believe me, you just have to do it, because you don't want to end up like me.

Someone did make a good point about being with the right person. It is very possible, that someone really suited to you. would simply be easier to be with and you might feel more at ease with during this time in the fear zone.... I just don't know.

And try to control the endless, obsessive analysis, I know all about this, this in itself is exhausting and difficult. I know how it feels to keep going back and attempting to fix it in your mind. Some analysis is important because we can learn from it, but we take it way to far, for much to long. None of this is your fault, sometimes you just can't fight the current, sometimes you have to let the current take you downstream a ways to the calmer water where you can regroup and try again

Keep trying and good luck